I have some thoughts I'd like to share, if you are interested. Read them at your own risk, and be very skeptical. I feel a little bit reckless being so blunt, and a bit presumptuous writing some of it, but I trust you can filter out the useless bits, and I hope you'll understand the spirit in which it is offered.
Frankly, I can't imagine myself staying silent on the heavy stuff for a whole year. I really would want to try to be the perfectly and uniformly-upbeat supportive spouse on the home front IF my spouse was in mortal danger on a daily basis. But that is a BIG IF. (I mistakenly assumed that was your husband's situation, and so was cutting him some significant slack.)
But, if my spouse was fairly "safe", albeit homesick, putting in extremely long days, stressed knowing how much other lives depended on one's own job performance, and stressed because one's life was turned upside down by the deployment -- well, I'd try to be supportive for my own strategic reasons and because I love my spouse, but not at the expense of my sanity. For one, it will backfire to carry the whole relationship silently on my shoulders. For another, I deserve better, I really do. Under those circumstances, I think it would be fair AND sensible to have at some clearly demarcated discussions about where the R stands. More than fair.
If one is going to have some clearly bounded discussions about the R, then I think it becomes important to (1) identify the few things that really must be said and asked and answered, and (2) figure out how to put them on the table without drama and without making the other come to dread communication in general. IMHO, brutal honesty is required when identifying the things that must be said/asked/answered NOW, as opposed to things that can (somehow) wait until daily close contact is possible.
The important thing, I think, would be to frame it so it's clearly an intentional, short-term deviation from the normal daily conversation... That is, to avoid the appearance that all future conversations are going to be such a serious "drag". Honestly, if he can't understand that you are caring a large burden right now that he can't answer a few questions and/or can't bear to hear what you need to hear from him from time to time, then that seems like something you need to know.
Now, here is something really presumptuous on my part. I don't mean to put words in your mouth. I just want to efficiently convey what seems possible to me, and see if you or others think I'm full of sh!t. Here goes....
Maybe when the spouse was having/had a good day, I'd say something like: Hun, I've been trying very hard to support you, because I love you, and I know that you're in rotten environment right now and are probably homesick for the kids and a normal life, and hopefully missing me, your spouse, and the comforts of home I provide ;). I try very hard to send you nothing but good news from the home front, and stay upbeat etc., and to be something that you DON'T have to worry about. I hope you've noticed it and appreciated it. [pregnant pause] But, as you know, things were really crappy in the few months before you left. And, though things seemed to get significantly better, it's hard to remember, and especially to feel with you so far away, exactly how much better they got. And, quite honestly, I never got a clear understanding of where, in your mind, our relationship/marriage stands. If I'm going to be able to stay positive and give you the love and support I want to, we are occasionally -- and hopefully very occasionally -- going to have to talk about our relationship. Does that seem fair? Does that seem like something you can do? (answer better be yes, IMO) Is now a good time...it shouldn't take long, I just want to get myself clear on where YOU stand with regard to our relationship, the "D". (Or whatever those few things are that can't wait) And, I want to let you know the X-number of things I need to hear from you from time to time.
Again, I'm sorry if it is offensive to hear someone suggest a conversation. I'm just trying to throw out ideas, and don't have a clue how to throw them out otherwise. You seem so afraid to have a meaningful conversation right now because of the deployment, but, from here, it looks like you really really need to have one. Does what I just described seem possible? Counter-productive? Scary? (Again, I'm not a DB-ing expert.)
Regarding the A/D, I feel sympathy re. the effect it has on your drive. That really sucks. But, please make sure you're getting more out of NOT taking it than you would by taking it. Is a lower drive, right now, more or less important than the benefits you'd get from taking the A/D? In my own experience, A/D helps me avoid obsessive downward thought spirals, and generally helps with my emotional resiliency. I prefer my life with mine.
Also, you're situation is so complicated with the deployment, and , today at least, it sure seems like you don't have the support and outlets to vent that you need. You shouldn't have to do it all alone. Maybe you should find a good IC to help you formulate a plan to get through these next several months. Seems like you mentioned you were going to set up an IC appointment a couple of weeks ago. Did you follow through?
So far, I don't feel like you have a workable plan for how you're going to get through this deployment and keep your sanity. All I hear in that regard is that you plan to be stoic about it, to continue silently carrying the whole burden of your situation yourself. Is that how you see it? Will that work? I truly believe something will -- you've gotten through so much, by your own intelligence and determination.
