Help! Wife says marriage is beyond repair

[PMA_Baby!]

My wife and I are on the verge of divorce. She has made it clear that she is done. That she has no will left to be my wife. We would have been married 7 yrs this August and have a 1 1/2 yr old daughter. We have been going to marriage couseling for the last couple months. First together and now separate. Everyone including my wife is telling me to let her go that I deserve better. We have been together for 11 yrs I can’t just let her go. She wants to sell our house and get her own place. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have to move on and let her go. I can’t force someone to love me. I would do anything to save this marriage, but I know she is done. Maybe having her get her own place and living on her own for a while will change things. I never would have wanted to have a child with her if the life long commitment was not there. I feel like I have been used and taken advantage of. I included a letter I sent to her a week ago that expressed my feelings in response to a email she sent me. One other note, which I feel bares a lot of the stress to this situation is my wife just opened up a new business a few months ago as has felt overwhelmed ever since. When we first decided to start this business it was for our families future. Now I feel like she is doing it all for herself.

Here's the latest email I received from my wife.

Hope you are o.k. Sorry if I was harsh - all very emotional for both of us. You've really been trying, I know. I don't question your devotion, just have my stuff to deal with and years of frustrations, disconnect and miscommunication. You can't rebuild when it gets broken beyond repair.

I will always love you for Sabrina, but am not capable of this. You deserve better.

I'm sorry.

Here's the letter I responded to her with:

I'm sorry I've been so upset. Yes, I'm an emotional person and I am in a lot of pain. It's been hard to accept that you don't want to be my wife any more. You need to stop thinking about yourself for once and realize the position you put me in. These feelings aren't going to go away over night. I have accepted the fact that I have lost the love of my life, but it does not make it any easier. I know you want me to just put aside my feelings for now and put on my gameface so we can get the house ready to sell and get you your new condo and let u get on with your new life. But, unfortunately, I haven't been able to so please stop being so cruel and throwing the fact that I am emotional in my face. It's not a bad thing and someday you will wish you had it back. I always new you had a rough childhood, but I never thought it would come back to bite me the way it has. I was always your number one cheerleader as you put it. I always supported you and your career. I accepted the fact that I was never going to come before your career. You have always had something to prove to the world and more importantly yourself. I guess it's true what they say "that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself". I'm going to need time. I wish I would have paid attention to the signs more. I thought we were just under stress with all the things we took on. I wish you would have stood up for yourself and told me how you felt before we took on all these properties and all our financial debt. We both feel trapped because we are. I thought we would always be together and work through anything. When I said my vows, "For better and for worse..." they meant something to me. I feel so stupid, so nieve. So manipulated and used. I don't know how anyone could do this to another human being. To have a child with me. To go through that whole bonding experience together less then 2 yrs ago and now to want to end it all. I feel like you have been setting me up for along time. You definitely have playing the victim role down. I'm not sure if you we're just weak and didn't want to face these issues or you have been planning to leave me for a long time. I feel duped about the new business move. I feel you used me so you could do your training and get your office set up. I'm still not sure what happened at your condo.. I don't think your telling me the truth. No matter what the reason you had no right to cheat on me. The fact that I didn't tell you about the bachelor party strip club thing did not give you the right to disrepect our wedding vows. Afterall, it was 7 yrs ago. If you think it did then your more screwed up then I thought. No matter how you look at it would I did was not immoral. Stupid maybe. Disreseptful? but not immoral. You can take that up with the boss up stairs someday. I'm not sure if you have been seeing anyone else. Just the thought of you kissing some other man rips my heart out. Hopefully, someday you will deal with your issues before you break some other guys heart or even our daughters. I'm not sure what you meant by XXX being such a good friend. Have you kissed him? have you slept with him? Have you been confiding in eachother. Swapping horrible marriage stories. Comiserating with eachother. Only God and your conscience knows. You will have to live with that. I hope whatever you have lined up was worth it. Even if you have been confiding in someone else. It's emotional cheating. I never cheated on you and never would. You have really hurt me and I because of you it's going to be a long time before I will be able to trust and love someone again. I hope this is truly what you want. I ultimately want you to be happy and I thought I was going to be the one to do it. Like I've heard a thousand times over the last couple months "If you love something enough let it go if it doesnt come back then it was never yours to begin with". Anyway, I know I'm rambling. Mock me all you want. I know how weak and pathetic I seem to you. That dam emotional side coming out again. Hopefully, some day I will be able to forgive you for all this pain so we can be friends. I just needed to get this stuff off my chest. Hopefully, you will be able to as well. Sorry I wasn't your answer. I hope someday you find what your looking for. Anyways, thanks for all the memories, thanks for our daughter, and thanks for the dance.

thanks for taking the time to read this. Any advice would be appreciated.

[BeingMe]

Hi! Sorry you find yourself on this site, but you are in the right place.

