All is fine here, not much to report in the R & W part though.
Hope you & your family are fine too.
Just on the topic of lost soul, I feel she needs a few more posters in there that are in her timezone, could it be possible to get a few opinions in there. I know you make yourself an active poster here & you may know a few that could pop in there & say hi.
Today is not such a good day, I got the first mention of Devorce today. I say it's not so good because I got this via text message (SMS). She could'nt even be botherd to call me & say, hey we need to talk. Nope, I got the sms that says..."Need to talk to you about what you think on getting things sorted out with the divorce stuff"
Firstly I am not happy about marching onward & upward with this but I am comfortable with it & will not fight it. Second, & I would like some opinions on this...As it is now I will not except talking about this via sms or phone call. I have no problems in facing my W & talking about it this & going with it ( acting happily). My wife on the other hand appears to have issues with facing me & I see that as her problem that she must deal with. I would like to say to her, sure,no problem, we can talk either in this house or at a location of her choice but not by phone call.
As with my new improved self, I am always trying to see the positives in all situations that life throws my way, not sure about the positive/s in this just yet lol, but i'm sure there will be some.
Anyway I would like some thought/advice on how to handle this when or if my W agrees to see me & talk.
My game plan right now is to be exactly the way I have been up to now & thats happy & up-beat about it all. Which I must say at the moment, it appears that apart from making me feel better, the only effect it's had on my W, is she now thinks I'm ready her next phase of this mess
Well hope someone will help out a slightly confused strange
Thats all you can do strange...let her take the reins on that, but don't fight her. That is the worst thing to do.
My W has brought up D too, but just seems to keep putting it on the backburner...now, when she finally broke down to me after a R talk, she said it was demons from her past muddling her decisions of reconcilation. But at least she hasnt followed through with D yet.
Point is Strange, dont believe a word of what comes out of a WAWs mouth until you physically see D papers in front of you, and even then accept it as though it doesnt faze you that much,(even though it might tear you up inside). When I finally got to the point of wanting and not needing, I feel D papers wouldnt bother me as much as if it were to happen 8 months ago.
Just follow through with her wishes but make it clear that you are not in favor of it, but you are going to make it appear that you want it as much as she does, and will not fight over it.
Sorry for your bad day. Good advice from Chevelle, but I have a slight different opinion on one part for what it is worth. I haven't heard D yet, but I did go through this with the S, and I think it is similar enough.
Originally Posted By: strange
I say it's not so good because I got this via text message (SMS). She could'nt even be botherd to call me & say, hey we need to talk. Nope, I got the sms that says..."Need to talk to you about what you think on getting things sorted out with the divorce stuff"
Yeah, that stinks. But you already knew that she isn't concerned with you right now, or meeting your needs. So let it slide off the back. You are taking care of your needs, and there are people here who care about you. I know it hurts, but try not to dwell on that. You need to focus your time and energy elsewhere.
Originally Posted By: strange
Firstly I am not happy about marching onward & upward with this but I am comfortable with it & will not fight it.
Originally Posted By: strange
Anyway I would like some thought/advice on how to handle this when or if my W agrees to see me & talk.
My game plan right now is to be exactly the way I have been up to now & thats happy & up-beat about it all.
You don't have to be happy and upbeat abou this, you just need to be happy and upbeat generally (around her and for yourself - but fake it until you make it, if you must). Also, the onward and upward is you in your life, not getting a D.
Let me try to be more clear on that last point. I definitely agree you need to keep a PMA around W and not fight the D. But assuming you don't want the D, and I know you don't, at least now, "not fighting it" doesn't mean you have to or should do anything to advance it. Time is on your side so don't adnace the divorce ball. For example, if she asks and says when can we meet the L, don't rush to give her your availability. Say, I'll check my calendar and let you know. If she says, you need to prepare that inventory of assets, I would try not to commit to doing that (without being to direct), and I surely wouldn't prepare it. She wants the D, let her prepare it. You might just say "mmmm." Stall, delay, but be as not obvious as you can about it.
Do you have your own L? You will need to consult with one at some point. Tell him or her you do not want a D, so they don't work to hard or too fast to advance the ball. You are the client, they have to serve your interest.
Does that make sense?
Originally Posted By: strange
Which I must say at the moment, it appears that apart from making me feel better, the only effect it's had on my W, is she now thinks I'm ready her next phase of this mess
Who knows? Maybe? But as Chevelle said, you can trust what she says or much of what she does. The longer this takes, the better. Slow down the process as much as you can, while DBing (making the very limited interaction you have as positive as possible.) I think it is safe (or at least best) to assume that your actions, words are being noticed and considered. Your goal right now should be to plant just the tiniest seed of doubt in her mind about what you are doing. Be the best YOU you can be; and hopefully she will notice too.
