This morning I met with our parish priest and one thing we talked about is how I have struggled with prayer since I met with my atty. I mean I literally sat in the church this morning and couldn't say a thing. He told me something that really helped. God hears you even when you don't speak. If you can't even muster a word to Him in your prayer just say "Lord, I am yours". It was amazing how much saying that simple sentence helped me so much.
Another thing he helped me with was looking at what I was praying for and finding how God is answering my prayers. One thing I have prayed for is that God makes my wife and I a beacon of marital love, a beacon to all those we encounter to know how wonderful marital love is and how the Lord works through us all. I have asked that He help us find the love for one another in our hearts and re-join in holy matrimony so we can do his work. If the only witnessing we ever do is showing God's love through our love for one another then I know I have done God's work.
He is giving us the opportunity to re-join and it's up to us to take what he gives us and run with it.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Tonight my wife and I sat down together to go through our financial accounts and work through their split and complete the paperwork. Well that took all of 20 minutes. We were both upbeat during conversation and if you were sitting with us you would have thought we were any married couple working on paying our bills and managing our finances like good partners.
While I was signing all of the paperwork she kept looking away. I could tell she was really holding back emotions. So once done I flat out asked if she was ok. She said yes and I looked her in the eye and I told her, honey I can tell something is disturbing you. She said no again and I just looked at her.
So we were done fast and because the reaction I saw in her I decided to venture into possible dangerous territory. I told her that our conversation last Wednesday was probably the most honest conversation we had ever had. She agreed. I told her I felt really good afterward and that we made significant progress. She agreed. I then told her we have made an enormous amount of progress this last month and I realize she needs a break, some space. She said yes that is probably a good way to describe it. I told her I would hope that we can continue along this path and she agreed as well. So I brought up our separation agreement and that I realized we needed it so we know what to expect. I went on to say it's a wonderful opportunity for us to work on a real issue in our marriage, conflict resolution. She thought this was a good idea. So our conversation went on from there for another 15 minutes or so.
So the outcome of our conversation, we both care and that's why we were sitting here together. We both would like to work towards reconciliation but realize we have to plan for divorce. She needs a bit of space right now because she feels pressure. Surprising not just from me but from herself! Wow that's a revelation! Well her trip next week will help her get the space she needs and it looks like after that we may pick up where we left off.
In talking about how we proceed I told her that if she ever feels pressure just say so. Tell me we need to take a short break so she can catch her breath. She thought that might be a good idea especially since we know we have to work on communication. But only if I realize her intentions with such a comment. In other words she struggles with my mood swings.
From there she asked me if I would help her with a couple of things she needed help with. One was her new headboard and we worked together to get it installed. She told me all about her plan on "her" bedroom. She asked me how I like the decoration and I approved. I actually told her it was a room I would be comfortable living in and she laugh a bit and smiled at me.
From there we went and got our girls from vacation bible school then had a quick dinner together. And we enjoyed just being together.
So there we both approached tonight with a spirit of cooperation and a lot of good came from it. But I do feel that a lot of the mood was also influenced by me first apologizing for inadvertently slamming the door when I left last night(she thought I was mad at her when I was just in a hurry) and also just engaging her in small talk as we worked.
So nice to know we can have positives even when dealing with difficult topics.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Something I didn't post in that update was a bit about our conversation last Wed. In that conversation she said that her goal with my 40th b-day back in 05 she wanted me to fall back in love with her and I did. But she didn't fall back in love with me and that was and is one of the most difficult things for her to deal with.
Well from last night's short conversation it was clear she really does want to fall back in love with me but is clouded by so much pain and disappointment. She would love nothing more than me to sweep her off her feet again. Granted she didn't say these things exactly but that was the message I got.
Man oh man does that put some pressure on me! I have no idea how to go about it and not put pressure on her. So I guess what I must do is put faith in God, in DBing and apply DBing in everything I do, in us working on being friends again , faith in her and myself.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
In fact she bent down to pet the dog again a few minutes later then did a similar bend to remove her shoes. Those two times I think she had a good idea of what she was doing.
hahaha... that's great
my experience in that area: When a women is fishing for a compliment like that... give her one. Even when in your situation. She will appreciate it, I think.
A subtle one, but noticable. A short "wow" or something, with no further comment unless she asks, seemed to warm my wife up a bit.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
KS, well her love language alternates between acts of service and words of affirmation. In the past I always seemed to screw up and speak the wrong one at the wrong time. All to often I focused on acts of service when I should have been doing words of affirmation.
Now that said, I love doing little "sweet nothings" for her. Writing her notes, poems, chocolates on the pillow etc. What would happen is she would never really acknowledge these things and I would feel very, very rejected. So I tried harder and over the last 3 years this rejection I felt ended up creating tension between us because she felt like she was in some "no win" situation. A rear classic chicken and egg thing.
So right now I am not sure exactly how to proceed in speaking her language and I actually need a little direction from her. I think she's open to it but has some reservation. Basically I believe she's looking for acts of service a bit more right now. Because we are separated I have told her, just ask I can't or won't know because of our situation. Just ask and I will be more than glad to help. Now when I am at the house I just do stuff I see needs to be done and she really appreciates it. So that is helping.
Next subject, yes I did compliment her on how nice she looked. In fact last night she was wearing workout clothes when we met. I complimented her on how fit she was looking. (Side note, she looked F-ing HOT especially with that low cut workout tanktop!)
Now on to counseling, well we had a real bad experience in January. So she's very reluctant. I did mention last week before the whole sep agreement thing that I was wondering if we needed someone to help guide us through the "be friends again" thing. I wasn't suggesting it and said that too but that I had to wonder if it might help us. She said "I'll think about it" which usually means no.
No matter what if we are going to continue the positive momentum then at some point we will need professional assistance and guidance.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Sounds like you are a wonderful H and she knows that..just let her work through her throughts and reservations and then she will help you in giving her what she want/needs. Everyone wants to be loved and she knows she is...just hang in there. YOu are going to be a success story.
at some point we will need professional assistance and guidance.
not neccessarily.
I'm sure YOU may get benefit from it, since you are actively willing to pursue it. But I would suggest that you not push it on your wife as some kind of requirement, or even have expectations within yourself that you both "have to go" together.
Michelle's books seem to emphasize this point. She seems quite happy to counsel just one person out of a couple.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