Firstly, have you read the Divorce Remedy book or the Divorce Busting book? Try and get a copy, and read it, or read as many of the posts here, and the introductions by the moderators. There's a lot of people in similar sitches who will be able to give you great advice, and you can brainstorm with them, any steps you want to take, before you take them. Sometimes we think an action is a good idea until we run it by someone who did the same thing, and it didn't work, for instance.

Secondly, don't tell your W how you are feeling again, especially do not tell her you love her, or remind her about the vows you took ... no begging, crying, arguing, etc. (most of us have done this, and it just pushes them further away - the thing is to be someone she will want to talk to, and hopefully want to be with again). If you can't control your emotions when around her, then try to keep meetings with her short, and to the point. Do not discuss your R, only business and your daughter. You have told her how you feel in the email, and now let it rest ... no point in repeating yourself.

It looks like you need to try the Last Resort Technique (or LRT). Read up on it, and give it a shot. At this point, try and go dark (which means as little contact as possible ... if she is home, it might be a little difficult, so just avoid any emotional discussions). You need time to get to the point where you are more detached from the situation, and not as emotional (and you're right, BTW, there is nothing wrong with being emotional in normal circumstances ... shows you are able to love, be empathetic, and kind). Too much emotion now will just drive her further away. Be cool, polite, distant.

Now is the time to focus on yourself and your daughter. Make sure you spend as much time with her as possible. Try finding time to hang out with friends, for fun not to discuss your marriage problems. Take up a new hobby, or reconnect with an old one. Go to the gym ... exercise helps us destress. Take time to think about what you want for your life, outside of your marriage. Remember, you are more than your relationship with your wife. Also, that you cannot control her, only yourself and your reactions.

Your wife obviously has issues that she needs to deal with, and that is up to her. In the meantime, you can work on yourself, by getting a life (or GAL on the forum), taking control of yourself, and I think you should continue to see a counselor.

Keep posting here ... it's great to just vent all your frustrations here, and be calm in the real world.

Well, that's all I can think of, for now. Take care of yourself ... keep yourself busy. Oh, and I think we all understand that you are feeling really gyped right now, and really, really angry. That is very normal ... just don't let yourself obsess too much, but distracting yourself, hence the GAL theory.

Take it one day at a time. Hope this helps some.

[PMA_Baby!]

BeingMe - Thank you for your kind words. Yes, this has been a very difficult time for me. Especially, since I am more emotional then she is. Although, I knew we werent totally happy in our marriage I took for granted the fact that we we're married we would work everything out. Like I said before, my vows did mean something to me. My parents have been married for 40 yrs and have been through a lot, but never gave up on eachother. I just thought with all the changes we have been going through that she was just adjusting. I thought if she was truly unhappy that she would have talked to me about it before giving up and wanting to leave. Especially, after just having a child together. She does come from a difficult background. Father went to jail for molesting a girlfriend. Stepdad was emotionally abusive for 17 yrs. Anytime, I ever got upset about anything she would just shut down. This whole thing really caught me off guard. Like Michele says about the "walk away wife" syndrome the husband usually never realizes how they feel until they leave. If only they we're given a second chance.
All she keeps on saying is that she is emotionally drained. She doesn't have it in her any more to be my wife. That I deserve better. That I deserve to be happy. I'm so tired of her saying that and other people telling that. I was happy. That why I married her and thats why we had a child together less then 2 yrs ago. We have been together for 11yrs. Dated for 4 yrs before I asked her to marry me. I knew what I wanted. Even my couselor is telling me that I deserve better, that I deserve someone that truly loves me for me. Blah Blah! She is a tradional couselor. Freud approach. Not a Brief Couselor. I did read divorce busting and am look ing for a brief couselor in my area. The Chicago area. I also am considering the phone couseling. The bottom line is that I know any relationship I'm in takes work. I also still feel commited to this marriage. We have only been separated for 3 months. How long should I keep on fighting for it. We are in the process of selling our house. She still relies on me to do the bills and watch our daughter whenever work stuff comes up for her. I'm not sure if I should still try to be there for her and be her friend hoping that it will turn into something else or should I "go dark" as you say and give her a taste of what life without me would be like? So many questions. This is still all so new to me right now.

Thank you again your help and advice. Have a nice day.

[Going Solo]

Sorry you've made it here, BM and sorry that it's taken me a bit to come back. I've been busy in my life right now and haven't had the chance to get on the boards as much.

First off, I agree with BeingMe, you need to detach from the situation and work on yourself. Become the man she fell in love with in the first place. Read DR/DB and talk on the boards. People here are terrific and can pass knowledge and advice on to you that's very supportive and works.

Since you posted on my thread, are you suspecting that W is going through MLC? If so, read up on all you can on women's MLC and MLC in general. I highly recommend reading up on Smurf's MLC Resources thread. It's got everything you need for an MLC toolkit. The main thing with MLC is TIME and PATIENCE.

Hopefully, she isn't MLC, since that is the toughest trial that your marriage will ever face.

