Hopeful Happiness

[COG]

Nic,

Now, this thing w/ walking away from me while we're still conversing REALLY ticks me off - and yes, he knows.

This is a guy thing, and your H has it real deep. Chics like to chat, guys generally don't. It's just the way we're built. Now since you said he stayed in front of the house for 10 minutes on the cell phone, he was obviously thinking about the call he had to make while you were trying to talk to him.

Now here's where women are superior to men. See a chic can be having a convo with the neighbor about the postman, thinking about the laundry, dialing the cell phone, and feeding the cat, flawlessly and all at one time. Guy's don't have that capacity, we can only handle one thought at a time. So it is impossible for us to be thinking about a phone call we have to make, and concentrating on the convo at hand at the same time.

We're just not capable of handling that so what looks like rudeness, is just a bad wiring job. A smart man knows to clear his mind from everything except what his woman is saying to him. Sometimes even smart men forget, so I know it's not fair, but sometimes we need to be kindly reminded.

I think you should explain to him how it felt when he did that to you. No tears, no anger, no frustration, just explain it like you would to a stranger or a good friend.

God Bless,

COG

[BaseballAnnie]

COG, I love your posts.

<sigh>

You teach the Men are from Mars class in a way that I can understand it.

I remember the first time TMWDM ever said to me, "I can only do one thing at a time!"

I laughed out loud.

I remember thinking, "Who has that luxury?"

[princess_nic]

COG -

You're very kind to my H! The phone call was no doubt to his g/f. So yeah, he was probably thinking about her.

He actually does like to chat, but mostly on the phone. I had thought I was too curt earlier, which was why I was more chatty.

No, I won't tell him - it's not worth it. I will just go back to ignoring his bad behaviour. I'm sick of him using me as a testing ground for his new listening techniques that he uses on ow.

Anyway, I'm over it!

[princess_nic]

Just reposting something from Snodderly on Lissie's thread:

If you end up divorced, it's not the end of the world either, but it will release a lot of the pressure and stress that you are feeling when dealing with Puffy issues. The divorce decree is a piece of paper, but honey it gives you a whole lot of power--if Puffy ever decides to wake up again and comes to you requsting a reconcilition, the power is in your hands and it is called decisionmaking. You will be the one to determine whether or not you want to try again. Right now, he thinks he's got the power of choice in deciding whether or not to reconcile, but in the end, when the dust settles, you are the ultimate decisionmaker. But, that time is not here and it will be many months before that will happen. So, Lis, I would suggest that you live your life to the fullest and don't look back--look to today and the future. You have such beautiful little ones who need their mother to be there to guide them along and yes, help create happy moments for them as they travel life's road too.

[faithisbelieving]

I like what COG wrote about men...and...it is mostly true.

I look at it differently.

Your H didn't hold onto his N.U.T.S. Better Men. (OK...my new shtick).

FIB

[always_14]

COG - you got it!

I think it goes deeper, too.

My H could only focus on work, and that's it. He actually told me that concetrating on the rest of life was too stressful for him. I asked him what his single friends with thriving careers did....they didn't have anyone else to take care of life.

[MotherMovingOn]

Hey Nic,
Sounds like you have things in hand and are moving along nicely--it's a nice space to be in emotionally isn't it?

I'm not doing as well as I have been, but I'm sure to rally. Just need a little time away I think and I'll be good as new.

I like COG's description of men having "bad wiring" and not being able to to multi-task and how smart men will learn to quiet their brain and listen to their woman when she's talking.

My H used to walk away from me too--got a lot worse in the end...he was very distracted and now I know why.

Love,
A

[lovingme]

You are doing great Nicola. At least your h didn't throw a folder of papers you had requested at your feet and walk away in the middle of a conversation lol. But yeah my h will walk away too. Men....we will never figure them out.

Going to check out your pics now!

Hope you are enjoying your summer so far!
Much Love

[princess_nic]

A few observations...

My emotional progress:

I am happy to say that I am at a point at which I've longed to be for some time. I am content, even happy, almost all the time. I have not felt like this for such a long time, probably not since early in my M, not consistently. It was a part of myself that I lost somehow along the way. It is good to find the real me again.

Unlike the MLCer, I do not blame this on my H or my M. I do believe that it was a by-product of that, but certainly, I do not lay the blame on anyone but myself for allowing that to happen. That said, I forgive myself for allowing it b/c the person I was then did not know how to do any different.

Being on my own:

I am truly happy on my own. I don't want to date, and not for any moral reason. (Not that that is a bad thing!) I am just happy to think of myself and my own needs. I do have my children, of course, but I don't have another adult to support and deal with. I don't feel guilty if I just feel like being alone on a Saturday night. I don't feel like having to talk to someone every day and build a R with them.

I like being single and doing what I want, when I want (well, within reason, of course, being a mum). I like making decisions w/o consulting anyone else. I like getting to know myself better. I feel as if I'm growing at a very fast rate, like a budding flower that had a rubber band around it for years, and now it's finally off. Ah - why would I want to give that up? In time, I will want to share my life again, but not now. I am testing my butterfly wings, and they are getting stronger every day.

My progress with H:

No, I don't mean towards reconciliation, but rather in my new R with him.

I am feeling more compassionate towards him, but at the same time, I can honestly say that I have no desire to be with him as a husband and wife. Not the way he is now. I do believe that his core personality has traits that I do not want to live with. I can understand why they are there, due the way he was brought up, etc, but there comes a time when we all have to decide who we want to be. If he were to decide that he wanted to be someone better, and took steps to get there, I might reconsider. Otherwise, I'm not interested. It is freeing, and a good feeling.

I won't say that I never backslide and feel sad, but this is mostly how I feel now.

I am also getting better at not letting him walk all over me when it comes to switching days with me for the kids. We have a schedule, yet he consistently wants to change with me at the last minute (like a day ahead of time about every two weeks). I am now saying no nicely, but firmly. He needs to understand that he cannot do that. I am not here to accomodate his every whim. It feels good to take control.

My feelings about stbxh's new R:

The other day, I began to suspect that he is cheating on his gf. I won't get into why b/c it would take too long and, in any case, it's just speculation. But these thoughts kept me awake, and not for the reason I had expected. I did not feel happy about this; rather, I felt sad for her and mad at H, and wanted to say something to her so she wouldn't get hurt.

This made me realize two things:

- I'm moving past my jealousy - yay!

- I'm still taking responsibility for H's actions, at least in my mind. He is a grown man and not my responsibility. I need to continue working on that.

I still don't look forward to seeing them together, but I know that I will get past this.

I am sending you all love and good thoughts.

[HalfMissing]

Wow! I want to get to the point you are at! Congrats!