Believe it or not I have read through your story a couple of times as there are so many lessons for all of us. I admire you for your support of others here and just want a little advice.
4 days ago My W admitted to having an A for the last 6 months , I have been on the DBing wagon for about 4 1/2 months of that. W never left home but was to leave the day after she admitted the A. It is over , OM dumped her for OW. At this stage her bag is still packed but she has said she will not leave.
I think she is staying out of some sense of duty or Guilt.
She told me she needs to like the person in the mirror again before she can do anything else.
She couldnt figure out why I had been so calm and said she would have felt better if I had yelled and called her names.
In reality I just sucked up my feelings and decided I did not need to add to her pain. I said little other than I admired her strength and honesty. She answered all the questions I had with an honesty I had not seen for a long time.
So here we are with just fragments of our R. I have read too much and I need to focus on what next.
There is much more work to do now but I think more of the same , ie Time and space will be the right path for now.
Apparently I need a 'disclaimer' regarding my theories about the WAS / MLC actually showing us who they really are.
Because of my level of 'respect' on the board some people are reading my comments as if I am attempting to be an 'authority' and push my ideas as 'fact'.
Disclaimer: This is only a theory I am refining to fit some ideas I have about the demons that have lived inside us for so long, and how they manifest themselves during MLC or WAS syndrome. I believe that they are a reflection of our true personality, not some 'magical alien' that came out of nowhere. Some are extreme manifestations of a 'who we WISH we were'. Others may very well be part of us having a mental breakdown.
They aren't a REQUIREMENT of our present or future personality. Just the result of baggage and unfinished business from the past. The WAS / MLC'er were always 'capable' of becoming these people, some not as extreme as others. We may even be able to look back at the past and see the 'personality indicators' that were clues that this was inside them.
THIS IS JUST A THEORY. I am not saying this is true or false in all cases, however it seems to fit many cases.
Please continue to give feedback in this interesting and ongoing debate!
We now return you to our regularly scheduled rant...
Well, I received some feedback from another board member that I have been posting with a "condescending tone" in which I convey a "holier than thou attitude".
Furthermore, That I "sit high above MLCers" and have them "all figured out."
If that's the case it's surely not my intention. I've been responding to posts somewhat quickly and I am probably letting too much of my own emotions and passion get into the responses.
Sorry if anyone was annoyed. However, if you're going to be annoyed, this is the place to do it!
i just want to say that I've never taken offense at any of your posts. You passion is something I've always really liked about your posts, actually. Passion and honesty.
Also...
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
You are such a good role model for your kids.
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Frank_D, I appreciate your thoughts and comments. I think everyone has much to contribute, even in the form of journaling, I have read something someone else is dealing with and realized it wasn't just me.
Dave, Your situation sounds like mine. I don't think my wife has had an affair though. The W still lives with me and the kids but we don't share the same bed. We do communicate pretty well lately but noithing else. In counseling the other day (which I think is a waste of time sometimes) I told her that if she thought she would be happier, then I would move out. She said no. I told her sometimes I felt like we are just putting off the inevitable. She said that she didn't even think it would come to that. I don't really know what that means though. Back to the counseling "waste of time".....I say that sometimes because I feel like she has got to get back theat feeling of love and attraction for me and I don't think counseling will do that. But I am glad she agreed to go. We went out to dinner tonight and to play miniture golf with the kids but that is about it. She is actually playing a video game and I am in the other room on the computer. I do find her very attractive and it hurts that I can't touch or show any emotion. We both have had a rough year or two where I think that neither of us were happy but now it's like I have fallen in love all over again. I try to give her as much space as possible. She also said that she needs to be happy as a person before she can concentrate on us. I think there is a little MLC going on also. I don't know if the unhappy relationship caused this or is this just a cause of the MLC. Who knows? I hope she comes around....it's so hard to keep going on like this. But you probably know this better then I do. You have been at this a few months longer then me. Hang in there she might be beginning to come around with admitting the affair.
