Was fine til I got back from vacation!

[Kim07]

Ahhhh,,,Florida was beautiful, relaxing,,ocean does that to me! I had such a great time w/my family who live there, had fun w/my kids S12 & S8(no H on trip) (well when we were not arguing 'bout manners,lol),,things have been so stressful for them lately,,I will be sooo happy when our therapy starts, we all need it! Except for H, he says the kids are fine & he hasn't noticed any change in their behavior since we have been separated for 4yrs!! And that i'm free to get them C'ing as long as I pay for it! Sometimes,,I despise him!

Well, we got back from vacation yesterday, then I drove right to Boulder for my appt w/Michele & H! H acted as if he knew more about what was best for us than Michele!

H laughed about how he was in great shape, mentally & emotionally regarding our present sitch,,that the D was inevitable & that he had left NO STONE unturned in trying to make our M work & that he was thru,,Michele asked how i've been getting along,,I said, It feels as though 1/2 my soul has been ripped from my body & then it happened, I started to cry, which I have not done in a long time,,DANGIT!! I blew it!! Here I had done all this work for so many months & I cried,,Michele asks at the end if H is willing to work on the M (not moving in together)but work on our R & H says,,I don't know,,she pushes again,,H says I suppose so,,,good, then let me schedule a time for next wk,,ok,,then it gets worse!

Today I had an argument w/H on the phone re: the kids schedule w/him,,H takes all these trips out of country & state & I rely on those times to spend extra quality time w/my kids,,the last 2 trips hes' cancelled & had come back early from 1 but won't tell me why & he does this 1-2wks prior so I can't make definate plans! I can't help but wonder who this special OW might be for him to cancel his trips(did this w/me in the beginning of our R when I wasn't happy w/H leaving all the time)?? But lately i've been very excited & happy for H to be gone so I can have a whole wk w/the kids & not worry what lie he will conjure up next!

Then I tried twice calling H on his cell,,he doesn't answer anymore but will call back sometimes,,and instead of leaving a long mess & an open time for H to get back to me(needed to talk to him then) I decided to call his work b/c H had told the boys this morning when he dropped them off at my house that H was going to work today,,I call his work, tell them whose calling & she says hes' not here today! I hung up & got mad!! H called me back right when I hung up w/his office & I asked him if he was at work & he said yes,,so I said then why did your office say you weren't there today?? He said they were having "phone issues" & that he needed to go & what the hell did I need, i'm busy?!! (people & woman laughing in background, park setting? Not indoors!)So I proceeded to tell him that if he feels the need to lie to his kids to just not say anything at all,,he yelled at me again which made me even more mad! I end up yelling at him & hanging up & then he TM'd me back saying that I jump to conclusions & that if I would of just listened I would have gotten it! Of course I flew into a rage b/c I do listen but H is a bad communicator-doesn't tell important details,,so I called back to leave a long mess. on his cell,,,OOOPS!!

I said, You know just how to hurt me,,I don't read minds & you know that but you do it anyway to get my goat,,don't use my kids for your personal delight, that i'm tired of him telling me at the last minute what trips hes' taking & what days he will be out of town so my plans get messed up! I'm tired of trying so hard to make this last flicker of hope for our M work just to see him stomp on it,,What is going thru your head?? I'm not going to play games w/my kids! I can't believe your acting like this,,Great, now I have to tell Michele that you really didn't mean it when you said you'd work on our M-I don't know what to say to her now b/c i'm so confused!,,Why do you do this?? I have told you & Michele that i'm the one who wants this marriage to be saved but you don't,,that i'm the one who has been going thru hell while you say that you are fine!,,I've given you your space, lots of it, your freedom, your separation, i've worked around your work schedule,complimented you on your time spent w/kids, your clothes, clean car, the boys rooms, etc.,,you said in front of Michele that in the last few months by me backing off that it was like a ton of bricks lifted off your shoulders but you say there haven't been any changes in me that you noticed??! WTF! I don't understand your encripted messages & when I ask you to clarify you get defensive so therefore we need a mediator to hash out our differences in front of in re: to the kids schedules & I will not give up my 1/2 of time w/the kids, thats' MY BOUNDRY!!!

I think I blew it!! I need some help,,what should I do next??!!
Should I call Michele & tell her what just happened?
Should I get the D papers in order?
Should I cancel next wks' appt. W/Michele knowing he probably won't go?
Should I go dark? I'm already detached except for the kids stuff!
Is there a point of no return & i've hit it?

Counseling for the kids and I will start in a wk,,so thats' a positive!
Thanks to all for reading and you wise words!
Kim