So i never sent the email to my wife. I still feel the same way though, however with less complicated emotions. I feel a lot more clarity and inner strength.
This weekend has been a cleansing one for me. Saturday I woke up to my wife being a real b***h and in my anger I was done with the whole situation. However I was able to bite my tongue and sit back and make it through the day, (luckily I went out for drinks with a friend at night so it was easier for me to escape without a major blowout/R talk). Hell, on my way out the door, my wife looked at me angrily and said "we need to talk".
Then today, my wife is super nice. Friendly, happy, etc. No talk.
Dealing with both poles I realized for myself that this is not about me. It really never was. This is my wife trying to get the 'in love' feeling to fill some emptiness she is feeling right now. I don't know if her feelings will ever change, or what exactly is going on in her head, But i am not going to ride this rollercoaster.
I also decided not to drive the rollercoaster either, (which is what my email would have done). I am going to listen to my wife and if she says she wants seperation, i'll give her what she wants by renting a house and moving out.
Calmly I can do whats right for me, without trying to control my wifes decisions. As the LBS we really never had any control to change our spouses minds, but we try and then try and then try some more. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing, i feel like its part of the journey and part of the process. Knowing that we did everything we could, even if most of what we did was actually harming the relationship. However now that I can honestly say that, i realize that all you can do is be respectful of yourself, respectful of your family, and respectful of your spouse, and let them work through this on their own.
I am waiting to hear back from a realtor about a house I saw that isn't selling. Since its been on the market for a while the builder is seriously considering renting it out. Which would be perfect for me and the girls, Its a little smaller than ours now, but its in a great neighborhood, nice yard, nice layout (girls room would be right next to mine), etc..
I have two sets of fingers crossed: 1 for a major turnaround in where my situation is headed, and 2 if that doesn't pan out - then for this house to become available for me.
----------------------- Me: 30 WAW: 35 Married: 7 years SD: 15 D: 6 D: 4 'I'm Unhappy': 8/15/2006 'I want to seperate & see OM': 3/31/2007 Currently living seperated under the same roof.
Next, That would be great to get the house, and brand new one at that, if it comes to a separation. A new house, a new beginning. You are right that you will have to let her work through her own problems. You are doing a good job on concentrating on what is best for you and your daughters. Right now there is no reasoning with the WAS as hard as we try, we have to work on ourselves and prepare for whatever comes our way and pray for the best.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Personally, I would tell her that until you have split the money she needs to stop bringing you these 'can I get this house!? I love it' requests because this is not your problem.
You're not her friend. You can tell her that you won't be friends because it is unrealistic. You'll be friendly and coordial, but she has forfeited her privileges as 'wife' and 'friend'.
That's reality. Tell her she needs to go rent an apt until you have settled the finances and to STOP telling you about houses she 'just loves'. Tell her this isn't what you want, but you realize that there is nothing left here and you need to move forward with your own life and are not responsible or willing to deal with HER life.
Be a man on this one. She needs to get the reality that you are not there to enable her fantasies.
I realize i've been too giving in all of this. It is unrealistic for her to expect a friend/partner of me, when she has been clear in saying she no longer wants to be married to me.
Marriage is a partnership, so no marriage, no partners. What we are is parents. I feel like I can only now be clear with myself and her, and unemotionally state that we are parents, but not partners.
The hardest part of all of this is that we still live together. It is hard to seperate the emotions, and move forward with my own life when our situation is what it is. It is hard to draw boundaries around our relationship without it causing tension.
Also when she is happy/friendly, i find myself relaxing into our old relationship - almost forgetting the fact that she is leaving our marriage.
Since we still 'co-parent' weekends are the hardest for me to detach. And I guess she has the same problem, she really is living the best of both worlds, and i'm enabling it. She gets me as a partner, and she gets to fall in love. I am not willing to be a 'partner' unless it truly is a 'partnership'.
I am hoping our second family therapy session on Wed allows me the opportunity to outline some boundaries until our living situation changes. I'd like to agree on some parenting split (4 days on/off, or 1 week on/off) and then start living that split even partially even though we still live in the house. Is anyone doing this now? Any ideas of what kinds of boundaries make sense? I was thinking: Days i don't have the kids, i can go out, days i have the kids she can go out. The hard part is if we are in the same house, it feels unnatural for me to 'go to the basement' on my days off while they play outside, watch tv, or eat dinner. So detachment is almost impossible.
