Well folks, I am transitioning over to the separated forum. A quick run down of our sitch:
Almost 3 yrs. ago my Ws two siblings found out that their spouses were having an A with each other. This impacted W terribly. She never really got over this.
Over 2006, she really struggled with depression and started drinking more often and occasionally to great excess (2 or 3 times). Also was yo-yoing on her weight.
In fall 2006, her behavior got more and more erratic. I did not recognize how bad of shape she really was in and did nothing. Being an optimist, I assumed tomorrow would bring a better day and we could move on.
In dec. she went to her niece's wedding shower and met a "very interesting" man on the flight. I thought nothing of it and even encouraged her to contact him RE: potential business opportunities. (Yup, he's now the OM in her long dist. EA).
In Jan. 2006, she quit drinking to focus on getting into shape. (she was already doing OK). By mid Jan she had reached her goal weight, but was still very unhappy with our R. She made a comment about not having sex unless she was drunk right before I left on a 2 week business trip overseas!!!!
The trip was torture. When I returned in early Feb., she said she was done having sex "for a while" and I prodded her into giving me the bomb (ILYBNILWY, not attracted to you like that, etc.)
After a month of pursuing, ILYing her to death, etc. I went to IC and the C supported Michelle's solution oriented philosophy. I have been trying LRT and our relationship is much improved. However, she still is not willing to look at me with new eyes, so we are going to separate.
Unfortunately, she will be moving from FL to TX with our two Ss. I have been looking for jobs in TX, but don't have anything fixed yet. Since TX is home for both of us, I decided to let her go and take the kids without a fight. Better that they are there rather than have a battle and then not be able to take them. My sadness over losing time with my Ss cannot be expressed. However, in the long run, we will all be back in the same city and will do it without a huge legal bill!
W is a certified teacher and is applying for jobs in her old school district in TX (been a SAHM for the past 8 years and did not work for 2 before that). Thus the move/separation will happen before school starts.
We are working on a separation agreement right now.
So sad to be moving here, but I know I will get some great support/advice.
SuperDad?
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
So her family members have affairs together and somehow this affects her relationship with you? How exactly does that work?
And she's taking your kids to Texas while you stay in FL. I'm not getting this. What other reasons has she given for separating and LEAVING TOWN? That seems so drastic. Why would a woman want to take her boys away from their DAD? These women that don't get that a boy needs his dad amaze me.
Well, sorry you're here. I'm not sure if it's a good thing but there are lots of us here with similar stories, so come join the club and hopefully some of will start seeing some success soon.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
So her family members have affairs together and somehow this affects her relationship with you? How exactly does that work?
It was how it affected her, not our R. I think it got her thinking about her unhappiness and that she only has so much time on this earth, etc.
Quote:
and she's taking your kids to Texas while you stay in FL. I'm not getting this. What other reasons has she given for separating and LEAVING TOWN? That seems so drastic. Why would a woman want to take her boys away from their DAD? These women that don't get that a boy needs his dad amaze me.
It is really complicated, but we are from TX and just after the bomb, I promised her that I would find a job there. In the meantime, I have decided I need to stay with my current employer for at least another year for several reasons. I will eventually follow them there and in the near term may even work 1/2 to 3/4 time there, depending on how things work out.
She knows how important the relationship between the boys and me is and has promised not to ever restrict our access to one another.
SD
Last edited by SuperDad?; 06/11/0702:41 AM.
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Hey buddy. Just wanted to let you know that I picked up your new thread and added it to my watch list. I've had a lot going on this weekend, as you know, so I'll have to catch up more later, but I've been thinking about you and hope you're doing ok. If you make it town soon, please let me know. I'm buying.
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Theoden and Nomopo, Thanks for the support guys! It's been a tough couple of days, but I am getting back my PMA bit by bit. I talked to my boss and he said that it would be no problem to work a min. of 1 week out of 4 from Austin (everything is NetMeeting anyway since we are a global company). This would put me with the kids 9 days out of 28 + vacation and holidays, so nearly 1/2 time. Plus they would likely visit for a few weeks in the summer. In the end, I know a lot of people who travel more than this and see their kids only on the weekends (8 or 10 days per month).
