Re the whole debate about being persuaded. Not knowing if you really feel like it, thinking you might be seducible but not sure, not 100% in the mood when he initiates etc.
The dynamic of that scenario is very complicated. First of all the man wants it, the woman was thinking about something else entirely when he starts coming on to her and he wants to distract her attention away from whatever she is doing/thinking. So she starts off feeling a)neutral, not particularly horny and b)a very tiny bit irritated about being distracted. But if she is a loving kind of W who generally has a high SD and understands the importance of being willing she will try and get her sexy hat on. So the next step is to try to feel sexy, but there has already been a beat missed and the H picks up on that, and thinks oh-oh she's not really into it. Which is true, but that doesn't mean she couldn't be persuaded - like Crazy Eddie says. But now in addition to trying to feel sexy she is also aware that he's aware etc. He starts to back-pedal a bit, she starts to feel a shift of responsibility on to HER to make this a sexy encounter - to say no,no it's OK come on I am up for it really (even if she still isn't quite feeling that way). There are just so many ways for the whole thing to not work out.
So what would work? What would the man like to hear/see from the woman when he first starts to make his moves? Remembering of course that she will skip a beat.
Would he like to hear: I wasn't really in a sexy mood, but you could try and change my mind.
But even that somehow is a deal that you can't easily go back on. If you still don't get in the mood it is like you are either saying "you are completely useless at getting me in the mood" or "I am completely heartless and don't want to be the mood even for your sake"
To be honest the easy way out for me when I'm not in the mood is to give H a bj. But sometimes he feels uncomfortable with that - like he has taken without giving and I wasn't even in the mood in the first place so to be such a taker is even worse. But it's not like that, it's worse to have someone try and arouse you when you don't really feel like it, than just to give them pleasure without having to get into that zone yourself. And the strange thing is I often feel much sexier and warmer to wards him AFTER I've given him a bj than before.
It's just occurred to me that H has been the one acting LD all this time, surely he must have felt the same pressures coming from me. Hmm - maybe that's worth having a conversation about.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
