Yeah, for you!!! I'm glad you're seriously thinking of writing again!! That would be a HUGE accomplishment!! Good luck!!

Me? I WAY screwed up yesterday. Things had been going so well. Monday the boys asked about our beach trip. I said "what beach trip?" and that I didn't know if we'd have one this year.

So yesterday morning, DH says he'll (finally) take the rest of the week of the 4th off. (I've been asking for months... even before he left.) Plus remember, he said he didn't know if he could spend even 4 days with me? I had already taken the entire week from night job. So he IMs me and says it's too late. That week is blocked. I said I've been telling you for blah blah blah. He says do it anyway and he'll just come home early (his escape plan all along probably) and I said no, I wanted to spend the 4th as a family. Things went downhill from there. WAY downhill.

I was already disappointed and down about that. Really rather pissed off in a "screw it" mood.

The boys started fighting. I tried calming things down with them and all 3 of them were getting involved and as usual 13yo hurt 7yo and I went O.F.F.!!!! I slammed the back door... I yelled... I threw things... then I left. I was FURIOUS. I have had this crap up to here!!

So I'm ready to stay at a hotel for the night and not contact ANYONE. Instead I go to the main library to see if they have different magazines and music. I get a couple of movies for the boys since I'm working 4 nights this week and I go home.

13yo of course won't talk to me. 7yo won't let go of me. 16yo hardly comes out of his room on a good day. I try talking to 13yo to no avail. Then 7yo and I sit down to watch Home Alone when lo and behold who comes home HOURS early? DH!

"How's everything?"
"Fine"
"Okay"
"You're sure home early"

and it went from there... he got the boys and they got in the car so he could take them to dinner. You know I can have a smart mouth, so I said that's great.. take them to dinner and reward them for their behavior. He said it wasn't a reward, it was to give me a break. Did I want to talk? What was the trigger? Now this sounds all serene and thoughtful on "paper", but it wasn't. I start crying I don't know what anyone wants from me... do they want me out? Is that it? (Cuz seriously, I'm thinking at that moment that I am failing at everything!!) Of course he leaves. It's so not fair that he gets to run away every single time. Where do I have to do? The library for a few hours? Ha!!

So then I get destructive. I throw away mementos from anniversaries and our wedding (Precious Moments plates)... glasses from our cruises... took all the pictures down of us... with him. I put those in the boys rooms. Then I emptied his keg. I had this thing in our hallway upstairs that I made... they were "altered" letters spelling FAMILY. They had beautiful paper on them, ribbon, frames and pictures of family moments. Tore the pictures off (and put them away) and threw the other stuff out. Oh, since I emptied his keg, I threw away a couple of his beer glasses. When I say throw away... I mean go out on the deck and throw the crap as far as I could. The plates didn't break and you could see them, so I had to go get them and throw them deeper in the woods. I calmed down after that and cleaned up.

I knew the chicken$h!t wouldn't be back until after I left for work over 2 1/2 hours after he got the boys. So I texted him about 1/2 an hour after I got to work and said "thank you" and he said "4?" and I sent a laughing guy back. What an asshat. I thought he was taking the boys to give me space? So I asked if I could call him later and he said yes. Since I obviously need to go dark for both me and him, I needed to clear the air.

So I called. He said the boys described it as a meltdown. He said he didn't know, cuz he wasn't there today. I said "today? you're NEVER there". I said 99% of the time, I handle things really well!!! He said something like he knew what would fix it (implying coming home). I avoided that. And when it comes time, it will be on MY terms... when *I'm* ready!! Oh and he said something like that would not happen if he was here because I'm a pushover. He said "D, you can't throw things"... I said "ya think".

7yo needs to constantly be entertained. The one time he's doing it for himself and both big brothers come in an start trouble. He was playing XBox 360 which is way too hard for him. Trust me, I am () this close to going to buy a Wii that is more family/kid friendly. () this close!!! I told DH I'd find something to do to keep 7yo out of the house all day today. Thing is? There is NOTHING in this friggin state to do!!!! We're HOURS from the beach... HOURS from Charlotte and Atlanta and even Asheville, NC. HOURS from the state capital. It's like no mans land, I swear. (Coming from San Diego where there were TONS of things to keep kids busy, this sucks.)

Oh yeah and now DH wants to go to the beach by himself. Maybe I can do the same. My work schedule does not permit it... working 4 nights this week including Saturday night. I told him I had given up on the idea of me going to the beach alone because we can't do it financially. Once I get a full time job and really contribute something, maybe, but who knows when that will be.

Anyway, we left it civil... civil as the sitch allowed. I did tell him at the end, the thank you meant for coming and taking the kids. (That was actually me conceding cuz I still felt it was unfair to me and wrong for him to just swoop down and make things better when it should have been me to do the fixing.) He said you're welcome.

I need that song "Bad Day".

By the time I work up this morning (cuz I get off at 1 am), DH had already dropped off 7yo. DH is going out with friends tonight and I work again from 9 to 1, so I shouldn't have a problem staying dark for a while. I need it and he probably wants it. I hate this.