I spoke with an old time Db'er last night, HopefulHusband, and he said something to me that I felt was very very enlightening. His W and he will be divorced. She has gone from one loser to another while he has been forced to improve his life and protect his kids from her stupidity. Surprisingly, She comes to HIM for support or advice sometimes but really never listens. She wants what she wants and just can't help herself.
I had told him about my post regarding the WAS's or MLC'ers showing us 'who they really are' and that some of us were having trouble absorbing that because we think that the 'alien' they have become is 'not in character for them', since we haven't seen them be this way, at this extreme.
He said (I'm paraphrasing):
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As I looked back at her behavior during our marriage, I can see small indicators that she was really living on a 'line' where she was in the marriage as long as everything was going the way she planned it should go. As long as I was always at her beck and call, or catering to her need to be 'in charge'. And she was constantly 'testing' me to see when I'd 'screw up' so she'd be justified to leave.
I've come to realize that she was OUT OF CHARACTER while she was MARRIED to me, and that her 'true self' was the person who existed BEFORE we got married. Being married and in an 'adult' relationship was OUT OF CHARACTER for her.
Even HER friends and HER family told me they were surprised it lasted as long as it did because they NEVER thought she was really able to be in a real relationship.
Now, she's back in character, in one year she's dated 3 'men', each of whom she's talked about getting married to - and she isn't even divorced yet! The most recent one she bailed out of jail so they could be together.
My W and I have spoken about this topic and she adds the following:
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One other thing to remember is that both spouses brought their issues into the marriage, trying to 'resolve' them with their 'stand in' Father or Mother. The problem is they went into it afraid that they couldn't really 'be themselves' and WORK on resolving issues because of the fear that their S would not accept this side of them.
Things like being able to have a disagreement with frank_d and not be afraid it will turn into a fight, or being able to be accepted as a sexual goddess and not feel like I'll never be forgiven or accepted for all my past promiscuity or other things I've done that I'm not very proud of. It's knowing that you loved me enough to forgive me for acting out and running away so I could 'feel better' instead of standing and working on both of us.
When you both don't work on these things or when life throws you some hard balls, it's very easy to 'fall back' into your old, familiar behaviors because THAT's who you are.
When we can look at these behaviors and work through them with our stand in fathers and mothers, we can put them away forever and become a whole person.
W also points out that it was the fact that I just let her be - I didn't judge her actions, I accepted them and was willing to let her go, that she started to realize that I did love her - unconditionally, and that she wouldn't find that kind of love anywhere else.
Also, we wouldn't have been able to be together UNTIL we finally went to counseling and talked about the REAL issues, her feelings of inadequacy in our relationship because she was so dependent on me for everything, and my annoyance that she WAS so dependent on me for everything - I wanted her to be herself, have a life, find a career that fulfilled her needs.
I felt very unsupported when the 'chips were down' and she had to realize it was ok to talk about things, instead of closing down and hoping I would 'get over it'.
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but the bottom line is this:
We brought 'ourselves' into the marriage. Some of it we kept suppressed, but in the end it had to come out and be addressed one way or he other. So, the people we are during the MLC or while being a WAS are REALLY who we are. It's what we DO with that knowledge that makes the difference in how the FUTURE 'us' will evolve.
As the LBS, we can do the most good by accepting that this is who the WAS REALLY is. If the situation is extreme, we do have to protect ourselves, our kids and our financial situations.
However, the longer we show the unconditional acceptance of who they are, without allowing them to abuse us of course, the higher the probability that they will eventually see for themselves that they CAN have a better, calmer life in a stronger, more open relationship. That their old 'self' just doesn't have to be 'who they are' any more. They can be free of that pain.
For some, that awakening may come too late to save the marriage. Yet, because of who many of us are on this board, because we will always show the acceptance and understanding when possible, they will be continuously getting that feedback from us, and it will be what eventually turns them around and provides an awakening.
Maybe they will be with us, maybe not. Either way WE will be doing the right thing.
