Cadesmom34 Lou, don't know you, but do have some affection for you & BB all the same. Thanks CDM34
I wish she would be willing to make some changes and put some effort into your SL. BB thinks she is putting in effort. Comparing her mental POV about sex and what she will do, then that would be called effort by some people.
Unfortunately, if she's NOT willing to make any changes whatsoever, just like Cemar & AC (W?), then there are decisions to make and I know you have chosen to stay and pray like mad According to BB she did make changes by reducing her shopping addiction by 75%. That is her POV of making changes.
I still would have to wonder if she really "gets it."
We were at a gathering and one female friend said, "once a person is old enough for social security, early retirement benefits (62) sex should automatically stop. The lady ~56 ish, is upset Viagra an insurance covered drug and that it exists, and that birth control pills are not covered by some insurance plans.
That was more radical than BB would say, but it rings true with some/many women./BB think.
It broke my heart to hear my H say he actually felt rejected by me not wanting or not having sex w/ him. I never realized that's how he felt or that's how it made him feel. Yes I can imagine all that from both sides. Like I said, I am so glad you got the message.
If you heard “don’t come to visit him in the local hospital if he was injured/seriously ill,” what would you feel. I ask because I think when I said about that to BB, it was a clear message about feeling very detached. I also felt it was mean spirited. I didn’t intend to be cruel or mean spirited. I thought about the possibility of something serious happening and what would I do if it happened. Sort of like hearing you have 5 years to live and being asked what you wanted to do with your last five years.
General: Tired, over worked, not in the mood: I realize women have lots to do and many things seem to be more important than the M and the M relationship.
I think I could convince BB sex is a very important part of “my M” to her. I know she knows it is for me. She understands intellectually fairly well but isn't interested herself or believes it isn’t really that important. She sees sex as a mans want and sort of need but as something women don't like to do, and something women have to pay lip service to because men are self centered.
Yes, I can do more and more things on my own. That might work. I could say I want a trial sep. That might work. Until I find a solution or limit I will continue to fix up the house and sell my business inventory. When my business things are gone and a few more remodel projects are done, I am going to find serious away from home activities.
One thing that came up more than ones in our M was BB saying, "why don't men just get over want sex" like it was something a man could turn off or on with a switch.
Another female friend said once a man reaches 60/retirement age, there ought to be some marital contract clause, that sex should be over.
Does telling a W how lonely, rejected a man feels, ever penetrate those anti-sexual attitudes?
And here I am, last night trying to stir the good feelings that might lead to a sexual encounter. I got BB clothes off, did the kissing, did the body caressing, put my leg on her leg, then got the "You don't really want to do anything, do you? So I said yes I do.
Back and forth a few times but it looked like I would have to be the heavy so I said I needed a hand job, only BB thought that was icky. I placed her hand on my groin a couple of times and took care of myself. Then proceeded to rub her back for 10 minuets.
??The occasion??>Duplicating a previous event. It used to be when BB wanted something, she acted sexy. She wanted a TV for the bedroom. I got a deal on one and ran the cable to connect the TV to the Cable system. This time there wasn't any sexy bait thrown my way.
Why the HJ? I did that for me. I got tired of backing down, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.
Did I feel rejected, Yes, some. Rejection or being wanted wasn't the main goal. An alterative goal was for me to go for something and not back down. It is one reason I changed my screen name to Do It Yourself, meaning I have to do it myself, I can’t rely on books or someone else.
I could say how rejected I felt. I don't think I personally would have gotten anywhere, that is till I was about to pack my bags and leave.
I am calm, straight faced, and in a matter of fact mood, not happy, not sad with the results of this M, which is more like a science project day by day.
So, the question is for the women that woke up and saw that it is more about being wanted than getting off. What might work?
Oh please don't tell me that it will end at 60 .... H is already past that and I'm fast approaching
And here I thought we were doing so well - *sigh*
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Move HER into another bedroom. Lock, stock and barrel. Tell her that you will only live one more year in a SSM.
Then continue on being Lou. Kind, patient... GAL... let her figure it out. If she asks you for clarification, give it to her, kindly, gently... but be firm.
Lou, I truly wish I could tell you. I just really don't know. I honestly don't know why exactly we get to where we do in our R's and how they get fixed or not. I know that I've done my very best to *fix* my M, but I don't have any assurances that that will even be enough for H in the long run. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. I tried to help w/ the other guys on that other thread to at least get some sort of insight into our thinking, but everyone is really different and even if the *reasons* we got to where we are are the same, getting back to *good* may not be the same for everybody.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, I thought NOP's idea that you should join a dance club where other older women will be all over you was an excellent idea. At least you'll get some positive validation. I'll make a deal with you Lou. If you will step outside of your comfort zone and do something like that, I will promise not to have sex with any Hispanic youth with tattoos for at least the next 6 months. That way the order/disorder Karmic balance of the world will be maintained.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That does sound like a good idea, but make sure BB joins too. Maybe a little bit of old-fashioned jealousy is what she needs !!
You get kind of *comfortable* w/ your spouse, but I can tell you that sparks (p*ssed off ones) definitely fly when you realize that someone else may find your spouse attractive, sexy, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
HW Oh please don't tell me that it will end at 60 Well it ends mentally for some women at 60. I am 63 and did the HJ last night and woke up with wood. So no, it doesn’t end at 60 or 63, maybe 64???? J J/K.
I want to start a country, island, or community and call it Will'ya. Will you love me and have sex with me and be my best friend till you or I have trouble. Then will you try what is available till we can't but still flirt with me. Not exactly Zorba the Greek, but the good old college try or fake it till you make it.
Know any good, affordable islands in Puget Sound for sale?
Mojo I'll make a deal with you Lou. If you will step outside of your comfort zone and do something like that, I will promise not to have sex with any Hispanic youth with tattoos for at least the next 6 months. That way the order/disorder Karmic balance of the world will be maintained.
That was a good one Mojo.
I think about NOP's idea often but like some other self centered men with ethics, well some ethics and some chickened ness, keep trying the honey gets more flies than vinegar route.
I just thought of a problem. I don’t want flies. Why am I still using honey?
Some days I think I am close to breaking through to a solution.
Corri Move HER into another bedroom. Lock, stock and barrel. Tell her that you will only live one more year in a SSM.
Then continue on being Lou. Kind, patient... GAL... let her figure it out. If she asks you for clarification, give it to her, kindly, gently... but be firm.
I actually tried that for a few weeks. I moved to the other room, minus the hardware,the time limit, and the GAL.
I did most of the kind, gentle, and patient, trouble was there always is some P/A stuff from both of us. : (
According to BB I have improved a lot but still need to get rid of my inventory, AND she still doesn’t have much interest in sex.
More work for me: GAL, neaterize the house, be firmer. Really??it is already firm! Oh, not that kind of firm??? I see.
