OM/PA, MLC and the hits keep coming............

[andyv]

Had a great night at the football tonight, only my team lost, but it was a good game. Had a great dinner, excellent conversation with friends.

Got home about 5 min ago (12am), with W best friend (she left her car at our place to come to the game with me and my friends). She thanked me for another excellent night (she came to the Aust v Uruguay soccer game two weeks ago).

I had organised with W for her to look after DD on Sat night (as she had a work function on Fri night), and I had a party to go to. She agreed.

Got home just now, she left a note under my bedroom door informing me that she had made plans for Sat night and I would have to find a babysitter for DD. Pretty inconsiderate, but I will play along and not bring it up.

So my only two weekend nights off this week are catering for her needs. I have thought about my reaction when I do speak with her tomorrow, and think that I will just let it go, take my DD to my sisters house on Sat night, and leave it at that.

I have done a great job detaching and going "lovingly" dark, so I will not give her the satisfaction of engaging in any convo regarding the inconsideration, and putting OM before her own DD.

I think this would be the best course to take. Enjoy my time with DD on Fri night, Sat day, enjoy the party on Sat night, then take DD out all day Sun (as wife normally gets home after 4 am Sun and sleeps till 2pm).

For all you guys struggling to detach from your W's, I would suggest giving it a real go, as I have found it easier and easier the longer I go. And I have found that I am getting more sleep and my PMA has remained on course.

Also, my sitch that was going a million miles an hour just two weeks ago, has slowed down considerably. Possibly the calm before the storm, or turning a corner, who knows?

I cannot control her, but I can manage her.

[saddadinkc]

Hey AndyV, Glad you had a god time at the rugby game. I feel for you man with the W's being inconsiderate. Sometimes I feel like I'm her emotional crutch. I'm having a tough time staying detached after our Sunday. Last night I was so sad for some reason and I can't get out of this funk. When I picked up D she was nervous and anxious like she was hiding something. OM? Don't know. Anyway back to you. you're right, detach, detach, detach. Affairs run their course and eventually she is going to have to face what she has done. Just focus on DD and act as if you are getting on with your life. Sit back and watch the show that is her life mate, If your W is like mine it is going to be a thriller.

Peace, Tom

[NeedSomePatience]

Hey andyv,
congrats on the continued PMA. What do you think was key in detaching from W, because that is the biggest problem I have. I guess I am afraid to "let go" because i feel (like many others i have read) it will give her license to do whatever she likes with OM (and I guess never come back). It is difficult to not be interested in what she is doing (I know I can't control her, but it still irks me a bit). Was the big thing for you just keeping busy with friends, or was it something that just clicked inside of you?

[saddadinkc]

I think AndyV is passed out after the "footy" game. It is my understanding that Aussies have absolutely no fear of alcohol in large quantities. I think detaching is telling ourselves that to hang on is not healthy. Face it, the old R needs to be let go of. Give them the space and freedom to do what they need to in order to figure it out. In the mean time fill the space that you would normally be spending thinking about them with things that you enjoy. It sucks and I struggle with it. I'm not patient but I'm learning. Sorry to highjack your thread, but I figured you were too tired so I filled for you

[Dr LOve]

Hey andyv
Just caught up a little on your sitch. I used to think what we were going through is like soap opera. I used to kid my wife that the soaps she used to watch you could miss a week and catch up in a day. But everyday is deferent in our sitches.
The last time I talked to you your W was having agents look at YOUR house. Leaving papers for you to look at and coming in late making lots of noise.
Your sitch was a train going full speed over a cliff.
Now it seems that the train is still at the station. Sounds good to me. So tell me does your W best friend have an Aussie accent. I just love that in a woman. Of course you might not be able to tell being from there.
My sitch has kind of been put on hold. I am having a great time with my son. We made a pack that for the rest of our lives we will spend one week together over the summer. He really likes that idea. I don’t think he realizes though one of these days he will be the one taking me around. Showing me things.
Like I said have not had much contact with the W. I gave her a few clues on some gifts I had hidden around the house. Then I went dark yesterday. I did not call her. I let her call us. After she talked to my son a little she wanted to talk to me. We had pleasant conversation. Nothing major. I will not call her again tonight. When she calls I’ll probably give her another gift. I have 3 left hidden around the house. I am kind of in la la land myself right now. When I get back reality will hit and I know I will need your support to keep a positive attitude.
It looks like some of my mojo made it to ya
Remember what goes around comes around. I may need some back.


