So i had lunch with a friend yesterday who is leaving his wife. He has been unhappy for some time and didn't feel his wife was meeting his needs for physical affection. So there we are talking from two perspectives, the WAH, and the LBS. It was a very interesting conversation, and it was very helpful to me to hear the perspective of someone walking away.

A couple of things that i felt:

1. He was very sincere in the fact he cared for his wife immensely, just couldn't be unhappy any longer.

At the same time while he may say he does, he really doesn't take any responsibility for the problems in the marriage. It's easier to say his wife is different, can't change, and that this has always been a problem in the relationship.

2. There is OW. There always is. And of course when asked - it's not the reason for his wanting out. However i was able to gather that he was feeling unloved, and he felt an emotional connection elsewhere, and it felt right, and that it really does play a large part in this.

3. He is never 100% sure he is doing the right thing. He may be 99% sure, but he is always watching for something to change his mind. He also said when he first opened up to her he was 90% sure, and the way she reacted solidified his resolve.


The other interesting thing from the conversation is that he described exactly what the DR books say.

1. When he started to say how unhappy he was, he watched his wife try to change, but he felt the changes were all fake, it made him angry and more resentful. He said he felt like 'why couldn't you do this years ago, its too late now', and he felt like it was manipulative of her and not a loving act.
2. He feels she is really helpless right now, and while he feels guilt and sad for her and wishes her the best, the neediness almost repulses him. Its a major turnoff from the relationship.
3. He doesn't want to hear the reasons why they are good together, good memories, or reasons why they should stay together.



SO WHAT DID I LEARN?
1. This is hard on my WAW too, she really felt some serious unhappyness, yet she is confused. Its not easy to ask for a divorce, and the doubts are always there.
2. The little voice in her head that says 'this is a mistake' is always there, sometimes its louder than others.
3. By accepting the situation, living my life and making decisions to make myself happy that voice in her head keeps getting louder, i keep moving the slider from '99% sure' to '95% sure' and that reversal in trend adds to the doubt.
4. The less i say about the relationship, and live my life the more attractive i look to her.