Almost 8 months and counting

[Yoyowife]

Theoden,
You are so right that all we can do is love our children well. You are a good man and I know you are doing that? By the way, how is the new job? Anything happening in your relationship? You are so good to worry about everyone, we worry about you too.

[Yoyowife]

Okay, I have known all along that the OW is a manipulator, but today I learned more. In the beginning OW told my MIL lots of things my H had complained to her about me and then embellished them. My MIL went to the office at least once a week and they apparently became big buddies. It took me a long time to figure this out. I heard that MIL was going around talking about me. I first thought MIL had heard all of this from my H, but he said he had not told him mother anything. At the time I remember him saying I swear that I didn't. I didn't believe him. Well, after I talked to OW's H he told me how his wife would come home and say how my H complained that I didn't keep a spotless house or cook enough. I work full time and was constantly involved in carpooling my D to her various after school activities. It dawned on me that the OW was the one that told my MIL all of this. I remember my H telling me at the time, I know where this came from and I'll put a stop to it. Well, I thought he was talking about that he was going to tell his mother to quit talking about me. A couple of months ago I was reading about EA and how your spouse confides in the other in someone and and soon it turns emotional and then usually physical. Well, the light bulb went off in my head and it was then that I knew OW had ran her mouth to MIL.

Today, I learned more what a manipulator she is. My H's cousin's wife and I are very good friends. Our husbands may be only cousins, but they used to be more like brothers before all of this happened. H is very secretive to his cousin as well. The cousin's wife came over today to lay out by the pool with me. She said that her H told her that the other day he called my H and asked him if he wanted to grab lunch so that he could get a some blueprints from him. My H said he had already eaten so his cousin said well I'll just come by your office to get them. My H sorta of hedged around and said how long will it take you. The cousin said about 20 min and my H said oh, okay. Well, when the cousin got there, the OW/secretary was cleaning up the office kitchen because she had cooked lunch for him at the office! I guess she is trying show my H what a little suzy homemaker she is, since I was such a bad example of a wife! She is using all the negatives my H told her and using them to her advantage! What a schemer!

[chicki]

That is why in the beginning of me finding out about my H's OW I was trying to find out things my H was complaining about b/c he wouldn't open up to me at all. At first ( not so much anymore) when he use to compare us and was all about the negatives fo me, I told him that Ow had a huge advantage on me b/c she was able to hear about all my faults and had one up on me to make sure she did not do the same!!
I uped my game and started all kinds of new recipes. Every week I tried a new one & H(before I kicked him out) was coming home evryday & asking what was new on the menu. Cooking was never alove for me,but since then I haev learned to enjoy it better, so much that H bought me a Rachel Ray cook book for mother's day!! He use to never care enough for that holiday!!
I don't know if you haev litlle tiny ones, but I have 3 girls under the age of 10yrs & it is hard to keep their room spotless. H biggest pet peave when he would get home from work. Since then I try harder to keep their room clean whenever he coming around.

The last few months ago he would come by & question if I was having "my BF" come by b/c the house was always so clean....

[theoden]

Yoyo,

Ouch. Yeah, so the OW doesn't like you. Your husband painted a bad picture and she's trying to resuce him. It's typical.

My wife and my best friend got together one evening and my wife shared how dry her marriage felt. I assume he would have ran to me and said, "Dude, there's a red-alert. Your marriage is in trouble." Instead he listened, empathized and fell in love with her. Emotional affair, then physical affair. Typical bullsh%t.

Of course when my wife told me she was considering leaving me, she never told me about the EA with my best friend. So I went to him to cry my heart out and ask for his advice. He was distant, cool and spent most of the conversation empathizing with my wife's point of view, telling me how neglectful I had been of her needs. We had several conversations like this and I felt something was wrong. Why wasn't my best friend rallying to my side and helping me save my marriage? When my wife explained about their "mutual attraction" it all made sense. Someone has to be demonized, and it's usually the betrayed spouse(s). Unless they believe in open marriages, most people need reasons to justify their infidelity. The reason is usually their awful, unloving, critical, spouse. When this started, my best friend told me his wife didn't meet any of his emotional needs in the last 3 years. Ohhhh......So THAT's why he's f*cking my wife. Oh I see. Well, that's a good reason.

Please...where do I puke?

