NikkiB #16

[NikB]

I'm sorry, I'm wallowing a little today. I'm not sure why I am so hurt, so crushed... but I am. I guess I allowed myself to take down the walls I had been building too soon. I got too close, too vulnerable.. and I feel so stupid for it. I still love my H very deeply. I care about him. I respect him, even with all that has happened. I can envision a bright, beautiful, happy future for us (if that's what he chooses, I get that it is not my choice).

I thought he was starting to envision this too, and now I find out that coming home was basically the lesser of two evils?? What happened during that really great month where we were clicking, connecting, moving closer - did I just imagine all that? It sure felt real at the time. Did I screw something up, push for boundaries too soon, or was it just a product of moving back too quickly?? He trusted my changes enough to move back, I kept up with them, now he's not trusting them again? Or are they not enough?? I'm beginning not to trust my feelings at all.

I am also so lost on how to act/react now with regards to H. I know to listen, validate, be compassionate, I get all that. And I understand that I'm choosing to live with the "limbo" stage again. But do I continue trying to make good connections with him? Do I invite him for bike rides or things that I think we'd enjoy doing together? He didn't say it's over or that he wants it to be, just that he's having a rough time... but it's hard to shake the "giving up on myself." Does that mean he can't be true to himself unless he leaves me??

I am not trying to fix him, push him to be with me, and I know I'm doing too much mindreading. I'm just getting it out here so I can get it out somewhere. Hoping emptying my brain will help with getting my PMA back.