Had an emotional night. H told me he is wants a divorce. Please no "this doesn't mean it's over" bits. I don't even know how it really came about, but it is out there. He just isn't willing to work on it and I think he's finally coming to terms with letting me go if he won't work on it. I think his mom has been talking to him some about that. He told me that he wants the chance to be happy, that he thinks I'm great and I meet some of his needs, but he wants the chance to have more of his needs met and he isn't willing to try that with me for whatever reason and thinks he could have that with someone else some day.
I have a few different emotions, sadness, regret that I'll never know if we could have had a great marriage because we didn't get to see, disappointment, and also some relief. I think the later comes from knowing that he hasn't cared for me for a long time or put me first for a long time, and I know that if he really isn't going to love me, that I am better off alone with hopefully the possibility of finding someone else someday that will truly want to have a loving and committed marriage that is forever. I wish he were willing to try but I can't make him and it is his choice. I wish I could fix it, but I can't.
I had class tonight (tried to hold it together) and then went out for a beer with a friend and actually laughed quite a bit. Maybe I'm in shock or maybe it's just been such a long time coming that it isn't hitting me as much as it should. I'm sure it will more when the papers actually come.
I really do love him. I'm sorry it has come to this. I'm mostly sorry for not getting a second chance. I hope to have it someday, even it if is with someone else and I hope that someone else loves me forever and is as committed to marriage as I am.
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