Honey, they don't just manipulate and scheme. They will lie to their spouses, friends and relatives. They will do just about anything to get what they want and keep from being discovered.

Look sweetie...no more Mr. Theoden nice guy.

Your husband is out of the house, sleeping with his secretary. She's clearly trying to steal him from you. And he likes having the attention of two women.

Don't you think it's time you stopped inviting him over for dinner and sleeping with him? He does not respect you. He's drunk on the power trip of having two women fight over him.

Do you want to rebuild your marriage on the premise that you are always available for him, have no personal boundaries and that it's OK for him to sleep with another women while he sleeps with you? Good luck with that. If you don't demand respect, he won't give it to you.

What does getting a life mean to you?

Doing things/shopping with you daughters is good, but it seems like more of the same old, same old.

How about you take a trip by yourself? A pilgrimage of sorts.

Spend 3 days in a monastary.

Take an adventure/hiking-climbing trip.

Find yourself.

Take a martial arts class that allows you let our aggression and build up personal power.

Volunteer at a homeless shelter.

Go on a missions trip.

Spend a week building a house for Habitat for Humanity.

Treat yourself to a spa for a day.

You every breath right now is caught up in your husband's affair. You are being defined by his actions.

Start asking the existential questions: What do YOU want? Who are you?

A friend once challenged me and said, "Theoden, I'm really tired of hearing about what your wife is doing and how it's putting you into a tailspin. Talk to me about your call to adventure. Right now, you are acting like you are a footnote to your wife's story. Start acting like she is a footnote to YOUR story. If things work out, you will become equal partners in a shared story." That's some of the best advice I got.

Theoden

[Yoyowife]

Theoden,
My H too left because he wasn't "happy" and hadn't been for a long time. When I asked if there was someone else, of course his answer was no.

It's so hard to believe the two people that you loved and trusted the most betrayed you. You are a remarkable person who values life.

I have made up my mind that I am so much better than he has been treating me. No more victim for me. It's going to be all about me. I will be the best person and mother I can be.

As for the volunteering part, I do volunteer for the children's hospital.

[chicki]

Theo,

I love to read your advice they r always so insighful!!
If u have a chance I am in newcommers. I understand about the respect thing! I kicked H out b/c I got tired of allthe cake eating. At first I took some people advice on keep giving into sex to win him back ,but then it was not going anywhere and I thought why should he leave Ow when he is getting it from the both of us. I knew something had to give.

A few times after he left he 'd come by & still try to have sex and a few times I was weak, but I have overcome it and even though w/ tears filled I would turn him down. His cousin's wife was here a few weekends ago & she noticed the difference &asked what did you do to him? He seems diff. respects you more 7 nuch nicer to you? I had not really noticed until she pointed it out.

[theoden]

Yoyo,

And from what your daughter's say, you are a hottie. ;-)

---Theoden

[theoden]

Chiki,

You got it. He can't have you and OW.

Next time, don't cry when you refuse him.

Tell him, "Hun, I know you need me real bad. And I know right now, I could make you tremble in ecstasy. . But you see, I need some personal space and I'm doing some thinking. I've got an exciting life to live and I'm thinking about who's going to be in it and who isn't. Right now, you aren't winning any points while you screw another woman. Listen, you need to leave right now, I'm running late for an important meeting."

--theoden

[chicki]

Yes, I only cried once and he held me and that was on of our best R talks. he apologized for attempting that. Every now and then he will tease and flirt I think to test me out or feel me out.
My H is too full of pride for me to tell him in those words "I know you need me real bad". I can't talk to him like that b/c he will get defensive & say he can get sex anythime w/OW. An example of his pride is one time when I was truly detaching and he really though there was another man in my life,he told me 3 times he loves me & I did not respond & then he proceded to leave and added " I miss you & the girls but you not as much.
This is when he started to come by the house a lot & he would find me dresse and reay to go out. I would still leave him even though he expected me to drop my plans for him.
Damn!!! I really need to go back to that woman!!!

[Yoyowife]

Theo,
Thanks for the kind words. I forgot to tell you. I also have some major plans for my bedroom. I'm going to repaint and get new bedding. Out with the old and in with the new. That is very uncharacteristic for me. I used to rely on him to help me with things like that. It may take me longer, but it will get done.