NikkiB #16

[NikB]

I just happened to spot this from Michele in another forum (forget where). Anyway it kinda hit home for me today so I wanted to post it on my thread too.

"Working on your marriage means making the decision to be there in spirit, not necessarily to be head over heels in love when you start, but to invest yourself fully. Working on your marriage means giving of yourself completely, putting your spouse's needs before your own- and vise versa. It means quitting the game of keeping score. It means forgiving and letting go. Working on your marriage means focusing on people's strengths and downplaying their shortcomings. It means not expecting to have all or even the majority of your needs satisfied by one person. It means vowing to have a full and satisfying life of your own so that you don't blame your spouse unfairly about your unhappiness. It means appreciating the little things and overlooking life's annoyances. It means recognizing that no one, not even you or me, is perfect."

I am still kind of processing it... but it hit home because I feel myself putting up walls to protect myself, acting in ways I'm not happy with because of letting the insecurity creep in, those kinds of things. It was subtle and now I can see it crept in slowly, but I was doing things to sabotage some of the progress we were making and I need to cut it out.

I realize that first and foremost I need to give H the freedom to make his own choice - that part's sunk in. But beyond that I think that this whole message is really important. It doesn't matter that H isn't in the same place right now. I am still going forward with changing my focus back to myself and taking care of myself better again - no worries there! I just think the message here about keeping score, dropping expectations, overlooking annoyances - all of those are things I've let fall by the wayside and I need to fix that.

Thanks for letting me share.

As for the PW contact... I've thought about it more and I really don't want to even consider rebuilding an R that includes accepting lies, or burying my head in the sand. I said I wasn't ready to issue an ultimatem and I'm not, but I realized that I am ready to ask for honesty (option #2) and try it out for a short time, and see if I can deal with it. I know this was suggested before and I didn't think I could do it - but having lived with the alternative, the hiding and lying, I want to give this a try. Maybe I can do it, maybe I can't (and the same for H), we'll see. Doesn't mean I'll accept the contact forever (even if he IS honest), and I will be clear on that, but I'm going to try for now as long as he's honest with me.

So depending on the outcome of "what do you mean by giving up on yourself?", and building on what OT said earlier, I'm thinking something like:

"H, I want you to know that I don't want to be a default wife anymore than you want to give up on yourself. I am open to trying this R and seeing how it works for both of us. I think I get that you are open to the same. If so, then we both need to be very clear on the fact that we are working on the M together, but if it doesn't work out and one of us leaves, that is really OK. I want an M where we are both freely choosing to be in it together, and that can only be the case if we both feel free to make other choices. We just need to be honest about what is going on. That includes your contact with PW, since I know it's still going on. I need you to be honest with me about your contact with her. If we choose to stay in this M for the long term I won't be able to accept any social contact with her, but for now I just want us to be honest with each other about everything either one of us is doing that has an impact on our relationship."

Any thoughts???