I don't know what to do

[overit]

Hi,

I am a 29 year old woman who is married to a man who is a great husband in nearly all areas, but who has no sex drive whatsoever. I recently read The Sex Starved Marriage and I can't say how great it was to finally hear stories from other women who are in the same situation as me. Thank you Michelle for writing this book.

I won’t talk about how it feels to be a woman whose husband doesn’t want her because it feels the same as every woman in the book and probably on this forum has already said. It’s torture. But I will share my story, in the hope that some of you have some words of advice or support for me, both of which I could really use right now. I warn you that it’s a very long post but I need to get this out for my sake so I hope you can bear with me.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, since I was 18. When we met I was extremely sexually confident and used to being pursued by men. Without sounding like a total idiot I have always been considered desirable by men and have never had a problem with attracting attention. In fact, if anything I was tired of always being seen as an object rather than for who I was as a person, so when I realized this new guy didn't just want sex from me it was really attractive.

He was 10 years older than me and everything a girl would want in a guy, smart, successful, kind and funny and we had the same morals and values in life. He was a good influence on me and made me want to be a better person and I knew from very early on he was the man I would spend the rest of my life with.

Our first sexual encounter was kind of disappointing but I just put it down to being the first time. It was obvious that I was much more sexually confident than him and I now know that I totally freaked him out with what he saw as my aggresiveness. Being used to guys a bit younger I may have said some stupid and thoughtless remarks about him not being what I was used to and I now feel so bad about this and wish I could take it back. I have apologised a million times since but he has never forgotten or forgiven these comments and uses them as something to blame our problems to this day.

Aside from our sex life everything else about us was fantastic and we fell very deeply in love. At the time he was starting up a business so he was really busy and stressed and working all the time so when he finally came to bed he would pass out with exhaustion. Obviously I feel very hurt, confused and neglected about our lack of intimacy but he made up for it in other ways so I saw it as a temporary thing that we would get past. When I did bring it up he would get really defensive and it would start an argument so I tried to ignore it and hoped it would get better.

Obviously it didn't get better. His business went from strength to strength and we were living a great life. I had everything I could want but his time and intimate attention, but I loved him so much and in every other way we were so perfect, so I figured this was a lesson I needed to learn in life and dealt with it. In some ways I thought it was my punishment for being so sexually focused before him and figured that I was lucky to have found a man who loved me for other reasons. But still it was very hard to understand why he said he loved me but never wanted me and I felt very hurt and alone. But every time I would get upset about it in front of him he would get on the defensive and say I was obsessed with sex, or tell me he had enough things to deal with without me pressuring him all the time. He never once admitted there might be something wrong and the arguments never got us anywhere.

But still I stayed. He was such a good man and so right for me in every other way I just thought it would get better once he wasn't so busy and stressed.

When he proposed I was thrilled but in the back on my mind I knew this was an issue that had been getting worse over the last few years and may never get better. We were now making love every 2 to 3 months and he would not address the issue. Whenever I suggested seeing a Dr to check hormone levels or tried to bring up past issues that could have caused it he wouldn't even hear me out and I got so tired of arguing I just let it go in the hope that not bringing it up would help.

There was never any doubt I would marry him, even with our sex life as unsatisfying as it was. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else and any other man suiting me as much as he did. And the thought of not being with the man I loved just because of one thing (as big as it was) didn’t make sense. And again I hoped that it would get better, when he wasn’t so busy, or so stressed, or so reluctant to admit there was a problem. Our wedding day was one of the best days of my life and, thankfully, we consummated the marriage on our wedding night, which was a big worry of mine. The honeymoon was not so good though. We spent it in Paris and we didn’t make love once. He was worrying about the business, then he hurt his foot and was in pain, there was always a reason why it didn’t happen.

Five years of marriage and there was one reason after another why he didn’t feel like it, too much work, not enough work, too tired, too stressed, too damn proud to admit there was a problem and deal with it so he continued to ignore the problem in the hope it would go away.

But of course it didn’t, and the longer we left it the wider the gap grew and soon it became so uncomfortable even the thought of being intimate was nerve wracking. And all along we keep going like nothing was wrong and if you asked anyone that knew us they would say we had the marriage everyone wants. And the thing is, apart from that we did. We talked, we laughed, we cuddled, we supported each other, we understood each other. All except my need for sexual intimacy and his lack of it. And every time I would bring it up, which I did less and less, he would react the same way and it would achieve nothing. He would say ‘Why do you always have to talk about it, you’re obsessed (it had been 3 months) Or “If you’d just stop talking about it and leave it to me to initiate it would happen more” (it had been 4 months) So I did stop talking about it and he never initiated it once. And I used to say to him, worry about when I stop talking about it because then I’ll bottle up all this hurt and resentment until one day it explodes and I can’t get past it.

