I think most of you know my sitch and I kind of feel like maybe you guys feel like I'm being whiny a bit and don't really have it "that bad." And I know I truly don't in a lot of ways.
My question is this though: I still feel as if I am putting all the effort into our R. Making him feel special, loved, etc. while deployed. I am not whining or complaining ABOUT ANYTHING.
I'm just wondering if maybe I could send an email or something along the lines of (short version): I love you, I miss you, every once in awhile an email w/ some depth would be nice, how are you feeling about US? after all that we have been through, I'm still having a hard time w/ my emotions at time when I think of all we've been through.
I haven't said anything to him since he left about anything that transpired since the D bomb, etc. I haven't asked anything as far as if he's still talking to anyone -- I haven't shown any sort of insecurity, etc. Should I just keep it this way? I actually feel as if I'm getting to the point of "I really don't need you, you big dummy" -- now that I've HAD to be on my own, I realize I really could do it if I had to. I know it would "feel" differently if we were actually separated and he was here in town, etc., etc., but I would be able to remind myself that I am a lot stronger than I thought.
I just don't feel like I'm getting any sort of support from him. I asked him this morning "how are you doing" in a way that meant "really, how are you doing" b/c he's made mention numerous times that he's already "done" w/ the newness over there and is so ready to come home. But did he reciprocate the question after he bitched & moaned? Of course not.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should just leave things alone, go see him in September and see how things are w/ us or if I should reach out to him or if that would just be a bad thing w/ it being long distance.
I know this may sound like small potatoes to what some of you are going through, but I really have been and am still going through a lot -- numerous A's, D bomb, 3 little boys and I busted my A$$ to keep my H and my M intact and I think I did a damn good job, but I still feel so alone and like now I don't have any emotional support, etc.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, I can't imagine how hard it is for you to be working FT and taking care your boys alone while your H is gone. I also can't imagine how hard it is for him to be where he is, doing what he is doing.
I completely understand what you're saying. I require lots of feedback (personality type and all) and I don't always get it. In fact, it's one of the things that makes posting here (or on any BB) difficult sometimes for me.
But as frustrating as it is for you, I wouldn't expect much feedback from your H right now. I would just continue to email him as you have been doing and letting him know how you're doing, how you're feeling, etc., and leave it at that. He's probably not capable of focusing on anything but what's going on over there.
Go see him in September, spend time together, and get a sense then of how things seem between the two of you. Maybe you'll have an opportunity for a good talk about your R.
Has your H always been the type to keep things inside, meaning is he an avoidant type? If he is, then he probably is even LESS likely than the average person to be able to give you what you need right now.
Also, be prepared to deal with some issues when he returns, as I understand that re-entry into civilian life can be a difficult transition. (You may have dealt with this before.) You will also need to adjust, because you are now getting accustomed to being on your own, doing things as you see fit, so you may see him as an intruder at times when he returns.
Yeah, I know about the "getting back to normal" when he gets back issue. That was actually one of the things I said to him when he still wanted the D though -- that we were going to have to pretty much "get to know each other" again once he got back anyway. I think we'll have some adjustment issues, but hopefully we'll just all be happy he's home and run w/ it.
Ok, I will stay the course. I just really have some emotional days where I just wish he could "give" me a little more.
I will just keep doing what I'm doing and go see him in September and see how things go. I guess I should just be happy with where we are at and that we aren't separated/going through divorce as we could be. I'll quit acting like a "needy chick."
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Ok, guess my thoughts & emotions are truly insignificant. 30-some people have "viewed" my concerns and questions and only 1 has responded. Thanks guys.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Ok, guess my thoughts & emotions are truly insignificant.
Of course they're not!!!!
You're situation sucks, plain and simple. You deserve better. I think it would be a mistake to read too much into lack of response to your posts. There can be lots of reasons for that, reasons having nothing to do with you
Just read your last couple of messages. I've been away from the boards for a couple of weeks -- things have been, unexpectedly, changing here, for the better.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I wish I had time right now to catch up with where things are at, but I've just got a few minutes here at lunch.
From what I recall of your situation, you've done an amazing, even heroic, job keeping your marriage together and getting it back on track. You've put in so much effort, and still are, but it seems like you're not getting back what you need AND deserve. It seems quite reasonable to me that the weight of all that would get harder and harder to carry.
I'll catch up on your threads when I get a chance...perhaps tonight. I'm wondering if you are getting any professional support through this lately? Seems like you were going to go for IC?
I'm not an expert. All I can offer you is my years of experience living/partially-living/not-living life. Based upon what I've heard you manage to do so far in turning around your relationship, based upon the consciously-driven learning and action you've taken to make your life better, based upon bits of your personality and character that come through your posts in your own threads and others -- I have no doubt you can get through this and end up with a happier and healthier life.
