I was going to say I don't think shame is necessary to make someone repentant. But you know - it IS necessary. However, I believe they have to feel it on their own. I don't think you can force it......
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
W and I will definately have that talk together. We will present this whole situation to our kids together. She will have to think through what and how she wants this told, as will I. Previously, she said she didn't care who knew, well, now the time is fast approaching and she's going to have to deal with the real thing. I have told her that I will not be exposing her to anyone who doesn't already know, as we work in the same field and I would never do anything to cause her professional problems. But, yes, her family back in China are all evangelical Christians so she's gonna have to figure out what to tell them! I do know that I will NOT shame her, I believe she can do that well enough on her own without my help! I also happen to believe it is not right nor useful to shame others.
KS, knowing that I've always tried to do the right thing (maybe not always being successful but trying anyway)has been a major coping mechanism for me. Once you start down that slippery slope of getting even, making her pay, shaming etc. you lose that "being the bigger person" and then you really have nothing at all. I don't mean feeling superior to the other person but just feeling the good that comes from doing what is right. Self respect is something noone can take from you but it's something you can very easily just give away! We each have that choice.
I agree with you, WII (and I know that taking the high road and doing the right thing is the best for us, from my own bitter experience). Also, shaming someone forces them to try and prove themselves right, and so that just holds them back from progressing forward. We all know when we have done wrong, and seldom need to be reminded, and we all have to choose our own right time to repent.
Well done, WII! Your children know that you will always be honourable, and you can't ask for much more than that.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm committed to the highroad but I do have this one remaining fantasy, just one time I'd like to look OW in the face and say "burn in Hell, you b!tch" I guess it's always good to keep our dreams alive
I'm thinking about new beginnings today. I have no doubts that in the coming months I will be separated. I have no fantasies otherwise! It's so strange to think of not being married to my W. It's something I never contemplated happening, ever. When we first married, we went through Hell (immigration matters, limited time to make decision etc.) and we made it through. I always thought "If we can make it through that then we can handle anything together, nothing can separate us, we're meant to be" Yes, I really believed that (and W says I'm not a romantic!). So almost 18 years later the fairy tale is ending. It's difficult. A friend of mine said " Whatis, in 18 years you have never even looked at another woman, your W has been everything to you" (Well, I have looked...I'm human!) It's so true, my W has been my pride and joy, the person I have adored. It just amazes me that she hasn't seen this yet to everyone else it is so obvious. Actually, I remember her coming home and complaining because her female co-workers would go on about her "great" husband, how lucky she was etc. She said "Noone talks about all the wonderful things I do, I hold a stressful full time job, go to school, take care of my kids, sweep the floor...all I hear about is my great H" and I replied "I tell people what you do all the time!". It's sad, all she can seem to remember are the ways I let her down or wasn't there for her (again, I'm human). When I look at starting over again, I have no idea how to do it. Being single, alone...it's all brand new. I keep thinking "all I want is my W and family again" but that's done, finished, over. I go to coffee with someone and still think "was that right, should I have done that" Wow. It's like going on a trip and forgetting the map! Well, enough babbling for one morning. I know that wherever this trip takes me, I can make it for the best. Sadly, I don't even have to line up to buy a ticket for this trip!
you know WII - I'm so sorry you're here. Struggling. One thing that struck me when reading your post was my H said the same thing. Everyone he worked with knew how much he loved me. But he wasn't showing me.
Talked to a friend yesterday and we talked about jealousy and going out, etc. I told her that he took advantage of the fact that I wasn't jealous. I was ok with him going out from time to time - we all need that. But he took advantage of it.....
....Understand, that I can't, not be what I am I'm not the milk, and Cheerios in your spoon ~ Avril Lavigne ~ ..."Nobody's Fool"...
KS, my W did the same thing, and that is partially my fault. Because she had plans for her career and lots of activities, I always arranged my life around it. That was dumb! More and more she expected more cake but wasn't willing to give any in return. I was way to accepting of her, flaws and all. I listened endlessely to her problems and probably should have said "shut the f@ck up and do something about it!" once in a while. Honestly, I think what she needed was beyond the capabilities or any normal person. She wanted someone whose whole life surrounded her emotions and although I did so much for her I couldn't take care of all my responsibilities (a great deal of which were things to make her life easier) and hang on to her every word, every minute of the day. She wanted way too much. When I asked her to help me to be better at meeting her needs her reply was "If I need to help you then you just can't do it"! Nutty! My needs and stresses where never of interest to her in the last few years. As her stress level got higher and she took on more and more her ability to give was nil but her need to get was insatiable. I always thought "once she's done with school or this work project etc we'll be able to work on things" Guess what, those times never ended but became a way of life. But I carried on anyway trying to do better, trying to be loyal, trying to re-build our M, but I did so alone. I've honestly done everything I could and, as I've said before, I've never contemplated giving up, I was going to be the last man standing. So, this is a major shift for me, but one that had to happen. New beginnings...just part of life, I guess. I just wanted to add that Divorce Busting put me back on the road to a healthier me! In the past two years I have put a life together for myself that is happy and fulfilling,regardless of my W and her actions. I have always told my friends,when they say "How do get up every morning and face the day?", that "I have made myself a happy person"...DB has given me the map I needed to get through whatever comes my way now. I gave my W a new and better me, she doesn't want it, fair enough but I'm still a damn sight better than the man of a few years ago. So, that's it for the DB testimonial for today, where's my cheque Michelle!
exactly. I'm proud!
