Hi everyone, in a couple of months I will be joining your ranks. I thought I'd pop over and meet the new neighbours early. I'll give a quick orientation to my sitch, for those lucky enough to have missed it! W and I have been married 17 years, 2 D's 10 & 13. Three and half years ago W said "I don't know how I feel about you, or the kids, anymore". two and a half years ago W said "I don't love you anymore" and one and half years ago W said "I'm in a R with someone else", turned out to be her best girlfriend! Through this I have stayed loyal and worked to win back this R, to no avail. She has refused MC a few times. I've DB'd, GAL'd etc and last week I concluded that enough was enough. I told her that we were done, I wanted to sit down and work out a separation plan for the end of June and was targeting the end of August for the actual separation. She agreed to this arrangement (so this week she goes out and buys a patio set????). So, last week I spent getting re-aquainted with the feelings of grief,fear and guilt. This week, who knows. Our M has been in the crapper for at least five years, W's idea of working on things was to complain about me and refuse to work together to change anything. But, that is water under the bridge. I guess I'm looking for guidance from those who are where I am heading. It's a whole new world to me, one I thought I'd never see. I've been steadfast in my commitment to winning back my M and keeping my family together. Apparently, I need a new dream. Any thoughts or guidance in regards to where I'm going next in this journey would be appreciated. I wish I could ask for more specific guidance but...never been there, never done this, never wanted to but what is is! Thanks.
You're in good company with those of us who thought we'd never be here. It's a hard fight, I'm not going to lie. But the people here are great.
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
hey whatisis, I "witness" a bit of your fight, and you worked and fought hard for your M, there shouldn't be any regrets in your part, just wanted to let you know that I'll keep you in my prayers and you find a new road for yourself, you deserve it.
All I can suggest is, when the separation does happen, that you decide to be happy every morning, regardless of the sitch, that you refuse to loose the day to misery.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I don't really wanna welcome you whatisis but welcome.
This sucks
well said
H-36 W-38 Married 14yrs Together 17 2 Children (D12, S15) 9/20/05 - Seperated 4/23/07 - Dbomb dropped 4/25/07 - I Love you, not in love "If it's not hard, it's not worth fighting for."
Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. I'm sorry to be here too but, you know what, I'd rather be here than continuing to live the life I have been leading. I sometimes wonder how or if I will DB once this is done. I guess it's too far in the future right now, I have to get through getting an agreement with her. At least she has agreed to separate and is willing to have a written agreement. I was concerned that she would just say "if you want to leave, then leave" and I'd be stuck without a separation agreement. If that had happened, there would be no way i'd walk out that door and leave myself open to all sorts of legal and financial sh!t. So, right now, I believe we can do this properly. I told her I wanted our decisions to be based on what is best for our children (of course, having two loving parents in the same home would be the best option!) and I set timelines that would allow for thoughtful decisions to be made. I've tried to be mature and loving through this, hard to do when your emotions are jumping all over the place. Well, enough for tonight. Later new neighbours!
While you're getting to know your new neighbors, doncha forget the old ones ... 'kay?!
Thanks for the comments on muh thread, BTW ... much appreciated!
One of the big things in DB'ing (IMHO) is to protect yourself, legally. You're not going to get anywhere by being a doormat to the WAS, in the hopes they will change their mind. No way! They have to feel the consequences of their choices. It's the only way they will learn and grow. So, you are doing a kindness to your W, by protecting yourself, and ultimately, the children too.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You never forget your friends, Being Me! I'm wondering about what to tell the kids when the time for "the talk" comes. I know all the "mom and dad love you" and "you did nothing wrong" stuff but I'm thinking about how honest you are about what has happened. It's one thing to say mom and dad are separating but to point to an A and or say that mom loves another woman, whew, that is overwhelming for me let alone for a 10 and 13 year old. I mean, if they ask why we can't work it out what do you so? Mom's queer? Mom's an unfaithful adulteress? I dunno. Part of this is to maintain the balance in the decision. It is a joint decision but it's based on the absolute immoral actions of one person! What do you say? If the kids ask "did you go for counselling", what do you say "Mom wouldn't go"? W may not even want to expose her A at this point, do I let that happen or do I start a pre-separation feud? I'm lost,lost, lost. Any ideas out there?
Let her answer the questions. You simply state "your mother doesn't want to be married to me anymore based on her actions and we need to separate. I love her dearly but she doesn't return that feeling.". Small people only need to know small details. I really hope she knows how much this is going to bite her in the @ss when they reach majority and can see for themselves with their own adult minds what happened.
I must say, this Separated thread sure is a hopping place to be! I'm used to the old "I'm thinking about leaving" thread, a low traffic area, a nice but quiet neighbourhood which has a dark cloud hanging overhead. I'm getting jet lag from moving over here. The posts just keep zipping by! Now, Beachboy thanks for the input. The problem I am finding is that "the talk" is supposed to be a building block to keeping healthy what's left of the family thing. By passing out blame or just allowing her to explain (which says "she's to blame", which she is BTW) then we are not united in dealing with the kids. The kids don't need to hate their mom (that's my job ) but how do you make an A a "positive" thing, and why would you want to? It's rough. Yes, I'd love to say "you made your bed now deal with it" but that's not fair to my kids. I chose to end the R and I did so because I could no longer accept the lifestyle my W has brought to our family, but she has also agreed to end the M. I'm stumped. I hope my babbling is making some sense, it's just the jet lag from my move to separated.