Also, during all this time his business was going through trouble, so the last thing I wanted was to be putting more stress and pressure on him. For once he had a genuine reason why he wouldn’t feel like it, so I stopped talking about it all together and tried to be the best emotional support I could be. And all this time, as neglected and lonely as I’ve felt, I’ve never cheated. I could never hurt him like that. There have been times when I could’ve but I thought about the repercussions and knew it wasn’t worth it. I would rather a sexless relationship with him than great sex with someone if it meant breaking his heart.

Which brings me to now. We have a 14 month old and we’ve made love once since I was 4 months pregnant. Getting pregnant was great, I guess he rose to the challenge of having a mission and it was the most active we’d ever been (once a week!). It was so great, it was the first time we’d have fun together in so long and it was like the bad energy, hurt and resentment had been lifted. I truly thought it could’ve been the start of a whole new chapter for us and I was so happy.

Unfortunately (but of course wonderfully!) I got pregnant in 5 weeks so the fun didn’t last long. As soon as we found out it was off again, he didn’t like the idea of making love while there was a baby there, even before I was showing. I was really disappointed but I was tired and didn’t feel like it much so it wasn’t at the top of my priorities anyway. But what I did miss was the intimacy of him enjoying my developing body. There was never a time when he looked at my naked body and said how beautiful I looked, never a caress. But I guess I never had that before so I was used to it. I just hoped we would regain our new found ‘mojo’ after the baby was born and I looked forward to that day. (I’m starting to feel like I might be the eternal optimist!)

That day came after my three month check up. I had discussed making love with my husband before hand and he said it was totally up to me to say when I felt ready. For the first time I thought how nice it was to have a husband who wasn’t pressuring me! So when I felt ready I worked up the courage to initiate it one night and to my horror he told me he didn’t feel like it. I feel like I had been hit by a truck. After all the trauma of giving birth, stiches, changing body, breastfeeding, sleeplessness and the emotional upheaval of becoming a mum I finally felt ready to be vulnerable to him and he turned me down?

I sobbed all night and decided I would never open myself up for that kind of hurt and rejection ever again, and I haven’t. Which is why we haven’t been physically intimate at all since that day.

But whereas before he was affectionate and loving in other ways, which made it bearable, now there is nothing. Amongst all the business of having a baby we have lost all the insignifigant affection that kept me hanging on. And I know I’m partly to blame for that, I feel so much resentment towards him I don’t give him the cuddles and things I used to. Why should I when he refuses to give me what I want. I just feel like something has switched in me, and the anger and hurt of all these years has boiled over, just like I warned him it would.

And I just don’t understand it any of it. In all other areas he is kind and compassionate but in this situation he seems to not even care what this is doing to me, to us. I mean, how arrogant can someone be to hear you’re unhappy about something for so long and never do a damn thing to change it? I would do anything to make him happy, but he continues to ignore me and hope that one day I will just accept the situation and shut up about it. And he’s basically said that “Why can’t you just accept me the way I am? he says. But what does that mean? Accepting a life without sex? Why should I, and why would he want that for me, or him? That’s a pretty huge thing to ask of someone, even when they love you that much.

But I do. And I know you can’t change people, you can only change yourself. So I feel like I’m left with the choice of staying and accepting a marriage that will never be truly happy and fulfilling, or leaving the man I love, the father of my baby and the life I know.

And what do I tell people? That I’m leaving because my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me? It is such a huge secret, such a burden to carry around. So I sit with other Mums talking about how they can’t get their husbands off them and I lie and complain about it along with them. So I have no support for my feelings, I can’t share this pain and grief with anyone and I would never want to hurt and humiliate him by telling people. Although sometimes I get so angry I threaten to.

And still, knowing I have reached this point and how unhappy I am he still won’t do anything about it. I asked him to read the book and he finally did read it. He told me he understood and would try to work on it, we had sex once and I prayed this was the answer I was looking for. That was 6 weeks ago and it has not been mentioned since. I tried to bring it up but now he’s really busy with work and says I’m bothering him when he’s already stressed.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT MORE I CAN DO.

I have asked that we get counselling but he won’t go. I know how hard it must be for a man to deal with this situation but is it so hard he’d rather lose me than deal with it? Is his pride that strong?

When we’re good we have such a great marriage I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to fix this as much as I do. I don’t need to be having mind blowing sex every night, I just want to share an intimacy with my husband that I don’t share with anyone else. I want to be kissed, touched and held. And I’m worried that if something doesn’t change soon I will start to look for it elsewhere and I know that will only end in disaster.