Originally Posted By: strange
Second, & I would like some opinions on this...As it is now I will not except talking about this via sms or phone call. [. . .] My wife on the other hand appears to have issues with facing me & I see that as her problem that she must deal with. I would like to say to her, sure,no problem, we can talk either in this house or at a location of her choice but not by phone call.
My thought is don't be so direct with her. If you say that, it may feel like you are fighting her deliberately, and she may resent it. It may feel like you are trying to control her. I think I just would let her calls go into voicemail, and not return them. At least not quickly at all. Or call when you know she isn't home and leave a vm (or at her office at night or early am or over lunch). If you wait a week, she will realize she can't get anything done this way, and eventually I suspect she's come by. This has the added benefit of buying you time.
Do others agree with my stalling tactic? I think there is a difference between not fighting but not helping her make it happen.
Originally Posted By: strange
I have no problems in facing my W & talking about it this & going with it ( acting happily).
Again, don't be to eager to help her get a D; you don't have to go out of your way to get a D. For example, you don't have to agree to go to her L's office to sign papers. Let her bring them to you.
Originally Posted By: strange
As with my new improved self, I am always trying to see the positives in all situations that life throws my way, not sure about the positive/s in this just yet lol, but i'm sure there will be some.
The positive is the same as the overall big picture - although it took a terrible jolt/shock, you have been given the chance to take control of your own life/happiness, and to make it the one you want. You will have less regrets from this day forward than you would have living obliviously in your previous life (pre-bomb; pre-separation; pre-DB).
Hang in there mate! Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
My W has brought up D too, but just seems to keep putting it on the backburner...now, when she finally broke down to me after a R talk, she said it was demons from her past muddling her decisions of reconcilation. But at least she hasnt followed through with D yet.
I hear this type of thing a lot on these boards!
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
Point is Strange, dont believe a word of what comes out of a WAWs mouth until you physically see D papers in front of you
Good point, but instead of "until you see D papers in front of you," how about "until the D is final." And some people (some posters on this board) go farther than that, still DBing after a D. And there are post-D success stories!
Originally Posted By: Chevelle
Just follow through with her wishes but make it clear that you are not in favor of it, but you are going to make it appear that you want it as much as she does, and will not fight over it.
Allow me to propose some tweaking:
1. Don't follow through with her wishes; let her follow through. Just don't [obviously] fight her. Feet dragging is ok; not being available is ok; not accomodating is ok. But, obstructing, arguing, challenging, fighting, not ok.
2. Make it clear you are not in favor of it - excellent point. I forgot to mention that. When she brings it up, say, fine, you know I don't want a D, I would rather try to work on our problems, but I respect your choice and I am not going to stand in your way.
3. "you are going to make it appear that you want it as much as she does" - I think this conflicts with the advice C gave in point 2. I think you make it appear that you want fight her, not that you want a D. One poster's H said, "Fine, you want a D, knock yourself out." He didn't say, "Fine, I'll knock myself out helping you get it!"
Hope it helps, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Sorry about missing the not in the statement I wrote about wanting D as much as W does...I missed that, Nomo, thanks!
I do not, nor speculate that your W is a MLCer..or Mid Life Crisis..but something interesting that I have read on those boards is that the negatives is all that the WAW/WAH have to hinge upon when it comes to you. You have to let them slide off your back as Nomo said in order for her to have no reason to distance herself from you.
Eventually, they run out of negative leverage to put upon you, and start to look within themselves to see their part in this. If you, Strange, can show her the positive things about you and slide the negatives away, she will have no choice really but to look at you, not as a threat or the problem, but as someone who thinks she is better than how she feels right now, (and trust me....she probably feels real sh!tty about this) then you wont see the negatives barreling down on you, but on her as much as before.
Walk-aways, in general, seem to blame us, the LBS, since we have generally been the closest persons to them for a long time. So, in their minds, they justify blaming us for their problems and issues even if they were around before us. They assume, "Well, I have known them for most of my adult life, so I have permission to blame them and vent to them for how I feel!"
The hard part, Strange, and Nomo and chime in if Im overanalyzing...Im good at that..is that when something bad happens in a R or M, depending on severity, the WAS then feels that they need to see the entire M or R in a negative light.
Try asking a WAS shortly after a separation anything you can say positive about the LBS..they probably couldnt find many! They are flooded with negativity and need to process that before they can look at you with a good light.
Again, hope I didnt ramble on too much...Good Luck!
