wow, I don't know if I could handle the ML in that way. Frankly, if the genders were reversed we'd all be calling her a bum and tell you to cut her off....that has to be difficult. If she is satisfied with the ml, (you know, umm, if she is "getting hers" so to speak...) do you think it is just for that? Otherwise, she's wanting some intimacy without having to make the emotional commitment. But it is insensitive of her, to say the least. I don't even know how you can do it this way, (well, I do know how, but you get the point). Have you told her how it makes YOU feel? Like I said, consider the roles/genders being reversed and ask her how she'd feel if you just wanted to get off with her, and not have to look, kiss or talk to her...she'd feel like a whore. Ouch...(Guys can be different, I realize. But the brother I'm closest to, expressed a similar emotion to me and he didn't like feeling like an unpaid gigolo. He said it'd be different if he met her in a bar, but she is his wife for God's sake. Of course you're confused.
But as I recall, --she has given you several verbal cues about you coming back or her joining you and somehow the family being together again. So of course you are confused. Have there been any physical signals from her towards you? You know, I don't hear much about any OM which does ease my mind/heart some for you, but, she sounds soooooo text book MLC menopausal, you'd think she'd realize this with her medical background. Has she ever once considered the possibility that at least some of her behavior is different and might be influenced by hormones? Her financial concerns are interesting to me too. My h has two medical degrees and knows math just fine, yet makes what I consider to be fear based, and ignorant, financial choices. Like your wife, my h is in a constant state of struggle, or want or lack, "always striving and never arriving" and at one point, described one particular account we had as having "nothing in it, literally." Well, it wasn't a whole lot and it was just one account, but he knew we had 75k in it and he sat there and stated point blank in a c session that it had "nothing, zero" in it. That's weird. Similarly, there was a time we both felt that saving a certain specific amount would be our goal, not counting our home. Suddenly and UNBEKNOWNST to me, his "financial security" number, the amount of money it'd take for HIM to feel safe and secure is now much higher than mine and his number changed a lot. I do base mine on actual empirical data....i don't know where h got his number, but what gets me is that WE never discussed it. I'm sure you relate. It'd have been the mature thing to sit down and say what fears we each have, what goals and the steps to take to get there...like adults...Sheesh. Hey maybe we'll win the lottery...THEN they'd be happy...or would they? Would we?
You know, making the salary I mentioned to you up there, does make my self esteem go up and THAT bugs me...isn't that weird? I mean, it's as if I'm letting h's weirdo views of money and our worth as people, affect ME and MY views. kwim?
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You know, making the salary I mentioned to you up there, does make my self esteem go up and THAT bugs me...isn't that weird? I mean, it's as if I'm letting h's weirdo views of money and our worth as people, affect ME and MY views. kwim?
Well, I don't know how much of that you can blame on H. You're living in a society where how much you make figures into your status as a human being somehow. It's not right, per se, but your H doesn't own that trip.
I sure know how you feel though. Making so little is a blow to my self-esteem. I'm highly educated, I have all kinds of worldly, life experience, I'm not stupid, and darn creative...but I make dirt and I depend of my H's generousity to keep S and I living the lifestyle we have become accustomed to. I should be making twice as much, atleast. And if I was, I know it would be a significant stroke to my self-esteem.
Thanks for the comments j, lots went on over her last 5 day visit which ended today, her and the kids flew out today, I'm supposed to drive to pick up the kids at the end of the month.
ML-wise, she ought to be satisfied since it is exactly how she wants it and nothing else. I think it is just out of guilt or to appese me or pity. Sex is what set off the bomb, I finally called her out and said I need passion from her and she was totally unaffectionate and it was a take or leave it and hurry up and get it over with attitude from her. I said I felt like my sex life was over at 38. That night she came to my bed, shoved my head between her legs and said if I have to have sex then I'm getting what I want and suddenly it was 2-3 times a day, but a very ridge set of rules about here is she wants, how she wants it and that is it, with some minor tightening of the rules to keep me frustrated no doubt. That tapered to an avg of once a day over her visits to once during a visit and seemingly more under duress and where she'd kiss a little, it was zero.
My wife added a few new comments over the weekend during our all out everything and the kitchen sink R talks. She told me she isn't physically attracted to me and hasn't been for a long time, "didn't I notice that she wasn't jumping into bed with me." Also she doesn't "want to spread her legs for anyone" and it "done with me and done with men." She told me she is starting her "year of patience" which in her religion means, seperating, no sex and trying to reconcile for a year, if that doesn't work then she'll be given a divorce by her religion. I asked her what reconciling she is going to do and she said that she want me to leave her alone and "she is going to pray." She is done with counselors and bailed (again) during her visit after saying she'd go to MC.
