You know what's nice? The women to men ration is SO out of whack, there will be NO scarcity for you. So you can do as you say, pick and choose - no hurry, no rush, just relaxed and calm.
Good luck with all the ladies
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Let it settle, lick your wounds, just be you and be ok with it. Best words of advice I can give right now man. I'm sorry that you're this far down the road.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
Yeah, perhaps this is not good advice because I am a woman, but it is OK to be alone for a while. I have seen too many people get into a bad pattern on the rebound, so take it slow and see what it is like tbe alone for a little while.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Well, in theory, we have the "drafting" review meeting Thursday to review the legal documents for the D. A number of the final numbers are not agreed upon, so I don't know how far we will get on that. But the other meeting occuring Thursday is us signing her home equity loan application so I can get my equity from her. After that I will quickly (we are assuming by August 1) be moving out of the house.
To that end we had a meeting with a family counselor tonight to get ready for the expected kid trauma. It was our second meeting with her. In this one I was accused of tapping the phones in the house, and having an "inappropriate" relationship with my daughter. She means co-dependent, which is baloney. W even said she is paranoid about what I might try to do next. I pointed out that she is in fact paranoid and that I can't stop doing what I'm not doing in the first place.
It's funny because W claims all these wild things I'm doing but then says how well things are going with the kids and our friends about the D. Like no one is shunning us because we are getting D, like they did to W when her mom and dad D-ed. So, I think the C is smart enough to figure it out. But, in the end, I don't really care what the C thinks. W can go off in her fantasyland and as long as the kids aren't impacted, I don't care.
So I'm two meetings away from the thing being sent to court. I better get that mandatory parenting class done.
What do I think? I said to my C that I wish W was willing to work on the M. He said something very profound. That if she was willing to work on it, she wouldn't be the same person she is, and she might be someone I wouldn't even like. That impacted me. I can't make her be someone she isn't, someone who will fight to save a M. I might as well wish she was a supermodel: she's never going to be that either. Interesting.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Well, we had the final meeting Thursday to get all the parameters of the D decided. I was surprised to get to the end of a page of notes and have nothing left to talk about. W and both attys didn't have anything left either. So, it is done.
We both feel screwed so it is probably a fair deal. I've leaving W half of my house equity so she can stay in the house. She will pay me when she sells, with interest. I am paying all kids expenses plus $400 a month for "inflation". It's not the state mandated 32%, but the kids live with me half the time, so in theory there shouldn't be any payments to her, so it is very generous, in my opinioin. W just has to cover her own expenses with her salary, which is easily doable. She earns double the average family income for our state, just on her salary, before I pay anything. Private schooling is paid out of an account of stock we had. All other assets were split evenly.
I am sad and bummed. I didn't want my marriage to end. I was not given a choice. Stand? Sure, it would just screw up my life for another two years, and then it would happen anyway. She'd claim it was another "controlling" behavior. I give up.
Well, I didn't even get home before W was calling me screaming that the deal was unfair. We spent two entire meetings going over this and now she doesn't like it. I'm paying 100% of the kid expenses plus another $400 thrown on for "inflation", and 75% of the expense for both of our vacations, PLUS another $288 in two years to cover driving kids around, and that is not good enough. I could not talk to her about it at the car dealership (I was getting an oil change) so I hung up on her.
I came home and went for a run. When I got home, W called me in and wanted to talk to me. My running buddy headed for his house, and she is yelling at him down the block! I come in and she is all over me about how the deal is not fair. She wants to see the numbers. I get out my briefcase and pull out the sheet we were using at the meeting, and show her the details. Before I can even show her anything, she says the deal is off and she is calling her atty tomorrow. I say then if your mind is decided, there is no use to showing you the details. I back away and she smashes my thick folder of D paperwork all over the foyer, and then proceeds to empty the contents of the top of our foyer bureau (cameras, books, papers) all over the floor. I just back up and head away from her. She follows me yelling how and my kids will starve and I go back outside to get away from her and she follows me across the yard yelling my about how I am a terrible father, loud enough now so the neighbors can hear. I just keep walking away until she goes back in the house. I lay in the grass to stretch. After a few minutes she comes back out and I go in the house, and tell her I am not talking to her if she is just going to harangue me.
I go up the stairs, and I'm still covered in sweat because it was a hot run, and she is right on my tail, haranguing. I go in my bedroom, and one of the kids is on the bed watching TV. I close the door and lock it so I can get my shower in peace (she's been known to want to have an entire argument while I'm trying to escape in the shower). As I head towards the shower I hear this tremendous crash: she has broken the door down! I am in shock; I can hardly believe it. There are chunks of wood on the floor. S10 scoots out of the room like a scared animal. I hear later that S12 was crying uncontrollably saying he can't take this anymore. I don't know what she will do next. I grab the phone and tell her I think I need to call 911. I tell her that will probably mean a temporary restraining order, since it will be the second time she has been violently out of control. She starts begging me not to call and I don't know what to do. I'm scared that she will get out of control on one of the kids after I move since I won't be here to get beat on, but they will. I don't want to do this. I realize if I call, the entire divorce agreement will need to be scraped, and we'll be stuck in the morass for three more years. She points out she's never been violent towards the kids, a valid point. I wimp out and throw the phone on the bed and go get my shower. I ask her to go in the other room (since now I can't lock the door), but of course as soon as I am in the shower she is in the bathroom, trying to work the financials! I can't hear over the shower water. I tell her the deal is done and I'm finished negotiating.