Later
Husband

[andyv]

Hey saddadinkc,

Mate, don't worry too much about those sad periods, I have had many of them.

You are heading in the right direction by detaching. I have read your sitch, and I think the more you try (detaching, not worrying about W etc), the better it will get.

Like you said, once you give them the space and freedom that they initially requested, they will think a whole lot clearer about everything that they are doing.

Don't rush into things when it looks like things are going well. The day that W intitiates possibly coming back into the R will be the day I act on it.

But just stay lovingly detached, or lovingly dark, and keep doing the things that make you happy. And just be the wonderful person that you are. It takes time, so use this time to enjoy your new found freedom.

[andyv]

Hi NSP,

Thx for stopping by.

Once you take the "secrecy" away re OM, it becomes just a normal relationship. Sort of takes the euphoria and romance away from them. Your W will probably do what ever she want's to do with OM regardless of whether you let go or not. It is beyond your control. If you push too hard, it will make OM a better proposition.

The big thing for me was doing all the things I wasn't allowed to do when I was M. I am spending more time with my family and friends. Am playing golf alot more, going to sports functions, spending more quality time with DD, seeing my family more, advancing myself at work etc etc.

If you keep yourself busy, you will find that you will not have enough time to worry about what W may or may not be doing. You are flat out managing your own life without her.

Also, I have found that I am a more attractive option to be with now that I have let go and am GALing (compared to being the needy, depressed and loving doormat after she dropped the Bomb, and trying to get her back, snooping, instigating R talks, going to her family etc etc).

Its funny, but even her best friend (post MLC), who is 12 years younger than W, prefers to spend time with me and my friends than with W. The tides are turning my friend, and the secret is to get your confidence back.

I look back on my life with W and see that everything I did was for her, when I think about it, my whole life revolved around her happiness. I never expected anything in return.

So after reading all the success stories, and numerous books and articles, this will take a long time, and I want to make sure that I am in the best emotional and physical state regardless of whether she comes back or not.

Like I said before, from history (in other peoples sitches) you cannot stop what is going to happen with OM, I am sorry about that. If you are willing to forgive and forget in the future, if or when W decides to return, that will be up to you. But you cannot worry about things that are "beyond your control". So my advice would be just let her go, it will get easier for you.

Trust me, I was the most controlling and jealous person alive before my sitch. So if I can do it, anybody can.

[andyv]

Yes, so I did have a few light ales at the football. But I am as fresh as a daisy this morning.

Am all dressed ready for the Gym, then starting work later in the afternoon. I am still depressed about my team losing, but heck, life can be worse right

You are right, the secret is to keep yourself busy. Do all the things that W wouldn't let you do. Spend more time with family and friends. Maybe even take up a hobby that she would not let you do......

My thread is your thread buddy, you are more than welcome.

[saddadinkc]

Sh**, WAW just called and told me she is not going to pick up D tonight, She is going out for drinks with friends from work. She has to pick up D at 8:00 am so I can get to my job. I smell OM. I f'ed up and asked who? she said some of the girls. Damn why did i even bother to ask, now I feel like shi*. I hate this G**Da** roller coaster ride.

[andyv]

Hi Husband,

That MOJO you sent helped heaps, thanks buddy.

Yes my W's best friend does have an Aussie accent, and all my friends are smitten with her and want to include her in everything. No wonder she is enjoying her time and wanting to hang out with me more that W.

And yes, it seems my train has been delayed at the station, for how long I do not know.

She is very quiet when she does get home now, but I am sensing that she is testing me in regards to my GALing. She reneged on being able to look after DD on Sat night (I had a party to go to, heaps of women, possibly some inappropriate touching etc just kidding).

She left me a note, to say she had plans (along with Fri night), so she has reneged on sharing a night each.

But this morning, I let it go, and she sort of baulked before taking DD to school, thinking I was going to bring it up. No chance, been there done that and got a postcard

Its good to see your sitch has slowed down somewhat also. You have made the right decision to go somewhat dark. I still think it is so early for your W to even know what she wants right now. Give her the space and time to figure things out, while things are calm. So backing off completely and enjoying time with your family is a good step.

You need to be in a position that your W wants to come back for her own reasons. So when you get home, detach some more. Hard as it may be, you just have to let her go some more. Don't rush it.

I have bottled some of my own "home brew" MOJO. Let me know when u need some, it is fermenting as we speak.

All the best buddy.