NikkiB #16

[NikB]

Nick, jak, ST, Donna, JDK - thanks for checking in! I'll reply first then post the latest news.. we finally talked about what's really going on, and it's pretty upsetting. I could definitely use some guidance on what next.

Since most of the replies were on the same topics I'll reply by topic rather than individually.

My dad is doing great!! I can't believe how quickly he's up and around, but I'm so relieved. Hope he uses this as a wake up call to get back to healthier eating and exercise.

About the party - I really like the idea of going, but having a "code word" if we want to leave. If that still makes sense by the date of the party (thought it was this Friday but it's actually next), I'll give that a try.

Donna - thanks so much! Yeah, not paved with gold by any means (more in a minute). This is harder than I ever imagined. I do have Xanax actually. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital last December with the first of the panic attacks, and have had it since then. I hadn't taken any in a long time but I may have to consider it again. Had 2 more attacks last night. The pup is doing pretty good - the second mouth surgery seemed to really knock her for a loop more so than the first one, which is kind of a bummer, but she's recovering. The fish on the other hand are doing very well and growing like crazy! I'll drop you an email today - thanks.

-----------
So on to today's update.. things have continued to just feel "off" and it has really been getting to me. H asked for the phone bill again so I printed it off yesterday and gave it to him. He read it over and threw it away, no comment. I thought that was odd but didn't push anything on it. Then he invited me out for pizza and to go with him to look for shoes, which we did. Had fun but again just felt this massive distance.

Last night we worked together to list some stuff on eBay. He's clearing a bunch of stuff out of the garage and selling it for racecar money (although I admit, fleeting thoughts of "he's selling it to make truly moving out easier" have been going through my head).

Late last night / this morning.. more nightmares, more anxiety attacks. YUCK. Then this morning I noticed H's ring is off again. I really didn't want to start ANOTHER R talk but I can't keep going on with no clue where we stand, so I talked to him. Here's how it went:

Me: H, I noticed that you're not wearing your ring.
H: Oh yeah I forgot to put it back on, it's in the truck.
Me: Well.. it's not so much the ring, I keep feeling this distance, like something is really "off" - do you feel it too? [I should have started with this I think, the ring isn't the issue]
H: I should have waited the 6 months. I'm having a really rough time. I feel like I gave up on myself.
(I resisted bursting into tears here... patting myself on the back for that becuase it was HARD)
Me: Wow, I'm sorry.
H: It was just too hard. Too hard to be away from home, be afraid of being alone. I came home because I couldn't do it. It was too hard to do it the other way. [implying going through with a D, I think, but I'm not sure]. I've been talking to my sister and that's freaking me out too.
Me: I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I really do want us both to be happy. I think we can build a happy M together but I don't want to be together just because it's easier. [I didn't really say this the way I wanted to]
H: I know. I'm trying, I just feel like I gave up on myself.
[I had no idea how to respond to that, so I just held his hand with one hand and rubbed his back with the other - he was sitting close to me and kept grabbing my hand, and seemed to appreciate this, so I went with it...after a long pause...]
Me: I felt like we were getting closer and doing better for a month or so there.
H: Yeah I was focusing on the racecar.
Me: It was just the car? I felt you and I were getting a lot closer too.
[I know.. too many questions]
H: Yeah. I'm still trying.

... we kind of left it there, normal before work small talk and then H left for work.

After he left I realized I forgot to thank him for opening up to me, so I called him:

Me: I forgot to tell you something - thanks for talking to me about all that. Thanks for sharing that with me.
H: [very kind tone] Thanks for asking me.
[I felt really good about this - one problem before was me not being very sensitive to his emotions]

I forget exactly how it went but I asked if he thought seeing the MC again might be a good idea and he said he'd been thinking about that. He wasn't ready to make an appointment yet, but I am hoping.

So... I guess my question is, what now??

Part of wonders, do I go back to something resembling LRT? Or is that just distancing to protect myself??

Another part feels this sense of urgency to share 5LL and get us into the MC... so we can get on a positive track while we're both "trying." (so that we're not "trying" in ineffective ways, like we apparently were before)

Another part feels like just giving up. I feel very, very unloved at the moment. YUCK to the fact that he's here with me because it was "easier."

I am feeling pretty down about our R/M right now but relieved that we finally got it out in the open.

What next? I have no idea. Any suggestions are much appreciated.