We had a three hour heart-to-heart last evening. Same old re-hash as always. I did this, you did that, etc...
We seem to have resolved the immediate issue, but at this point I really don't see a solution.
She told me that she had herself convinced that she never deserved a better relationship than the one we had and that's a big part of why we stayed together so long. That statement says alot. Personally, I don't believe that was a strong enough basis to wind up 25 years down the road.
There had to be love.
And there was.
She is so fixed on the negative things that happened in the course of our marriage that she honestly doesn't recall all of the good times and the joy that we experienced as well. She has recycled and reinforced her reasons for wanting out to such a point that they far outweigh the reasons to stay and build upon. She has surrounded herself with people who aid and assist in this reinforcement. Those who tell her what she wants to hear.
She also stated that she has witnessed other relationships and they are far different than ours - better. When I bring up how much other people admired the relationship that we had, she says that they didn't see what it was like behind closed doors. I told her that that is true of others when she sees them as well. There are skeletons in everybody's closets.
Change:
She says she is leery of the way I have been different the last couple of months. That she thinks it's fake. She keeps waiting for the "old me" to reappear. I asked her how then, could the differences be so consistent, constant and steadily improving. I haven't changed myself radically, just the way I behave about certain things. The changes I have made in myself have been due to introspect and revelation. There were things about me that didn't work well and needed to be addressed before I could be good with anybody. Not just her.
I am making differences in my own life for me.
Taking ownership.
Change:
She says that I am threatened by her becoming an individual, wanting to do new things and have new interests. I always admired and adored her individuality. That is one major reason I was always so attracted to her. Her world was always an interesting place to see and explore. Years ago, I took her to see the ocean for the first time in her life. It was the most beautiful experience that I have ever had. She was like a wonderful, wide-eyed child that day. Hearing her explain it to me, I felt like I was seeing it for the first time too!
I explained to her that change is part of life. As an example, I asked her how she thought that an 80 year-old couple could still look at each other with the same love in their eyes that they had as teenagers. They are full of wrinkles, gravity beat them to death and things are sagging all over their bodies, but they still adore each other. She said that was a petty example and I agreed, but I explained that through the course of years, they change inside as well. People who stay together that long don't stay the same.
They accept it.
They appreciate it.
With grace.
And love.
As I will.
This can be solved. We can move on and grow together, but there are two sides to every story. If she expects anything to be better, she needs to get herself in order as well. The problem is not mine alone. As long as she is clinging to the false hope of "rescue" and "escape", she can't open herself up to the possibilities that await her.
The world we built is hers to take. She just has to decide if she wants it. Sadly, she might just throw it all away and have to build a new one from scratch.
I'm not keeping the door open forever.
Argue your limitations and sure enough, they are yours. - Richard Bach