I am currently spliting weekends with my wife. I have the girls and make plans for them one weekend and she has them the next weekend. During the week my W has been working a lot, I have our girls. When she is not working we co-parent. It is hard when we are together because she is so cold and distant. Then again when we are home together she makes up an excuse to get out of the house, I get our girls. I have been lucky with having the large amount of time with my girls like I have. It is going to be hard not seeing them like this in the future.
So i had lunch with a friend yesterday who is leaving his wife. He has been unhappy for some time and didn't feel his wife was meeting his needs for physical affection. So there we are talking from two perspectives, the WAH, and the LBS. It was a very interesting conversation, and it was very helpful to me to hear the perspective of someone walking away.
A couple of things that i felt:
1. He was very sincere in the fact he cared for his wife immensely, just couldn't be unhappy any longer.
At the same time while he may say he does, he really doesn't take any responsibility for the problems in the marriage. It's easier to say his wife is different, can't change, and that this has always been a problem in the relationship.
2. There is OW. There always is. And of course when asked - it's not the reason for his wanting out. However i was able to gather that he was feeling unloved, and he felt an emotional connection elsewhere, and it felt right, and that it really does play a large part in this.
3. He is never 100% sure he is doing the right thing. He may be 99% sure, but he is always watching for something to change his mind. He also said when he first opened up to her he was 90% sure, and the way she reacted solidified his resolve.
The other interesting thing from the conversation is that he described exactly what the DR books say.
1. When he started to say how unhappy he was, he watched his wife try to change, but he felt the changes were all fake, it made him angry and more resentful. He said he felt like 'why couldn't you do this years ago, its too late now', and he felt like it was manipulative of her and not a loving act. 2. He feels she is really helpless right now, and while he feels guilt and sad for her and wishes her the best, the neediness almost repulses him. Its a major turnoff from the relationship. 3. He doesn't want to hear the reasons why they are good together, good memories, or reasons why they should stay together.
SO WHAT DID I LEARN? 1. This is hard on my WAW too, she really felt some serious unhappyness, yet she is confused. Its not easy to ask for a divorce, and the doubts are always there. 2. The little voice in her head that says 'this is a mistake' is always there, sometimes its louder than others. 3. By accepting the situation, living my life and making decisions to make myself happy that voice in her head keeps getting louder, i keep moving the slider from '99% sure' to '95% sure' and that reversal in trend adds to the doubt. 4. The less i say about the relationship, and live my life the more attractive i look to her.
I see what you learned from this freind, but my question is if they see our neediness or cliginess as repulsive, how come it is OK for their GF/BF to be needy? I am still waiting for my H to get bored or tired of his OW clinginess!! A times I see where she is holding on to dear life when he wants toa tten our family functions (she cut short her out of town trip b/c of our daughter's recital)...i could be assuming ,but...
I am proud to say since 9/06 I had not broke down on H until last weekend. I think like everyone else he is a little stand offish now, but in away I felt it was needed b/c he said he will have alot to think about on his upcoming bus. trip tomorrow.
chicki, all i can say is your H's GFs neediness is a good thing for you.
I've heard that for a lot of WAS the polorization of a needy OW/OM and a self-confident LBS is a positive for the case of reconcilation. She is holding on for dear life because she can see he is confused and torn.
So I have another family therapy session scheduled for tommorow with my wife. Last session, the therapist ended the session with asking my wife to think about working on the marriage. Since my wife hasn't given any indication of wanting to do that, this session is supposed to be us talking about logistics of seperation for the kids. I am going to push for a 4 day split. I think the girls are too little for 1 week on 1 week off. Or maybe i'll just miss them too much. I don't know.
I guess i'm tired. I know tommorow is going to be a hard day. I am going to do my best to stay 'grey' in the therapy session, as much as it hurts I am going to try to stay focused and positive in my desires to make this the best for my kids, without talking about the relationship or my desire to make it work.
This week has been hard. My wife has been super friendly towards me, and i'm not sure what to take from it. I know she is confused right now, but I am torn between enjoying the time together, and feeling like she is getting her cake and eating it too.
Oh well. I guess we'll be seperated soon enough, and then the story changes.
Next, Thanks for sharing your friend's perspective with us.
You are doing the right thing concentrating on you and the girls. We can only work on ourselves and you doing that. Enjoy those babies. They can bring us lot of love and comfort, knowing that they love us unconditionally and depend on us.
Take care, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