I will try to explain my decision and then let the 2x4s fall where they may:
1. W is adamant about her returning home to TX in August.
2. I want to end up there in the next few years, but can't compromise everything to do it. Note that all of our extended families live there and we have been discussing going back on and off for years.
3. She wants to take the kids when she goes and said she would go to a L if I did not want her to take them.
4. Even if I decide to fight to make her leave them with me and win, they would then be stuck in FL until I went back to court to change it. This would only give all of our $ to Ls and is not where I want to go.
5. I am not really in a position to have the kids full time since I have to travel overseas 2 or 3 times a year for several weeks and also travel frequently domestically.
6. I want my W to not have me as the excuse for her unhappiness. Really, I view a separation as the only hope for us to have a chance at a new R sometime in the future. She needs to be on her own for a while to understand who she is and also to appreciate all I have done for her over the years.
Well, that's about it! SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Thanks for the support JR! I really am struggling with being apart from the kids, but I will make the best of it and we will be together a lot somehow.
Journaling: I am really struggling with my PMA still. I try to keep a positive attitude around W, but it is hard when she is so excited about getting back to Austin and I am watching her tear apart our family and everything that we worked so hard to build for the past 15 years.
aside: W just came in to my room and wanted to talk about her buying the plane ticket to go meet with the hiring principal in Austin and sign her contract. It was about $150 more expensive than I anticipated and I was trying to find a cheaper ticket. She got upset that she was "a burden" and that she would just borrow money from her parents. (totally not necessary) I said she was not a burden, I just wanted to see if I could save some $. At least she did not ask me to put OM on the email distribution of the ticket. AHHH!!!
back to journaling I just need to get back to reading Awakening at Midlife and think Bhuddist (everything in life is transient, happiness if found by living in the moment and enjoying the life that we have).
What I am thankful for: 1. I am still with the kids and they are still blissfully ignorant. (not for much longer) 2. We all have our health. 3. W and I are still civil (even though I cannot at all understand why she feels the need to do this!). 4. My family and friends are SOOOOO supportive of me and have not given her any indication that they accept what she is doing. 5. That my W is hopeful about her life again.
I know no. 5 is odd, but she was so excited when the job offer came in. I wanted to get excited with her, but then it occured to me that this meant she was really going. I know she is really happy to be getting back home and that by letting her go, I am doing the right thing.
Now I just need to figure out my "path with heart". What the heck is the right trade off between my long term goals and the time I spend with the kids over the next months?
Again, I appear to have 3 options: 1. Stay in current position and work 1 week out of 4 from Austin. (two weekends there, two weekends here). 2. Become a sort of "internal consultant" and work 3 weeks there and 1 week here. 3. Take the promotion and live the life of a nomad (between S. FL and Cent. FL during the weeks and fly to Austin on most weekends, with some of them 3 dayers).
Option 1. is seeming to be the best possibility right now because I will get to publish my current work, thus putting me in good shape for a prof. position down the road and I will still stay relavant to the business. I will still be with the kids 1/2 of the weekends and only have to travel back and forth once a month. Also, I have an excuse to keep the house for a while, which will be hard to sell.
Option 2. is attractive only if I can get lined up to take a prof. position within a year since I will rapidly get out of the loop at work and then not be able to sustain it.
Option 3. is attractive because I will have the ear of upper management and may be able to make my own path forward. The travel seems onerous and I would need to get a big raise since I would need to spend about $1500-2k/mo. on travel. It is the type of opportunity for which I have been looking for over 2 years, and now that it is here, I don't know if I really want it.
OK, A long post already, but needed to get some things written down.
Love to hear any thoughts, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
SD, I think you have thought out things quite clearly. From someone looking in, it is hard to understand. Given the circumstances I think you are following your "path of heart". This S will surely add strains, but could be positive. I sense you understand this. I am quite sure the toughest thing is going to be the seperation from the kids, I cannot even imagine. You are doing what you clearly think is best, you have done much soul searching, and only you can make the decisions. I don't feel you are giving up on your family, just passing a point of the old is not good enough and are laying long term groundwork for the new and hopefully better.
AHHH!!!