Help! Wife says marriage is beyond repair

[BeingMe]

Hi! Sorry you find yourself on this site, but you are in the right place.

Firstly, have you read the Divorce Remedy book or the Divorce Busting book? Try and get a copy, and read it, or read as many of the posts here, and the introductions by the moderators. There's a lot of people in similar sitches who will be able to give you great advice, and you can brainstorm with them, any steps you want to take, before you take them. Sometimes we think an action is a good idea until we run it by someone who did the same thing, and it didn't work, for instance.

Secondly, don't tell your W how you are feeling again, especially do not tell her you love her, or remind her about the vows you took ... no begging, crying, arguing, etc. (most of us have done this, and it just pushes them further away - the thing is to be someone she will want to talk to, and hopefully want to be with again). If you can't control your emotions when around her, then try to keep meetings with her short, and to the point. Do not discuss your R, only business and your daughter. You have told her how you feel in the email, and now let it rest ... no point in repeating yourself.

It looks like you need to try the Last Resort Technique (or LRT). Read up on it, and give it a shot. At this point, try and go dark (which means as little contact as possible ... if she is home, it might be a little difficult, so just avoid any emotional discussions). You need time to get to the point where you are more detached from the situation, and not as emotional (and you're right, BTW, there is nothing wrong with being emotional in normal circumstances ... shows you are able to love, be empathetic, and kind). Too much emotion now will just drive her further away. Be cool, polite, distant.

Now is the time to focus on yourself and your daughter. Make sure you spend as much time with her as possible. Try finding time to hang out with friends, for fun not to discuss your marriage problems. Take up a new hobby, or reconnect with an old one. Go to the gym ... exercise helps us destress. Take time to think about what you want for your life, outside of your marriage. Remember, you are more than your relationship with your wife. Also, that you cannot control her, only yourself and your reactions.

Your wife obviously has issues that she needs to deal with, and that is up to her. In the meantime, you can work on yourself, by getting a life (or GAL on the forum), taking control of yourself, and I think you should continue to see a counselor.

Keep posting here ... it's great to just vent all your frustrations here, and be calm in the real world.

Well, that's all I can think of, for now. Take care of yourself ... keep yourself busy. Oh, and I think we all understand that you are feeling really gyped right now, and really, really angry. That is very normal ... just don't let yourself obsess too much, but distracting yourself, hence the GAL theory.

Take it one day at a time. Hope this helps some.