Yesterday we made arrangements for me to ride home from work today with W. She is in the town I work in for IC. I got in the car and kind of knew things were not good. This IC is no fan of me, and has encouraged W to "establish an exit strategy, with goals and a timeline". I left it alone. I've successfully dealt with my male urge to 'fix' her when she seems down. I chalked it up to pouring a bunch of stuff out in IC and left it at that.
Get on the tollway and the opening salvo is launched.
W: Why have you been so mad the last few days? Me: I haven't. My knee is killing me and I'm having a hard time sleeping as a result. W: That's not true. It's because I'm not behaving the way you want me to. Me: What? No, wait a minute.. W: I knew it, I knew you couldn't do it. The second I just want to chill, not have sex, or cuddle or be touched by you, you lose it. You wouldn't let me sleep, you had to talk about it. Throwing the covers back, getting out of bed, going into the bathroom..., it's ridiculous. I knew it. I can't do this. We have to separate. I'm not kidding. I want you to leave or I will. I'll take the kids and go to my mom's if you don't leave.
Me: (thinking, holy cow! where did this come from?)
W: You don't get it, I don't have it in me, I don't want to try, I'm done. I don't care where I live, I don't care if we lose the house, you want a marriage seminar wife and I'm never going to be that. I don't want to spend time with you. I don't want to do things with you. When I do things with you, it's a sacrifice I'm offering to God, because it's not for me, I don't want to do anything for you.
Me: What do you want me to do?
W: I want you to leave. I can't do it anymore. Every minute of everyday with you, I cringe, I'm anxious, depressed, I can't do it any longer.
Me: Well, lets make some sort of plan here, there is a lot at stake.
W: I don't care. You can't scare me or manipulate me anymore with that stuff. I know I don't have a job, but I don't care. I think you should leave, I don't want to do anything with or for you, I don't owe that to you as a wife any longer. I think if you want to be a good father you should make it so they, (the kids), don't have to lose the house. You should be willing to do that.
Me: (this is where I lost my grip) You've got to be kidding me. You don't have to do anything because you don't "owe" me that as a wife, yet I'm supposed to do everything I'm doing now, just extract myself from the picture, leaving everything intact, just good ole daddy is not here? And again, you don't have to do anything because you don't "owe" that, but I do?
W: - basically another 30 minutes of the same stuff. Can't do it. Don't feel anything, feelings don't change, you brought this on yourself, the kids will be fine, I will finally have peace, blah, blah, blah.
Me: - (here I messed up again). Peace? You've got to be kidding me. Look around, name one divorced person we know that is living a peaceful, happy life. You can't. Even if they needed to get away due to abuse or whatever, their kids are hurting, they are hurting...
W: that's crap. You're talking about your friends...
Me: Yes and what about your sister and your best friend?
W: Neither one of them would want to go back.
Me: They are miserable, always in crisis, financially, personally or some way going through some issue. You mean to tell me that if ______'s X would have got his act together and been the man he was supposed to be, she wouldn't have preferred that to the life she is living now? Yes, your sisters X was physically and emotionally abusive, he cheated as well. Yet even with all of that she has said at certain points if he would have made genuine change she would have tried to reconcile just because it's so hard going through the divorce.
W: - (she had no comment and left soon after to go lead worship(?!) at our church).
W was upset and crying a bit. I didn't fall for that though. She isn't crying because she feels bad and wants things to work out. She is crying for the same reason I am right now..., cause this sucks and hurts more than anything I can think of. I told her a dozen times, I don't want this, yet I respect your desire to see this through. I will pack my things and leave tonight rather than have my kids go through the insane drama of us fighting over her trying to leave with them. I would rather walk away than put them through that.
God almighty, this hurts so bad. I have no patience left for my kids. They stayed home with me tonight, playing in the yard, so W went ot church alone. They are just being kids but I feel myself starting to snap, and get angry because they won't just listen.
The last bit of sparring from her was about how she will tell them everything I have done to her if I insist on telling them I don't want this, that we are only doing this because mom does. I asked what in the world is there to tell, I haven't beat you, I haven't cheated, I don't spend my nights at bars, no addictions. Yes, I was controlling, jealous, suspicious and my actions as a result were emotionally abusive, according to her. What I have read about emotional abuse, I was on the light side of things and according to some tests, I wasn't at all.., oh well, it's all in how the victim perceives the abuse so who am I to say. I know I was wrong and have worked hard to fix it.
W said her feelings are gone, they have changed and aren't coming back. I gave in and responded to this as well, though I know I shouldn't have. I said, "in '89, when we promised to love each other until we die, we never would have believed that our feelings of that day would have changed, yet they did. Now I have to believe that the feelings you say won't change today, could possibly change given the right circumstances".
W said that she had tried, in spite of all the crap I kept doing. I said, so think about what could happen if you tried to even an 1/8 of that effort and I give the right behaviors to help that effort along?
W had no response.
So there you have it folks. My bags are packed. I'm waiting for her to get home and I will leave shortly after the kids are in bed.
I will remain positive..., I'm just not feeling it right now. All the physiology stuff, ie; sit up straight, act tough/strong, walk like a warrior king, smile big and then smile bigger...., it just ain't cutting it right now. As much as I hate to admit that...