I haven't responded because this thread sounded more to me like you were simply venting. Don't take someone not responding to your thread personally, sometimes people become bogged down responding to two or three threads at a time....sometimes you have to bump your own up if this happens and say "YO! I NEED FEEDBACK!!!"
I'm sorry if I've missed this but have you read Divorce Busting? Have you employed the 180 techniques?
I just don't feel like I'm getting any sort of support from him. I asked him this morning "how are you doing" in a way that meant "really, how are you doing" b/c he's made mention numerous times that he's already "done" w/ the newness over there and is so ready to come home. But did he reciprocate the question after he bitched & moaned? Of course not.
Is this something he did in the past? If not, it may not be from lack of care, it could be from lack of knowledge. You know how you were unaware of how deeply the sexual rejection affected him? Realize that he is probably just as unaware of how deeply this impacts you.
Once he spills the beans on his day, perhaps you could lightly say, "Get ready to hear about my adventures!"
Instead of sitting there on the phone wondering why he isn't reciprocating and blaming it on lack of love.
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I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I should just leave things alone, go see him in September and see how things are w/ us or if I should reach out to him or if that would just be a bad thing w/ it being long distance.
What does "reach out to him" mean to you?
Quote:
I know this may sound like small potatoes to what some of you are going through, but I really have been and am still going through a lot -- numerous A's, D bomb, 3 little boys and I busted my A$$ to keep my H and my M intact and I think I did a damn good job, but I still feel so alone and like now I don't have any emotional support, etc.
Sweetie, what you've been through does not sound like small potatoes. What you have done is a testament to your strength. To choose the hard path and do the right thing as best you can determine it, while living in uncertainty - sticking your emotional neck out without knowing if your spouse has dropped his sword or not - you have my deepest admiration for a job well done.
One of the hardest parts is to have unspoken needs and desires (ie. notes, questions about *your* day) and to have them go unmet. It's a quick trip to resentmentville. So, perhaps, you can "prime the pump" for your needs, not by sending a list of things I need you to do, but by speaking up lightly as in the above suggested scenario.
Please don't take the tack of "it doesn't count if I have to ask for it." Give him the benefit of the doubt of operating from ignorance and let's see if you can start getting what you need without a deep and heavy talk and without him having to read your mind.
Sorry GEL & all, I'm just having one of my *bad* days. Emotional -- maybe I need meds -- it's another one of my "I need to be strong and do it on my own" things -- I don't really want to keep taking the AD's b/c it does seem to drag my SD down and obviously I don't want that.
I have read and done all the DB'ing -- that's the only reason we aren't maritally separated instead of just physically separated I think. As far as 180's go, I had been thinking maybe I would just back off a little and quit pouring on the emails, cards, etc., but then I don't want him to think "oh here we go again, she's been doing all this and now she's going to quit and go back to how we used to be." (not necessarily as emotionally supportive as I could have been)
MrsNOP, as far as whether he was supportive in the past, HE surely thinks he was, but he was doing it in his way and I had no idea what he was doing (i.e. he did a lot of stuff around the housing thinking he was making things easier for me).
A big part of our problem was lack of communication (actual sit down and talk stuff instead of just passing comments or expecting the other to know what we were thinking). He seems to think I should have known how unhappy he was all along, but never told me things he could have to help me to know what was going on w/ him.
I guess by "reach out to him" I mean let him know how I'm feeling about things. That I could use some more emotional, loving support from him.
I guess I'm just afraid to almost say ANYTHING to him about what I *need* emotionally from him in light of the D bomb, etc. I still feel like it's all about him and making him happy and I know that's not how I should be thinking, but I can't help it. I'm still afraid that anything I say along the lines of R talk could blow things out of the water.
I suppose just saying *lightly* that a few more emails actually *talking* to me instead of just quick replies to mine would be nice, but like I said I'm afraid it may come out wrong and I'd rather just keep my mouth shut.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
yes, and I would also add that your situation is unusual, w/ the "deployment" and all. Most of us probably don't have any such experience, so don't know just how to deal with it.
I know that in my day, (OMG that makes me sound old!!), when troops deployed, they were ~incomunicado~ for months on end. save maybe a few letters, which would take weeks to reach their destination. I know its not like that now...but on exactly what is available, and to whome, I am unclear. Hard to paint a picture that way...
I guess I'm just afraid to almost say ANYTHING to him about what I *need* emotionally from him in light of the D bomb, etc
I think that is going to lead to you to just feeling worse. You need to tell him your Needs as well. Maybe this is not the best timing with him deployed, but at some point, you have to stop living in fear of him saying the D word again. All of your efforts ARE going to seem a little overboard considering he is not giving back a similar effort. You can only maintain this level of effort for so long before the resentment builds in you. Seems like it already has. So maybe back off a little like you stated. Act loving but don't do anything that you don't feel like doing. Basically, be true to how you feel and who you are, don't do anything out of fear. That tends to rarely work long term. LFL
