Schools Out for the Summer!

[galing]

Shoe, Kat, HS: Thanks for the support.

Just had counseling which was helpful today. So, want to reflect on some of what I've learned in the past year regarding what I need and want from my life and a spouse and what I'm learning about myself. Need to just get some of those thoughts down.

1) I like being a social person and having people at my house and entertaining and making new friends. I'm meeting a lot of new people and that feels good. I believe that is happening for a few different reasons 1) I'm putting myself out there, 2) I'm willing to share of myself and my life with others which opens them up to share back and create a bond, 3) I think I really have a good energy about me (I'm outgoing, and positive and fun) and that is attracting others.
2) I like to give advice or share what I've learned with my friends when they ask and we are talking about marriage. It makes me feel good and I do that with humor.
3) I have a good sense of humor. Through all of this, I laugh often, even when I'm in some of my deepest moments of heartache, I can find a way to laugh at myself or the situation.
4) I have some specific needs that weren't met in my marriage that I wish to have met in a future relationship. 1) Acts of Service is huge for me, 2) Spending time with a man communicating about future plans, feelings, wants, desires, and just being able to debate and talk about life is big for me, 3) Affirming words and touch.
5) I'm aware that I speak a different love language than others and I want a partner who knows what his needs are and can communicate them, and then I know I will meet them because to love someone means meeting their needs and making them feel loved in the way that they need, not the way that I think I need.
6) I didn't have a work/life balance in my life previously, I need to have that and want that and now have that. Marriage comes first and people come first.
7) I'm really hard on myself and second guess myself a lot, especially in the current situation. I need to be confident in the fact that I know what I need and deserve and not accept any less than that. If someone else isn't willing to meet those needs, it isn't because what I'm asking for is controlling, but rather because the other person has a view of it as controlling due to their own issues and really what I'm communicating are my needs and if they don't wish to meet them, that is about they don't want to show me love which I can't change. I think often in our relationship, I was told I was controlling when in fact, it was that I was communicating what I needed and my husband simply wasn't willing to fulfill those needs to do his own issues of seeing life through that control lense for whatever reason or due to whatever. I know I need to learn how to communicate my needs better though and will continue to work on that so they don't come off as demands, or ultimatums but rather as what I need to be feel loved.
8) (This one I am still struggling with because I tend to take on a lot of blame) This isn't my fault. Yes, I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage and I made mistakes. But in the end, I was willing to come back to the table, forgive and be forgiven, see what we both did wrong, wipe that away, and start fresh and meet his needs and communicate my own. He wasn't willing or able to do that and I can't control that or change it. In the end, marriage should be about a lasting committment and two people being willing to work on it together and that does take two people, not one.
9) Marriage is a lot of work. Should I be blessed with it again, I want my partner to be committed to working on it forever by going to retreats with me, reading books with me, finding a spiritual foundation together, etc. I won't accept less than that because those are my needs to feel loved and respected and like I'm giving it a true chance to be great. If someone loves me, I believe they will be willing to participate in those activities with me and will bring their own list of needs to the table that I will meet.
10) I am a really responsible young woman when it comes to my finances and how I prepared both my husband and I for our current financial situation. This is going to be hard financially but thank God I made sure we saved while we were young so we'll both have something to lean on for a while.
11) I have some body issue problems. I've gone from a size 8 to a 4. I look in the mirror right now and I still at times see that 8. I looked fine before but losing the weight was good for me and I do look better now. However, there are times when I still see that 8 and hear my H telling me I'm overweight and wondering if someone won't love me if I gain weight to the point that I am thinking about it too much, at times and to the point where I don't always realize how small I am now until I try on clothes and see the sizes written in them. It isn't a huge issue but something I'm congnicent of right now and will be talking to my therapist about to make sure it doesn't become any kind of issue even in the slightest manner.
12) I tend to take on other people's problems and try to fix them, like with my brother, to the point where I can enable them by just listening and not saying anything or by trying to help too much. I have to at times, put myself first and I am doing that for the first time for myself in a long time. I think this will be important to remember especially when I'm a mom myself someday. I can't control others, and I've learned great lessons from dbing regarding letting go of that control and letting others fail or succeed on their own.
13) I am a bit afraid of conflict. I'm not assertive enough at times or confident enough in my thoughts/opinions and I need to really own up and be true to myself and state my feelings and then be okay with the fact that others may not like what I said.
14) I'm a great teacher and I love my job.
15) I want a better relationship with my mom and I need to work on that. I need to realize I won't get her approval in my life and accept that and just love her.
16) I think it's important to always have personal goals in life and actions for how to meet those. Once I reach those goals, I need to set new ones and continuing growing and changing and living.
17) I think it's important to be grateful and set aside time everyday to give thanks for what I have in my life through prayer, a gratitude jar, or just thought.
18) Being physically active is important to me and good for me socially and physically. I love yoga and volleyball.

There are many other things.... those are just a few that came to mind that I felt like jotting down while in a moment.