NikkiB #16

[NikB]

CK, Donna, ST, Oldtimer, Ourcrisis, jak - thank you!!

Lots of great points that you all make.

CK
You know I think you're right, we start having too many expectations. I think for me it was made worse (in a backwards way) by that really good 6 weeks or so that we had there before this. It reminded me of what we had at one time. Maybe it reminded H too and wasn't enough, or scared him that maybe it WAS enough, or... who knows.

Donna
I do have Xanax and hadn't taken it in months, but time to break it out again it looks like. I hate to do it but I'm not succeeding at getting myself through these attacks, and they're not doing me any good. And while the comforting from H is nice, they're not doing him any good either. I can these attacks are not ok, and I'm not succeeding at getting myself through them. During the day I can feel it coming and fight it off, but these keep happening at night. At least I only had one last night. They always start around 3-4 AM... maybe I set the alarm for 2:30 and take one then.

ST
Yeah I really didn't see it coming, either. And true - I'm glad he talked to me. He didn't mention IC, but did mention MC again - I think I'll go with the suggestion not to bring it up again though. At most I may make an appointment for myself (cause I could use it too) and let H know about it in case he wants to go. GAL... PMA... back to basics. You're right.

Oldtimer
Thanks. The cut back in GALing in a lot of ways was related to outside things that happened (dog's teeth/recovery, dad's heart attack/surgery/recovery). So I'm getting back to that now that things have calmed down - but you are right, I became WAY too focused on H.

I appreciate all the suggestions. I guess I've gotten better at this stuff on some level because most of what you said sounded "right" to me - as opposed to early on when every suggestion here sounds like "What? That can't be right!" If that makes sense. With one exception.. somehow the doing nothing feels like more of the same.. now that he opened up to me, not talking about it, ignoring his emotions feels like falling back into a very bad pattern. So I think I'll go with your first list of suggestions, for now.

I do have a couple of questions on your suggestions:

-- inquire about how he feels like he is giving up on himself. LISTEN. Ask if there is any way you can get out of his way or otherwise help

I am really glad to hear you say it's OK to ask more about this, because I wanted to but felt unsure if it was ok. I remembered more of our phone convo after and I did ask him to tell me if there's "anything I can do, or not do, to help."

-- give him permission to try in your M and not be a bad guy if he leaves anyway

I do see that this is important, but I'm struggling with the "how" of it. How do I say this without sounding like I am pushing him out? And yeah.. he won't be a bad guy, but it WILL hurt me badly. Should I be honest about that or just not talk about it?

Also how do I say it that "try" doesn't just mean "show up"?? It's ok for now but long term, I'm not OK with being the "easier" solution and that's all. I deserve better (and so does he). So maybe I answered my own question and I don't need to say that second part now.. but could still use help with the first part.

Ourcrisis
Yes - he left and came back. And I think you're right - he keeps reassuring me he's not going anywhere while at the same time saying he gave up on himself. So yeah, I think guilt or "how can I leave AGAIN" is part of it. I like your ideas as well, back way off in terms of my focus on him, but keep building the positives too.

jak
Back to basics... thanks. I don't even know if space is what he needs, but I see now that I need to focus less on him and our M for now.

And lots of you had a couple of the same suggestions so I replied here...

On the giving up on himself - I'm glad so many of you felt it was OK to ask him more about this. I wanted to but I always feel I'm on the border of overdoing the questions. I will ask about this when the time seems right.

About the PW/OW, yes, I do think there's influence there. I don't know if it's initiated on H's side or hers, so it's kind of a "chicken and egg" thing (did he start feeling this way and then contact resumed? or did they resume contact and she's influencing him again?). But looking at the timeline... the distance I began feeling started almost simultaneously with them re-starting the frequent contact. Clearly I have no control over this, but just wanted to mention it since you guys brought it up.

About the MC, self help books, etc. I think I may leave 5LL out on the coffee table, but that's about it. I bought the audio version to listen to in the car. H is mildly dyslexic and really hates to read (gives him a horrible headache), so at least it's in a format he might like if he decides to listen to it. I will most likely go to the MC myself and let him know I'm going (not ask him to go, just let him know and he's welcome if he decides to go).

Thanks again all. Feeling a bit calmer today and like I'm starting to develop a plan.

I may try to get away somewhere for part of the weekend. With Sunday being Father's day I can't really go away all weekend, but agree I need some "me" time.