Hi JR! Well it sounds really positive! Important to keep it up now! THe thing you said about being tired because you have to work muscles you haven't in a while is sooo true!! I'm wiped everytime DH leaves. But I'm getting more used to it now. I'm relaxing more AND paying attention, giving LL and taking every chance I get to admire and compliment. What I'm trying to say is that it will stay tiring for a while but thats good. You will learn a new habit by doing so and it will be zapping less energy from you
Thanks BB! I'm not in this nearly as long as you, so it's good to know the muscles start getting stronger.
I'll be tired and wiped out for the rest of my life if it means I can help my W feel loved.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
You will be getting something in return too because otherwise you can't last.... I'm only DBing since January and actively since march...so my muscles are getting stronger!! Thinking about taking soem meds to help them grow faster LOL No I''m approaching this period in our R positive like the first rebuilding stage. So it keeps me focussed. Anyway I hope I'm not too late since I started DB rather late compared to everyone else....
Well, the twists and turns are there for us to learn something from.
My thing is patience. It just is. I'm slowly but surely getting out of the mindset that I HAVE to have everything NOW. That's the way I was, I never waited for anything even if it meant putting it on my credit card when I didn't have enough money to afford it - just retarded! I have a degree in finance for heaven's sake and I was doing everything wrong in that regard and it was getting really bad, especially when I didn't have the money anymore to back up the spending.
I was also never patient with my W's need to have conversation. I would tune her out so fast because I wanted her to get to the point, that's not how it works (as I'm painfully aware now.) Over the last 2 meetings, I listen, I wait for her to finish, I understand, I empathize, and that takes patience. I think that's partly why I get so wiped out after these meetings is I'm having to use "muscles" I haven't used in a long time or maybe never used.
I have to be patient with my son. He is only 4 I can't expect him to act like an adult. Now that I get to see him so little, I can really SEE and understand what he needs. He needs to see his dad treat his mom right. He needs to hear the calm voices, and not yelling and arguing (the result of impatience on my part). He needs the strong example of how a man is supposed to act, not how a co-dependent, impatient baby acts. It's been truly eye-opening.
So, do you think I would have learned those lessons had I not been thrown into this mess? Do you think I'd learn anything if it was already over and I was back in my house? Of course not. I would be the same as I was. My W said the other night, "I can't go back to what it was!" I said, "I can't either, I won't, we don't have to. We'll move forward together with the lessons we have learned in hand and make our relationship SPECTACULAR with God's help in all things."
She knows we're both learning valuable lessons and they'll help us forge a new life together.
It's going to take time so the MY lessons are well learned and deeply engrained in my core.
This is just about me too. Unfortunately I have to admit I haven't learned my lesson as well over the last 8 months. But i am determined to learn these lessons going forward!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I am getting a lot out of it! Otherwise, you're right, I'd be done by now - I would have blown it for sure!
I've had to shed the selfishness (the fat) and improve the patience, the LL speaking, the caring, the confidence, etc (the muscles). I'm hoping to see some abs soon.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
When we were talking and I was confirming that my W's LL was quality time/Quality conversation, I realized - I may not have a LL. Here's why: I was just SO happy just having my W and S4 around. I knew they'd be there when I got home from work. I knew that we could go to Target or Walmart, or Chili's or whatever and just be THERE! It definitely wasn't always quality time, it was just being THERE. Maybe that's a quality time dialect or something.
Then, while in our meeting, I realized that I thought just being with ME was enough for W and S4. Wrong! As we know, one's LL is not the same as another's, or very rarely with a couple. Seeing that from her perspective was obviously very revealing. When she asked me if I could understand why it's so hard for her to give us another chance - I COULD! I told her I was trying to understand, and that I could see how she could be scared to go BACK to what it was. I told her I didn't want to go back, I couldn't and WOULDN'T go back, ever! I will give her what she needs to feel loved and together we will never go back!
Then I was thinking about what she was wearing to the meeting. I know my W. I know how casual she is. I know she hates wearing her contacts at night, they get dried out. I know she doesn't put on make-up during the day if she's just going to be working (she used to work from a home office). Yet she showed up to this meeting looking all done up, just right, just how I like, just perfectly. Weird? No, she wants me to know what I'm missing out on! Funny thing is, she knows I know! She knows I'm fighting for this M, why would she go to the extra trouble? Shoot, if she wants me gone, wouldn't she show up looking trashed so I wouldn't be attracted? I know that's what I'd do to get rid of my S, I'd give her every excuse to blow me off, especially if I was feeling guilty for breaking up the family.
Just some thoughts, it helps to write them down, to get them out of my head.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Well I think your love language is Quality Time as well. But what's different is how each of you defines Quality Time. For you it's just being together in what ever way possible. For her it may be much more specific and quality time with just the two of you where you are focusing on her. That may be why your validations of her so much the other night worked so well. You had time together and you were focused on her and her needs.
Now to play devil's advocate too. What if she dressed like that to show you how she's changed, a new woman and moving on?
Well what ever her reasons I suspect they may have been my devil's advocate reason consciously but subconsciously they were more yours. If you ask me both our wives do want to think they can fall back in love with us, that we can be that man for them again. But the pain of disappointment is still extremely strong.
It's up to us to be those men for ourselves, for our wives, for our children and for God!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well I think your love language is Quality Time as well. But what's different is how each of you defines Quality Time. For you it's just being together in what ever way possible. For her it may be much more specific and quality time with just the two of you where you are focusing on her. That may be why your validations of her so much the other night worked so well. You had time together and you were focused on her and her needs.
Could be, my dialect might just be TIME together - no qualifiers on the kind of time.
Quote:
Now to play devil's advocate too. What if she dressed like that to show you how she's changed, a new woman and moving on?
I suppose, if they were new clothes, if they weren't clothes and jewelry she knows I like (oh, and I bought her that necklace for mother's day a while back). It seems like if she was trying to show me she was moving on, she'd wear something I didn't choose, or something even I wouldn't like. Don't you think? Not that it really matters about the clothes, I just like that she looked so good. And a marriage guru told me, women who are done - don't come to D meetings looking hot - they come looking ragged because they don't care about you anymore. I know my W still cares, or we'd be done. That is a certainty for me.
Quote:
Well what ever her reasons I suspect they may have been my devil's advocate reason consciously but subconsciously they were more yours. If you ask me both our wives do want to think they can fall back in love with us, that we can be that man for them again. But the pain of disappointment is still extremely strong.
It's up to us to be those men for ourselves, for our wives, for our children and for God!
That is definitely the case with my W. She even said as much, as I posted. She said it to the pastor too, and he said, "You just can, it'll be hard, but you can do it - get Heavenly Father's help and you can do it..."
That is a good sign to me, I'll throw it in the pile with the few others that I have and save it for later.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Well honestly, I think you are right about how she dressed. Remember believe almost nothing they say and 1/2 of what they do. For this I think you can believe what she did was try to impress you. A bit of pursuit if you will. Now I sure wish I could see my wife pursue me a bit more. Somehow I think I am missing her little pursuits.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
