It's not fair to your kids to lie to them either. They'll know. If and when the separation occurs they need to know, not all the details, but enough to make their own decisions. If they decide to hate their mother you need to coach them on forgiveness but do not lie to them and say it's a mutual decision. It's not. She doesn't want to be married based on her action and activities. Period. You and the kids are family. I still don't see why you think you need to leave. Hmmm...get that separation agreement and get her out as quickly as possible. Let the sycophant care for her.
Oh, yeah, WII. After this your family only consists of you and your kids...the female that birthed them is only a coordinator of their upbringing, nothing more to you (unless of course she gets struck by lightning or the four dragons appear and change her essence dramatically). Her relationship with your kids is her own business and she gets to run with that hot potatoe.
I'm afraid I handled 'the talk' fairly badly. I told my H that since he was the one having the A, and wanting to leave his family, then it was up to him to tell them why. Fortunately (or not, depending on one's viewpoint), the kids already knew something was up. They are older than yours (the twins were 17, youngest daughter 11, and oldest married daughter was 25), so were quite aware of something boiling. My youngest got very upset, and she is still very wary, and clingy with her dad ... gets very antsy when we have a disagreement, and we have to reassure her that it is just a disagreement, not a fight. Anyway, my H pretty much told them that he still cared for me, but wasn't happy anymore, and that he felt it best that we got divorced, but he still loved them and that nothing was their fault. I just stood there in self-righteous silence (oh grief, the old me was such a b!tch, even though I had reason to be sometimes). Not sure if doing this made him realise what he was losing, and it finally leading him back to us. He, ultimately, never left the home, and it was about 6 months after 'the talk' that we decided to reconcile.
Good luck with it, WII ... it's a very difficult thing to have to do, but with the ages your children are at, just keep it really simple.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Being Me, I do want this to be a joint discussion. It is a joint decision to separate. Yes, it is true that one person's actions have forced this choice but, again, we must co-parent together and the best way to do that is to be united in raising our children. You can't do that by exposing and pissing off the other for the sake of looking good in front of the kids! It sets up a destructive pattern. On the other hand, W made choices that she should be OK to discuss with the kids, she feels she's done no wrong (nutcase!), so let it all hang out. I, on the other hand, believe she has done a great deal that is wrong BUT do you say that to the kids? "Mom and I disagree on the morality of what she has chosen to do?" I dunno. OnTheBeach, just to clarify, I don't have to leave. In fact, my proposal will state that I stay in the home. I feel that would be best for the kids. W cannot be home at a decent hour from work whereas I can be here by 4:30 pm. That said, I am also not necessarily wed to being here either. I can see it might be beneficial for me to be away from the old life in order to build a new one. Time will tell which way it goes. Check me out at the end of June. Thanks for the links Being Me and Oldtimer.
I agree with you, WII, it should be a joint talk! I handled our talk very badly (this was before I had really managed to get a grip on DB'ing, otherwise I would have done it completely differently). Anyway, just learn from my mistake, and also see that even when mistakes are made, when one does the 180's, follow the DB principles with GAL'ing, detaching, etc., things can still change for the better.
You could say that you and their mother still care about each other (as I am sure she does care for you, despite her foolish actions), that they will always be safe, and loved. This is not their fault, and you and your W will do your best to lessen the impact on their lives. They don't have to be told about the A or whose fault it is (as long as they know, it's not theirs), just that mom and dad are not getting along, despite trying, and feel it best to separate.
I really do empathize with at this point, really deeply. You'll probably find the kids know a lot of what's going on already.
Anyway, 'nuff said ... your mind is probably in so much turmoil just thinking about it. Just hope some of our thoughts here will help, and not add to the confusion.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Being Me, the kids do know that Mom and Dad are not getting along. After our huge blowout last summer, which the kids unfortunately witnessed, I sat down and had a talk with them in the evening (W just left, when kids asked if we were getting divorced she said she didn't know and left!). I explained the situation, leaving out OW. I told them that Mom and Dad hadn't been getting along for a long time. I said that Mom didn't love Dad in the way that Dad still loved Mom, this happens sometimes when couples have been married a long time. I told them that Dad was going to stay and work hard to make things better but couldn't promise Mom would love me again. I said Mom can't help the way she feels and I can't make her feel differently, if I could I would! Kids were worried I might walk out like a few of their friends Dad's did, I promised them I would NEVER do that. I also told them I couldn't promise mom and dad would always be together but that they would always be the most important people in our lives. I think I handled it beautifully and unfortunately single handedly. So, yes, they know the score. How much they know about Mom's "friend" I'm not certain. Thanks for your insight and experience, it helps a lot!
You surely did handle that superbly! I wish I could've had you around then to get some advice (oh well). So, whatever discussion you might have now, is not going to come as any big surprise.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I was thinking this morning, while driving to work, about that convo I had with D's last summer which I've been mentioning to you folks. I remember how it ended and how much that meant to me. I'll pass it on. After I had told D's that I promised to do whatever I could to keep us all together, my D9 (she had just turned 9) said "I know you will Daddy because my Daddy's not a liar, if he says he'll do something, he'll do it!" It's one of those comments that you file away and cherish forever. It tells me that no matter what, my kids think the best of me. That means alot!
I think you should sit down with your wife and ask her how you two should tell the kid's. This would be great exposure for her to deal with. Give her some really darn important things to think about. Ask her, what should we tell them that you are gay and had an affair? The truth is what the truth is. Ask her also what shou;d we tell our friends and parents. Just let them know you are gay and had an affair. Let her feel the shame of it.
Also I just would like you to take a look if you can in the forum sex starved marriage. There is a post there by a poster named chocolateeyes. He is not out of the woods but made remarkable progress with his situation. Also an affair. I think you would be interested to know he exposed his wife for what she was doing to her parents and everything. Even the other person's parents. LOL His wife has made HUGE progress on recommiting to the marriage. It is a story of real inspiration. Anything is worth a shot at this point.