For your own sitch, the LRT sounds like the best method. You have to work on yourself and work fast. Going Dark isn't always part of LRT, but it is favored by many in MLC boards to ease the pain of the spouses. Also, Going Dark isn't about giving the Spouse a taste of living on their own, it's about detaching yourself from a bad situation so you can GAL and increase your PMA.

Finally, I can say the pain does lessen as time goes on, and you will be able to function each day. It's kinda cliche, but it's definitely "One day at a time" when you're DBing.

Good luck and if you need anything, know that we're there for you!

[PMA_Baby!]

Hi Going Solo - Thanks for the info. I just talked to my phone coach Jody and she gave me a lot of helpful info to get me started. This whole process is so draining. One of the toughest things I need to figure out is if I truly love this process enough to keep on fight when everyone is telling me to stop. I love her and want to fight for her love. Later, I will figure out if she really loves me. This is going to be a long, bumpy ride, but it's definitely worth it.

thanks again, BM

[BeingMe]

Hi BM07! It's good that you spoke to a DB coach ... they are awesome. I wish I could've afforded one when I was going through the muck. Oh well!

IMO, the thing is NOT to fight for your W's love, or for your M. It seems counter-productive, but it's the best thing for you. The 'trick' is to concentrate on yourself. Being the best you, and your best advocate (along with any children you may have). Give your W space to figure out what she wants, and yourself space to gain control of yourself, figure out what you want out of life, and re-connect with your true, core self. Be upbeat if you're around her, don't talk about your R if you can help it. Just work on finding calm, peace, and a positive attitude about the future, with or without your W.

Sometimes, the WAS comes back, because they see the person they initially fell in love with, or they don't, but the LBS is okay because they worked on being so.

Take care .... thinking of ya!

[789]

How long have you to been seperated, or are you still living in same house?
First, stop responding to emails the way you did this one, won't help you one bit. Who cares who she is talking to for support, any way you try to find out or stop it will just make her do it that much more.
If you have read the books you not to believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. If you are committed to make it work, back off, give her space, don't accuse of anything, don't bring up the past or talk about current or future of your relationship. Just do your thing, GAL, do all the 180's that you can and fit your situation. Time is on your side, so don't push or that time will slip away.

[PMA_Baby!]

789 - Thanks again for your help. I have been reading your post on your sitch as well. Have u heard from your w from vacation? My wife left for 5 days on Fri to visit her fam in WA state along with my 1 1/2 daughter. At first I didnt hear from her and I was really trying hard not to txt and ask how our D is doing. Then yesterday I got a txt from her saying that she's sorry she didnt txt that her phone wasnt working that they were having fun. I waited a few hrs then sent a txt saying "thanks 4 the update. Glad you're having fun. Kiss D from daddy 4 me." Havent heard since. Glad she txted me though. Not sure if she really cares anymore. I really dont feel that she is capable of loving me again and opening up her heart to me. Especially after the whole bachelor party strip club thing we went through before. Because of her past she is totally against them and I was stupid and got drunk and ended up at one for my bachelor party 7 yrs ago. I never told her about it until a couple of yrs ago when a friend brought it up. Yeahm thnx bud. Anyway, I will never forget the look on her face when she found out. She was crushed. She felt like our marriage was a sham. She told me that if she found out about it the day before our wedding that she would have called it off. I always had problems with this not having the past that she does. I always felt that she should have trusted me. Well, because I didn't understand were she was coming from she emotionally left that marriage a couple of years ago. Even though we had our d together she shut down. The itimacy hasnt been there. When she found out about this 2 yrs ago she went out to a party and got drunk and supposedly only made out this a guy although I think she slept with him. She only told me about this 4 months ago when she dropped the "I love u but not in love with you" bomb on me. I replied wow I really dont understand why you feel that way and think it would have almost been easier if you cheated on me in order for me to be able to let u go. Well, be careful what u ask for because thats when she told me about this party where she made out with this guy. I'm not sure if she has been having an affair with anyone else or not. The bottom line to our sitch is she never really told me how she felt. She says she's been trying to make this marriage work for years but never said anything to me about trying to fix it. I dont know if she will ever want to work on it. Our C says that I am the best man she will ever have in her life and that some day she will have to face these issues. If not with me then someone else. I dont know how long I can hold out for her. I miss her and love her so much.

We have been separated for 4 mons now and are still living in our house which is for sale. She has her mind set on getting her own condo and starting a new life for herself and her new insurance business. I plan on giving her 6 mons on her own before I make any decisions unless she files first.

Thanks for reading. I wish u all the best in your sitch as well. Any advice?

[PMA_Baby!]

t

[789]

Haven't heard from her since friday when she arrived to IL's house.
My son has called though every night. I think our spouses care, just confused, that is what I keep telling myself. She is going to have to face alot of those issues on her own. You can admit you were wrong when asked. Just give it the time and space she wants even though you don't like it all the time.
I try not to give myself a time line, I will just know when it is time when it is time. I figure if I do give myself a time that is pre-set, I am just dooming myself for failure with my family.
Let her think about what the C says, hopefully she will face those issues sooner than later.

Good Luck