OM-wise, she seems to have a lot of signs, even seems like during the initial bomb and a couple times since that she wanted me to accuse her of it, but I resisted going there. Somewhat because I think falsely accusing her would be a huge problem and somewhat because I'm not sure I could handle if she has been unfaithful. She has been by only sex partner and physical intimacy is very meaningful to be, I've always thought in the back of my head that if she was ever unfaithful that "I'd be done." After all of this crap and reading everything I can and learning about my unconditional love for her, now I'm uncertain either way about what my feelings are/would be about her being unfaithful. I found a txt msg to a male coworker that I suspect of being an OM and confronted her on it, she didn't act guilty, didn't even seem very upset that I'd snooped on her phone, but I was livid and completely done at that point, went so far as to make a list of how I wanted to split things up. Luckily I didn't tell her I was done or about my list, but I have no snooping desire after that, I don't want to know, maybe I just hope if there is an OM that I'm strong enough to handle it by the time it comes out. She has told me many times that she wants to "date other men" and I did ask her if she was doing that at one point and she sheepishly looked down and said "I want to clean up this mess first" and another time she said that she was pushing so hard for a divorce so that she could date other men, meaning she needed a divorce to do so. Doesn't mean she hasn't been dating, screwing, who knows what, she has every opportunity to do anything she wants and her morals and values seem so mixed up that it seems like anything goes at this point. She made a comment once about "feeling like this is her last hurrah and she needs to go sow her wild oats..." plus had mentioned more than once how many women her brother has slept with and remained married almost like it was a justification of something...
I'm actually doing great, feel better than pre-bomb amazingly enough. If you have the desire to read the longest post in history just look at my thread for all the details.
How is your summer going? Any date for starting your job and the move and what not? I'm sure the $ part of your new job boosts yourself esteem by validating that you can take care of yourself, your kids if it comes to that, plus in your husband's terms and priorities it makes you able to "measure up" maybe or something along one or some of those lines. I know my wife seems to love to tell me that she has always made more money than her (even tho' I beat her one year by a couple bucks) and when we initially moved to this new town she was going to quit her job "when I made more money than her" and obviously it is all my fault that I've never been successful enough to buy her way home, right? I can't afford to buy her love and shouldn't have to, 'eh... Seems like workaholics measure everyone by "what they do" and "how much it pays" instead of what is really important.
cannot write much now as it's the week of prom/graduation/relatives staying--some of whom I love--fil and his wife will be here tomorrow and they're the only ones on H's side to have stayed in contact while we were sep. (H is still here and will be for the celebration, leaves next week and we hop around this summer until the real move in August). MIL called the other day, but the phone was more than a foot away and when i saw her name on caller ID, I suddenly felt a pain in my arm, which prevented me from answering it....Oh and btw, MIL wrote to our daughter about graduation, enclosed a big check (500$) and said she wished she could see d18 more......how about flying out you idiot? Oh no wait, just send money b/c THAT'S LOVE/THAT'S SUPPORT and I wonder sometimes if that isn't where H got some of his weird values. But oddly, at our wedding, his dad flew out with his wife (that would be wife #2) and made an aside comment about wishing his own father had come to his wedding, rather than sending a check....so, fil IS a better man than his own dad and I say that for many reasons, and H is trying. But when you see a senior citizen who really ought to have learned SOMETHING from never having a single successful R with a man, (ie my mil) STILL being stupid in her R's with her only grand-kids, sometimes I want to shake her and say what are you waiting for?!?
Back to earth. Things are pretty good with H and I. Some friction with the kids is settling down but the time as a family unit is almost over as the relatives arrival will change the dynamics, probably making them superficial but pleasant, I hope...
Got a vague job offer HERE in LA yesterday. Very exciting, from a semi-celebrity. Actually a director/acting coach who just won an award here, so her fame is escalating. We've been friends for 5 years but the thing is, even though we're very close in some ways and I do see her as successful, she has always been a bit of a pleasant, lovable...taker. KWIM? For instance, I saw a woman (L) do a short film on a topic and K- loved it. Said she wanted to make it a full feature so my friend L said, "great, let's do it." Both worked very hard on it and when it came out, (mind you, L wrote the original short story and film) K- was THE director and Producer and L was the associate producer.....L told me "Hey, it wouldn't have gotten done without K"s power/influence...etc." BUT to hear K talk now, it's as if it was always her idea/film and I was there when L introduced it to K....just kind of weird.
Also I attended a comedy class long ago, BEfORE I met K at all, and signed on with the well known comedy agent/writer who WROTE the book/gave the seminar....K knows her as well. SO now, K mentions frequently how she introduced us and the comic mentioned that and passed on thanks to K through me, anyhow, I digress.
Gotta go, H is home, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good to hear things are looking up j. Hope all goes well with your events and relatives visiting. My own father won't visit any of his kids (well he has driven a couple hours to see my younger sister, but only for an event he wanted to attend at her house). He wouldn't drive 3 hrs to visit my family in the 5 yrs we lived away from him, he drove to the town we lived in and spent the night in a hotel on his way to a golf tourney tho'.
Anyhow... What kind of job offer? Sounds like she likes to take credit, some people are certainly like that, whether by personality or purposely I don't know.
