Wow I wish I had a good friend to hug and cry to this morning.
Last night W and I had a R talk. I wanted to hear a little more from her, since I was the more talkative one the night before. That we did. W talked about her counselor who was telling her that she had to define her boundaries and stick to them. (W had spent an extra 30 - 45 minutes at C on Monday) I asked for an example. She used a workplace analogy that didn't make sense. Then W said it would be tough for me to hear but OM was having "a difficult time." She went on to say that the R with OM was much more than just a fling.
I told her that I appreciated the honesty. Said it was difficult to hear, but if we were to move forward there would have to be a basis of trust and honesty.
So I digested what she said. OM having a difficult time and W not being able to define boundaries = her still talking to OM (End to PA/EA one of my prerequisites for moving forward.) More than just a fling = EA/PA going on for much longer than I had originally thought. Those are both huge blows.
It has me searching my feelings. I could not sleep again last night. I am very glad I have counseling this afternoon. Today I find myself revisiting, W's attitudes and behaviours over the past few years to try and make sense, and put a timeline to this.
Once again today I find myself feeling devalued as a person. I am going to force myself to move forward with the GAL program, and continue to do good things for myself.
I thought one of the things I would do, is try and buy a CD today, if I can find one I like.
