Thanks for checking in on me, Whatisis. I have taken the last week or so to do some soul searching and reflecting. You read where I was at right before I came home from our trip. H stayed at our house at least one night before I came home (bed was all messed up, clothes on the floor), but my heart tells me that he stayed with her the other night. I came home Monday night. He stayed with me Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, gone Thursday, stayed with me Friday, gone Saturday, has stayed with me Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and tonight this week. He is going out of town early tomorrow morning with a friend for the weekend racing. Curiosity and a sick feeling in my stomach made me go check his car to make sure his racing gear was in there. Thank the Lord it was... I saw his cell phone plugged in in his car as well but knew I couldn't bring myself to check it. It will completely devastate me to see her calling him/him calling her. I just couldn't take that right now. I suspect that that is why he is keeping his phone in his car at nights and not bringing it inside... Well, at least he is trying to spare my feelings, right??? Ugh...
So things have continued to improve I think. He is continuing to stay with me more and more, and I feel us continuing to get closer. But we haven't talked about us/the R/OW at ALL. I know this is a good thing by DB standards... But we are finishing up our big job project we've been working on in which H said in March that we would "see where we are at in our R" when we are done with it and make some decisions from there. In addition, H is working on getting quite a few more projects lined up for "us" to do. There are potentially long-term projects.
I talked with DB coach last week and told her that I felt like we are at a crossroads right now. My heart tells me that this is a good/necessary time to talk to him, and I am so very scared to do so. I don't want to scare him away or back into her arms full-time or, or, or... So many possibilities. DB coach suggested that I write him a letter with some questions that I'm having and tell him that I've done so and that I feel like I need some questions answered from him before I can move forward in our business and with us and to let me know when he is ready to read the letter and to respond. I thought this was a great idea since he is so resistant to talking about us.
I was planning on doing this and got cold feet/started second guessing myself/etc. I now feel like I want to talk with him in person, and at this point that is my plan. We have a business meeting scheduled for next Monday after he gets home. We have talked on multiple more occasions about getting an assistant... We are planning on talking about that at that meeting as well. I don't know how I'm going to approach it or exactly what I'm going to say, but I need to know where he stands and what his thoughts are. I've been really patient and understanding while he has been playing both of us, and while I'm so grateful that he is coming closer to me again, it is absolutely killing me inside to know that he is not 100% committed to us and is still spending some nights with her... By next Monday it will have been about a month and a half since that part of this roller coaster ride started. I have kept my mouth shut about us and have worked really hard to be kind, flirtatious, understanding, and forgiving. If he goes off the deep end for me asking him where we stand and what he is thinking about us, then I guess so be it. I'm not planning on giving him any sort of ultimatum or saying that he needs to completely cut things off with her that second (though I have every right to). I know he won't respond well to that. I know from experience that he needs to do things in his own time and that it has to be HIS idea, not mine, regardless of whether I am right or not. To that end, I have to be careful in the words that I choose and how I approach this. But I feel like now that this current project will be done by then and we are moving towards new projects that this is a good time to check in with him.
He hasn't brought home his toiletries/shaver yet nor his clothes, so I know he is still staying with her. I can't even imagine what is going on between them, what she is thinking, what he is telling her, etc. I try to force those thoughts out of my mind, but it's so hard. Is she now the one desperately grasping for him and wondering where he is at at nights now, or does she even care? Is he telling her that he's taking time away and is now "testing" me to see if he really wants to work on us??? I don't know, and I hate that I can't talk to him about these things and get some sort of feedback/reassurances. AND I am doing exactly that - not talking to him about it. It is what he has asked me to do for now, and I have respected his wishes. Well, now it's time for ME to get what I need for 15 minutes. Is that too much to ask of him? If it is after all I have patiently waited through, then that doesn't say too much about the strength of our bond now does it?
I still realize that there DOES have to come a point where I just put my foot down and say that if he wants to work on us he absolutely has to end it with her completely. But at this point, these baby steps that I have been making appear to be working. So as ridiculous as it sounds, I have to move towards that slowly so that I don't blow everything out of the water... I've worked so hard and been through so much - I don't want to ruin that, as much as it hurts to keep going through this pain. If it makes me a stronger person and a better wife and saves our marriage and makes us closer, it will all have been worth it.
So let me know if you think I'm completely off my rocker for talking with him next week. We'll be having dinner at a public place, which will ensure that I don't "freak show" on him. I'm going to think long and hard over the weekend about what I want to say and how I want to say and how I can say it as briefly as possible and in a nonconfrontational way. The bottom line is that this is a good point in our business for us to part ways if he does not want to continue with our marriage. I simply do not want to continue on in the business with him if we are not going to stay married. And as you know I've told him this, so this should be no shock to him. I'm not asking for a promise that we're going to be together forever. I'm asking for him to tell me that he is committed to giving us the best shot that he can, in whatever time frame he is able to do that. But to continue on like this in silence with him just not coming home a few nights a week just can't continue forever.
Thoughts? As always, I welcome your feedback. You know how much I've been through. The last thing I want to do is to screw it up now...
