I am sorry for what you are going through.. as someone whose H cheated once.. we put it back and he cheated again and we are divorcing.. I can tell you that you wife is in a lot of pain.. she probably feels like she swallowed a lot of hurt and pain to make things work.. invested a lot of time and perhaps changed things years ago when you came back.. out of her desire to make things work and you have thrown it all back at her! Now the fact that you want to reconcile is good.. but her problem is... how can she trust that.. she gave you a chance and you went and did the same thing all over... all of her friends and family that knew about the first time and probably telling her to never trust you again! All I can say is if you do want your family back do not give up hope... some people put it back together after divorce! Just be decent to her through this process and be good to those kids! A tip on dealing with custody arrangements.. ask your W what she thinks will work and discuss it with her.. do not get mad if she does not think the same way you do! Ask her what would help her... and try and do it.. don't assume that you know what she will find helpful..obviously you have a communication problem and you do not know.. so talk.. ask! In any event good luck to you and your family.. this will be a very difficult time for you all! maybe you can help me to understand my H... He had an affair while I was pregnant with our first child.. he told me.. I love you but I am not in love with you.. the standard stuff we all seem to have heard! We went to counseling (He was not admitting to the affair at this point), we separated for approx 6 months and he did admit to the affair finally... we did reconcile and were together for 5 years during which we had another child and I thought we were closer than ever (until the last year or so).. my one condition when he came back was that if he ever ever felt that he was tempted to go back to his OW and/or wa attracted to any other woman.. in a serious way.. if he was finding himself tempted... that he would tell me and that we would get immediate help from a counselor of some type... I told him I would work with him through any problem as long as he told me about it and gave us a chance to work on it... turns out he had remained friends with his OW and never really gave it up.. and he left 5 years latter giving me one weeks notice to be with the same woman... this has been very painful to me... here is my question, when I made the one condition I had emphasized its importance... I never wanted to go throw the same pain again.. and I wanted a chance to head it off if he was tempted.. I believe in marriage and I think children are the only sufferers of a divorce... so I wanted that chance... so tell me, why not tell me.. heh I have seen so and so alot lately.. just as frineds.. but I am very tempted to be with her again... lets go get help? That is what I do not understand.. why not give us a fair chance? I understand that I was not a perfect wife.. that I gave a lot of my time and energy to the kids and not to him...ther are many ways that I probably let him down... but what I am angry about is that he did not tell me what was going on... you talked about the vicous circle.. you are right.. we each have done things to each other in relationships... who starts it is often difficult to determine... but when he already had one concrete example of the pain and hell caused.. why go down the same path again.. why not open up his mouth and say.. hey.. I don't understand what is going on.. but I am feeling bad.. I am feeling attracted to someone else.. I am having those divorce thoughts again... let's go talk to someone because what we are doing is just not working? That is where I disconnect with men and women who have affairs and point to their needs not being met as the reason... you know what, your spouses needs weren't being met either and he/she didn't have an affair as a way of dealing with it...I agree that needs not being met is a major reason for unhappiness in a marriage and in divorce... Why complicate things with an affair...? Adding a third party just makes it messy and nasty...in one cite I was reading an analogy was made to the emotional recovery for the victim of infidelity (the non adulterer) is similar to the recovery (emotionally) of a rape victim... I think the analogy was to the sense of betrayal.... reading that gave me an understanding of why I felt soooo bad! But it is hard to deal with. You have two boys who it sounds you love very much...how is all of this effecting them?
