You know what is strange? Sometimes I envy the ones who are moving forward and getting out of limbo land. I often wonder what it would be like if I took the steps to end all of it. What if I filed and made it easier on H? Then I wonder if that is what he really wants.
Sometimes I think he doesn't know what he wants. He will act distant and then do something to make me feel like hanging on longer.
UA, you don't want to switch places with me. All this waiting makes a person go crazy. I will never be the same again when all of this is said and done. I have become stronger but that is only on the outside. The inside of me is a little girl who goes home each day and cries herself to sleep. I have to pretend I am doing good. I have to sometimes lie to people and tell them that I am ok with the way things are going when I am not.
I try to show strength on these boards because that is what I feel is expected of me. I have good days and bad days. I have learned to put up a wall on my feelings at times.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I had no contact with H at all. I do better not knowing what he is doing. But then again, when I don't talk to him for a few days, I tend to get weak and that is when my mind starts playing tricks on me. I start thinking the worst about everything.
So see, even though your situation is further along than mine, I am still living in hell at times. My life isn't any better than anyone else's on here. I have just learned to live with it. I can curl up and say screw everything or I can try and make the best of it. I choose to live my life and not go into a shell. Maybe that is my mistake. Maybe I should just give up and live the rest of my life as a hermit!!!