I there might have been a time when I was willing to listen to her issues, but now that time has past. I have taken every kind of abuse in this divorce. I have had money stolen for over two years, and all the while she was asking me to do house improvements knowing full well she was going to file. I spent thousands on them, and put backbreaking labor into that electric light in the front yard, and I will get no use of them. I have been showered in glass and ice on my birthday in front of my kids, all for asking for the checkbook from my own account! She drained $4000 out of that account the next day (illustrating why I was asking for the checkbook in the first place, the irony completely lost, I'm sure). I have heard interminable complaints about me calling the police for that. That has been the only thing that kept her from more violence, until now. I've had stuff thrown at my head, had her kicking (hard) the back of my chair in my office, and then had her say she would lie if I told anyone she did it. I have supplied every number asked for, been completely transparent on all issues financial, and have continuously had my integrity questioned (I would call it slander). She treats spliting the assets in half like she's doing me a favor. She is sure I'm hiding money, sure I have some secret account, sure I am getting promotions and raises that I have not gotten (including being accused at the attys, right in the meeting, of having a promotion that I have not gotten - and neither lawyer even flinched - that's how used to the unfounded accusations we've all gotten). I've been accused of having a girlfriend, had her claim she had a boyfriend, had her claim she has another lawyer "waiting in the wings" to file traditionally, and had her stealing files off my computer. And Wednesday she questioned an email I got from an automated real estate service announcing new property available in my area. "Are you on Match.com?" was the question/conclusion, while I was helping her send pictures to her relatives. Most of the things I've been accused of doing, she actually was doing them!
So, I am officially done with this nonsense. I have negotiated in good faith, brought up issues and concerns to get them addressed, been sensitive to the kids needs, agreed to move out of my house, let her use my home equity to my detriment, put all assets forward, tried to understand the law and our options, gotten full agreement from her on the decisions we made, faithfully followed the collaborative agreement I signed, and basically been treated like garbage (at times) by her. Now the violence thing is happening again. I am not agreeing to more negotiations. I'm done. If this deal is not good enough, she will have to file, and with the crap she has pulled, she will get pummeled in court. In spite of the accusations, I have not been operating offensively. That passivity will not continue forward from here.
Do you blame me?
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Call the police right now and make a report. Take pictures of that door. Document, document, document. Just bcause your W has never been violent with the kids before doesn't mean she won't turn her anger on them once you're not around. There may come a day when you need to fight for full custody and you could use this police report.
Also, if you file a report, odds are she will be mandated to go to anger management classes, and that could only benefit your kids.
Plus - if YOU don't file a report, she sounds just wacky enough to file a report herself and claim YOU did it!!!
Reality check, okay? A woman BREAKING DOWN A DOOR to argue with you is NOT normal behavior - something is seriously wrong with her. Protect yourself and your kids.
Call the police right now and make a report. Take pictures of that door. Document, document, document. Just bcause your W has never been violent with the kids before doesn't mean she won't turn her anger on them once you're not around. There may come a day when you need to fight for full custody and you could use this police report.
Also, if you file a report, odds are she will be mandated to go to anger management classes, and that could only benefit your kids.
Plus - if YOU don't file a report, she sounds just wacky enough to file a report herself and claim YOU did it!!!
Reality check, okay? A woman BREAKING DOWN A DOOR to argue with you is NOT normal behavior - something is seriously wrong with her. Protect yourself and your kids.
Ellie
Very good advice, should seriously consider doing that.
M 41 W 33 S8 S17 Bomb 3/11/07 S 3/28/07 New beginning? 8/31/07
You know, just skimmed through some of your old threads and saw the part about schizophrenia in W's family. And several times that she has admitted being paranoid (of course, that could have just been guilt talking).
Raises the question, is she a typical WAS or is she mentally ill? It can be surprisingly hard to tell the difference sometimes, as most WASs are suffering from some type of depression. Still, your W's behavior seems over-the-top with breaking down the door. Does she have any physical ailments? (Some things, like thyroid problems, B12 deficiency, etc. etc. can sometimes cause mental symptoms that can be mistaken for bipolar disorder or psychosis). Do any of these physical ailments run in her family? Does she have any other psych symptoms?
No, just the paranoia. Her mother has schizophrenia with psychotic tendencies (and was institutionalized for nine months last year), and her dad was on schizo meds for 25 years and we never knew until just before he died a few years ago. That said, she was raised by these people and she does have many issues, like lack of trust and lack of forgiveness, and assumes the worst about people. But other than assuming things about people based on no data, there just doesn't seem to be any of the more serious stuff. She does get scared if she perceives major money issues, due to her childhood where her folks would drink their paychecks and leave no money for food, but we have monitored her closely and see no real evidence of the really serious stuff.
She is having trouble adjusting to the new financial arrangement. She says she had done some budget that showed she needed more $$$ than we agreed on in the settlement, but I have never seen this "mythical" budget. I told her if she had a different set of assumptions than we were using she should have brought it up, but I really think it was a fantasy and not really defendable at the collaborative table. Even in the collaboration, she was showing a budget spending $1000 more than I was, but I'll need a bigger mortgage and, for a while, more for replacing household items, since I'm the one moving. She was doing things like adding $200 a month for church donations that we weren't doing last year, so she inflated it a bit so she could show extra cost that would prevent her from paying for kids expenses. Yeah, I had some other budgets, too, but I couldn't have reasonably convinced her and her atty to agree to them. Her atty is a really sharp guy, and he thought we did a pretty good settlement. She, of course, is whining about all of it, but that is her way of working through issues that scare her.
Bottom line: she insisted on this, and she isn't going to get everything she wants. I don't want to be divorced, but that is the deal I get. So she needs to get used to having, how do I say, a non-optimal solution to the problem. Welcome to the club.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
