I took a break, but I'm ready to do the hard work now (to feel good about me!)and I need your help!
Here is my story:
Married 30 years ("non anniversary" yesterday) One D16 H had on/off again affair(EA??) for 3 plus years (we lived together the whole time). He was always honest about it. July 2006 he asked me for a D July/Aug 2006 worked with divorce mediator. H moved out. Sept 2006 H said he changed his mind Mid April 2007 changed his mind again: H said he needed "space" (moved to our new boat---I thought it was the new hobby that would bring the joy back to our marriage) Mid May H started talking divorce again. (He hasn't filed, but gave me a proposed financial settlement. He is waiting for me to respond). I also started a thread over in "surviving" to get some help re. settlement issues. I interviewed a lawyer, but haven't hired her yet. Need to do this soon!
SO, here is what I need to accept:
1. I gave a 100% effort to save our marriage; H gave nothing.
2. I am NOT a crazy, jealous wife. My concerns re. his female friend that I wrote about between Sept and April were valid (My SIL verified this and I found a letter he wrote to this person). He is already looking for dates online (he forgot to sign off one night and I admit I snooped). Throughout our marriage there have been questionable "friends".....I was just too stupid to see it/confront it. He made me believe that jealousy was all in my head.
Be strong....Here is the support to GAL for you. I have decided we can't figure out what they arethinking. I told my H that i had been a flippin fool for the last years. I was trying to work on things but altho he acted like we were making progress sometimes he still has OW. Imagine. Once I have set my foot down he calls and wants to visit with me and has at least a nicer tone to his voice. He doesn't want to live with me but doesn't want me to be on my own. GO figure. I feel alittle better since I set my foot down. I don't have those feelings that I should have done it a long time a go.
Be sure you take care of you and your D. Make sure when you get a lawyer you get a good one for you. You have done your part and we just have to realize no matter how we want things to turn out with out their want to we can't force them to change and want things to work.
Well HUGS for you and all the support is here if you need it .
Matilda, You will be okay, because you are a strong and loving woman who did everything that you could to save your family. Honestly, I'm about to get to the point that I'm ready to basically say the same things you have. We have to take care of ourselves and our children. You are doing these things. You are a moral person.
Sending lots of love and hugs your way! Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Thanks Penny and Yoyo. I know I need to distance myself so I can be more objective!!!! I have seen or talked to H every day. He tells me I'm still his best friend and we'll always be friends. One night he sounded so sad and depressed though a text message that he had me worried. We sent tm back and forth and I was trying to cheer him up. He sounded worse so I tried calling, but he wouldn't answer. He finally called me several hours later. Found out he had been out drinking. Next day he sounded fine. Later I told him I was mad at myself that I still cared and worried about him. He sounded upset that none of his family and friends were supporting him. So, it hurt to realize that he wasn't really sad about his decision.....just sad that he wasn't supported. He still hasn't told his mother. I think she knows.....she is fishing for information from others. I probably need to go see her since he won't. I know she will be disappointed.
I also have to guard against being passive aggressive toward him. I don't want to be mean spirited, but sometimes I just want him to know that he has really hurt me. For example, for our anniversary tradition we always had eggs benedict for breakfast. I sent him a message that morning saying I had found a new "non anniversary" breakfast: egg mcmuffin. He texted back and asked if I was trying to make him laugh or cry. I then responded that I wanted to make him laugh, although my first intent wasn't so noble. (I want to keep on the high road, but it's difficult at times).
Thanks for the support! It's so healthy to be able to vent here. I am trying hard not to say mean things about H to my friends and family. I have no idea why I am protecting H's image. I am just plain crazy I guess.
Isn't it hard to decide what to do when they are like that you don't know? Should you go gray dark do a 180 or be there all the time for him.
It sounds kind of like he knows you will be there for him all the time so it makes it easy for him to be this way and not work out his issues. Maybe going a little gray and not returning tx's and being mysterious might help both you and him. I think you know by your post what you need to do.
You are a strong one and you will be ok either way but it seems to me it's far from over. But that is just my OP. JAK PS: I know iv'e told you before but you have been and still are an inspiration to me!
Last edited by jak58; 06/13/0712:51 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Matilda, I think you handled that situation remarkably well. I too am like JAK I think your H is not totally out of the picture. Just be a little mysterious. Let him contact you.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yes, you WILL be OK! But please don't think you were ever stupid. You believed because you loved and trusted your H and he wasn't honest with you.
Slowly gave you great advice at the end of your last thread. Maybe your H needs to go to the brink or even over the edge to see what he's doing is nuts. However it plays out, please take care of your self and your D first. It's kind of you to try to cheer your H up, but maybe you need to stop doing that. Just my thoughts. Be well.
MIL called today. She told me she called to tell me that H's older brother was moving (which I could care less about). She then asked if H was working. I decided just to tell her about the divorce since I didn't think H would ever do it. She admitted that she had been worried and had been hearing rumors. She thanked me for trusting her enough to tell her. She said she thought he'd never find a more supportive wife! I told her H needed her support and love. (OOPS! There I go again trying to take care of him!! ) Her answer, "He always has my love, but I will never support him on this!"
) Her answer, "He always has my love, but I will never support him on this!"