I feel so helpless, like my life is not in my control. I feel angry that he has made me feel like I have to beg him, I feel sad that it has come to this, I feel a million things but have no outlet for those feelings.

If you have read to this point, thankyou for sticking with me! Any advice or words of encouragement would be much appreciated.

Thanks. x

[AmbientCoast]

Woo. That's a scarily similar story to mine. I have absolutely zero advice to offer you (someone'll more experienced will be on here later, though), but it sometimes helps to know that other people are going through the same thing.

My wife, your husband - separated at birth? Maybe.

Anyhoo, I know exactly, to-the-letter, how you feel. Only wish I could offer you more...

[overit]

thanks, just reading those words makes me feel less alone.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Overit.

I feel for you and your situation. I understand how painful it is.

You married him knowing this was a preexisting issue. Why did you do this? Did you think you would change him?

I rarely say this, but I think you should move toward divorce asasp. Do NOT have an affair while you go through the process. Do not take your husband to the cleaners financially, that wouldn't be fair to him or you.

You could resolve the situation by deciding to be mostly celibate, but that is unrealistic.

The lesson, don't marry someone then expect to change them into what you really wanted. It doesn't work.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[Heywyre]

Overit - you need to read my thread and also any threads/posts from GEL (Greeneyedlass)

We are both dealing with men with Madonna/Whore complex and it sounds like you H might have the same thing

My thread is in SSM under Madonna/Whore complex and we are already onto part 5 - lol. VERY interesting subject I might add

Take care

[overit]

Nopkins - thanks for your advice but it's not really that helpful. If I thought it was that easy to just get a divorce I wouldn't be here. Yes maybe I should have thought more about the future repercussions before I got married but the fact is I was deeply in love with him and I thought that was enough. I did not expect him to change but I thought our SL problems were due to current work circumstances and that when they got better so would we. But you can't turn back time and as we now we have a child I have more than just my needs to consider. Also, he is a wonderful father and a good man so i have no intentions of taking him to the cleaners financially.

I just want to hear some positive stories of others who have been in my situation and have found a way to both be happy. I am hoping desperately there are those stories out there.

Heywyre -thanks for posting. I have read some of your posts but need to read more to decide if my H has this complex. I guess it doesn't matter what you call it, I just want to find a way to fix it!

Any more advice from those in my situation would be much appreciated.

[Heywyre]

Take the time to read through the posts Overit - both GEL and I are going through it but GEL is much further along than I am but there is definitely a brighter future for both of us and for you too

[Greeneyedlass]

overit,

Definitely read though our posts...and give us more detail on your situation. Perhaps we can help guide you, even if your situation doesn't fit perfectly with ours.

I've gone from a H who would totally avoid me sexually and used the internet to meet his needs...to having an H who is now PARTICIPATING in our relationship in more ways than just sexually. Because of his W/M (or just that way of thinking) he's still learning to be comfortable thinking that sex is a positive thing in our marriage, but he's making great improvements and the more comfortable he becomes...the more blatant his sexual expression towards me becomes. It may never be like what I've experienced in the past with other men, but he's not them...and our relationship is now much better than I ever thought it could be.

There is definitely hope for you...but know up front, it will take a lot of work on your end along with patience, persistence, and consistency.

GEL

[cac4]

well, I dont' see anything in your post that would indicate M/W syndrome. not all LDH's have m/w. But certainly, read through those threads and see if you think any of it applies.

I also don't get why NOP would say what he did. Never said that to me, and your sitch doesn't really sound much different than mine. just change the genders around. Maybe I should get a D, too (?)


well, we've made a lot of progress in recent months, because W finally "got it". This seems to me to be the key issue; they (LD spouse) don't "get it" right away. There doesn't seem to be any foolproof method of getting through...or maybe there is, and "we" don't get THAT. \/\/hatever. You gave him the book. He read it. You've told him...he says he gets it; nothing changes. I don't think he "gets" it.
I think its just really really hard to understand a foreign love language. (read the book, "the five love languages" if you haven't already). We filter everything through our own point of view...our own LL...we can read the words, hear the words, repeat them back, but somehow, something just doesn't click.

I wish I had more advice for you, but as you can probably see, I don't understand it, either.

[Greeneyedlass]

Cac4 this is of course true "not all LDH's have m/w." I don't believe anyone was saying that all LDH's have W/M...there are just too many variables to consider for each situation. I wouldn't hesitate even to say that most LDH's don't have W/M.

Personally I don't think her H has this either.