JR she has pain. She's not sure how to work through it. Keep it up! You're doing good.
UA, just thinking about it when I read your post makes me break down. She was SO sad last night, and So torn up about US. About me not being the man I was supposed to be, then showing her that I am now. THAT sucks! WHY did it take a D to get me to wake up?????
The fact that she gave me 2 hours the first time and 3 hours last night, is amazing to me! I even told her how grateful I was to her for giving me the time. She liked that, but she was crying so it was hard to see...
Now I'm crying in the office, [censored]!
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Excellent progress man, excellent progress. I am very happy for you. Now we both have to do the same things, 1) keep our good changes going and 2) DB out butts off!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Thanks CF. I'm glad people here think it went well. I'm such an emotional wreck right now, I have a hard time seeing it today.
I guess this is what happens when you repress your feelings for so many years.
She brought up a game back in Nov when my team lost and I got pissed, and she said I cried, she said, "Oh, now he cries over a srupid game!" I said, laughing, "I didn't cry over a game." And she laughed with me and we made a joke of it.
She WANTED me to show my emotions. She wanted to share that with me and help me through hard times, she even said, "That's who I am!" I about died, because I knew that!!! I knew it when I married her, we used to talk ALL the time. I reminded her of that and she remembered.
We actually talked about several things that happened when we were fairly happy and she smiled and laughed and remembered! She even said, there were a lot of good times (That was a 180 for her as of late). So the emotions were all over the place and I think that's why she stayed, it was meeting her need for quality, meaningful conversation, even though the level of drama involved was high, given the subject matter.
Man, I'm a mess. I need a nap...
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Since I'm kind of journaling this whole thing in here, might as well tell you about the debt part.
She comes in and wants to lower the price on the house, because it's not selling. I'm indifferent, I say OK. Done.
She gets out the list of debts. She asks if I have the list. I say yes. She says, oh by the way, this meeting is all business just like last time (we spoke for 1.5 hours last time about not business), I said OK.
I then say, "W, do you remember what I told you about my new job last time?" That you're making $XX,XXX? Nope. That you get insurance? Nope. "Then I don't remember." I told you that Heavenly Father gave me this job to provide for my family. Here is a budget I put together showing JUST my income (she recently lost her job and doesn't have another one) and I can pay for everything so you can live your dream and stay at home with S4, like you always wanted. "I can't do that, I have to work, to support S and I." No, you don't. That's what I'm saying. "What do you want in return?" Nothing. "We're not getting back together. I want this over with." OK, this offer isn't contingent on us staying together. (She about falls out of her chair!) She was totally blown away, had no idea what to say. Says, "Will you sign a paper agreeing to that?" I said, sure. She didn't produce the paper, I didn't sign anything. (Last meeting she had me sign a paper about the split up property). She was thrown completely off her game. The debt thing was ,out of the way, over - it was seriously 10 minutes or less. She didn't take a copy of the budget though, dangit. That's ok, we'll save it for another day. Then we got into the good stuff I've been sharing so far.
Before anyone gets worried that I'm getting taken advantage of, I'm not. It is my responsibility to take care of my family. But I already pay all but $130 of our debt each month anyway, and I always have. It's nothing! But when she was expecting a fight over joint accounts, it was a complete 180 and she was so shocked. Even the Pastor was like, man, she was so blown away!
There were 180's all over the place last night. She pushed every button she could think of. Driving too fast, yelling at the TV, not getting a good paying job for so long, spending money when we didn't have it, yelling and arguing. All things that would have sent me into defensive mode 3 months ago, now have no effect and when I just said I understood her disappoinment and I felt it too, she was shocked. I saw that look in her eyes many times last night.
The best look was when we'd be looking into each others' eyes and I could see the little tears welling up in her eyes, and I knew she was feeling a connection, I just let it be. It was amazing. I wanted to hold her so badly, but that wasn't happening.
Man, I am pooped, seriously, I'm taking a nap right now at my desk.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
