I am happy to say that I am at a point at which I've longed to be for some time. I am content, even happy, almost all the time. I have not felt like this for such a long time, probably not since early in my M, not consistently. It was a part of myself that I lost somehow along the way. It is good to find the real me again.
Unlike the MLCer, I do not blame this on my H or my M. I do believe that it was a by-product of that, but certainly, I do not lay the blame on anyone but myself for allowing that to happen. That said, I forgive myself for allowing it b/c the person I was then did not know how to do any different.
Being on my own:
I am truly happy on my own. I don't want to date, and not for any moral reason. (Not that that is a bad thing!) I am just happy to think of myself and my own needs. I do have my children, of course, but I don't have another adult to support and deal with. I don't feel guilty if I just feel like being alone on a Saturday night. I don't feel like having to talk to someone every day and build a R with them.
I like being single and doing what I want, when I want (well, within reason, of course, being a mum). I like making decisions w/o consulting anyone else. I like getting to know myself better. I feel as if I'm growing at a very fast rate, like a budding flower that had a rubber band around it for years, and now it's finally off. Ah - why would I want to give that up? In time, I will want to share my life again, but not now. I am testing my butterfly wings, and they are getting stronger every day.
My progress with H:
No, I don't mean towards reconciliation, but rather in my new R with him.
I am feeling more compassionate towards him, but at the same time, I can honestly say that I have no desire to be with him as a husband and wife. Not the way he is now. I do believe that his core personality has traits that I do not want to live with. I can understand why they are there, due the way he was brought up, etc, but there comes a time when we all have to decide who we want to be. If he were to decide that he wanted to be someone better, and took steps to get there, I might reconsider. Otherwise, I'm not interested. It is freeing, and a good feeling.
I won't say that I never backslide and feel sad, but this is mostly how I feel now.
I am also getting better at not letting him walk all over me when it comes to switching days with me for the kids. We have a schedule, yet he consistently wants to change with me at the last minute (like a day ahead of time about every two weeks). I am now saying no nicely, but firmly. He needs to understand that he cannot do that. I am not here to accomodate his every whim. It feels good to take control.
My feelings about stbxh's new R:
The other day, I began to suspect that he is cheating on his gf. I won't get into why b/c it would take too long and, in any case, it's just speculation. But these thoughts kept me awake, and not for the reason I had expected. I did not feel happy about this; rather, I felt sad for her and mad at H, and wanted to say something to her so she wouldn't get hurt.
This made me realize two things:
- I'm moving past my jealousy - yay!
- I'm still taking responsibility for H's actions, at least in my mind. He is a grown man and not my responsibility. I need to continue working on that.
I still don't look forward to seeing them together, but I know that I will get past this.
I am sending you all love and good thoughts.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
