Thank you for all for your continued concern about my sitch. I have just had SO much coming at me over the past 30 days, that I needed to regroup a little and search my heart, in prayer, for:
a) what God was trying to tell me; and
b) what it is I wanted -- specifically, did I WANT to even be married to Mrs. Choc. anymore.
After staring down the barrel of divorce over the past 24 hours (who knew it was a $2,500 retainer, just to get started???), and after much anguish, soul-searching and talking with my wife, here is where we are:
1. We want to work at this, and are committed to doing so.
2. My wife is seeking out a counsellor, on her own, to hopefully help her with some of her issues.
3. She cut off the romantic part of her relationship (which she still insists was far less than I think it was) sometime in the past two weeks, but wasn't going to give me the satisfaction of knowing that, as she was pissed with me for confronting and exposing her.
4. Although she told the OM that it was over appr. 2 weeks ago, she said to me on Sunday that "I need to have another conversation with him so that he's clear, because I still don't think he understands" that she can no longer train with him, nor communicate with him. She did say that she will not quit her job, and she will SEE him sometimes at the gym, as their shifts coincide a couple of days each week, but she will no longer train with him, despite the fact that he's been a big help to getting her in shape, and will no longer communicate with him outside of work (cellphone, home phone, text messages). I know this falls short of "ABSOLUTELY ZERO CONTACT" that I'm shooting for, but it is what it is, it's a huge step over where she was, and I also think he'll react poorly to it and his "true colors" will show very soon anyway.
(UPDATE: just checked her cellphone, and OM left a v-mail message that indicates he is, indeed, reacting poorly to this)
5. We are fully reevaluating our finances, and EVERYTHING is on the table, and we are going to go on a BUDGET. She agreed to a less expensive car, and we agreed to try to sell our house if we can find something smaller and more affordable that's suitable. She agreed to work more hours. We agreed to DE-CLUTTER the house, and get rid of a lot of the krap.
6. As part of this long talk last nite, I laid out for her in the strongest terms I ever have in 20 years, the intense pain and overall unacceptability of continuing to live in an affectionless, sexless marriage. She asked me if I wanted a divorce, and I said "want?" "No, I wouldn't say 'want,' and I think my actions -- even if you've disagreed with some of them -- over the past month DEMONSTRATES that I don't 'want' to end our marriage. But what I am saying this weekend is, Mrs. Choc., that I WILL no longer live in a marriage where you make so little effort to meet my needs." I told her that she had given me a list of things she wanted ME to work on, 3 years ago, and I pointed out to her where I had worked on each and every one of them. Not perfectly, but with genuine effort, and with quite a bit of progress, too. I then reminded her of my 'LIST OF ONE', and asked her how I was supposed to interpret her TOTAL LACK OF EFFORT at meeting it, despite my having told her clearly a dozen times in 20 years, including "letting you see my intense, deep pain on this very bed 5 years ago." "How am I supposed to interpret that, Mrs. Choc., OTHER than assuming you don't want to be married anymore?" She got VERY quiet, listened to everything I was saying (this went on a good 20 minutes, just on this one subject), and then finally said quietly "I didn't think you wanted me anymore." I got angry, and said "What??! How many times, despite all of your rejection, did I tell you how pretty you were, how fit and sexy you were, etc.?" And she just said quietly "I just thought you were being nice." I told her that her behavior was "BULLCHIT", and that "you want to be chased, but you do not want to be caught. You want to be sex-Y, but you don't want to have to have actual SEX with me." and "even the dogs at the dogtrack, they let catch those little wooden bunnies every now and again, or they will stop chasing," and I told her that, yes, 5 years ago, I stopped chasing. I asked her how in the world she thought any reasonable man would do anything OTHER than stop initiating, after not only getting rejected for sex, but "I even have to damned near TRIP you in the kitchen or the hallway, just to get a hug or a kiss from you." She said "I'm sorry that I do that."
I asked her what emotional needs of hers that I was not meeting. It was mainly "quality time" and she complained that I spent so much time volunteering with baseball, and on my computer when I'm home, that I had been so "distant" with her. I told her that I could easily work on that, and that I had ONLY done that in the past 3 years or so, as GAL stuff, in response to her repeated rejections. She seemed to understand.
She also said her oft-repeated "I can't do 'this' anymore, which I pressed her on. "You keep saying that, Mrs. Choc. -- what, exactly, do you mean by 'this'?" She would say "WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK, AND WE'RE BACK IN THIS PLACE AGAIN??" I told her that "As near as I can tell, the only 'this' that there is, and what makes you so unhappy and so uncomfortable, is the extent to which I bring up MY unhappiness in our marriage once every 3 years."
I let that sink in for awhile, and said "Because we really don't have ANY other serious problems. You just seem to freak out and can't deal with the fact that I have some unmet needs, and that I insist that you try to meet them." She largely agreed, and throughout this WHOLE monthlong ordeal, she has NEVER been able to adequately articulate to me just what it is that I'm doing "wrong", other than "we're just so distant", and "damage has been done," and "we live like brother and sister," etc. I angrily told her "Well, that's YOUR issue, not mine, as you have made it painfully clear that you wanted to live that way," but then I backed off.
Finally, I asked her why she was having this 2nd talk with OM, and telling him that she couldn't train with him anymore, and couldn't communicate with him outside of work. She said "What do you mean?" I said, "Why are you doing that?" She seemed perplexed, and said "Isn't that what you want?" And I said "Yes, but I want to know why you think you need to do that." And she said "Because it's important to you, and I need to work at our marriage."
(UPDATE: that voicemail message from OM would seem to indicate that she responded to pressure from both me AND him in this regard, and he was getting angry about her pulling away from him, and reacting badly.)
To which I said "Thank you. That's all I've been asking for."
She had to go, as her parents are coming over (they are fence-mending today as well), but said "Choc., whatever happens between us, I need to base it on what Mrs. Choc. needs, not on some guy. I realized that I needed to end it with him so that I could make clear decisions." I validated the wisdom of that conclusion, and told her "I felt strongly that you needed to make clear decisions, and that romantic feelings put people in a 'fog', and that they put the other spouse also in a 'fog', and that we both needed the clarity of decision-making right now, and needed to to work at our marriage 'free of the fog.'" She didn't necessarily agree that she has been in a "fog," but I didn't really expect her to.
I reaize that this falls short of the "ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT" that NOP and I are working for, and I'm frustrated that it's not a 100% clean break. But I think I can work from this. This is huge, huge, HUGE for this stubborn Italian woman that is the enigma known as "Mrs. Chocolateeyes". Sometimes I think you have to look back at what you DID win, and not just forward at what you have LEFT to win, and what has happened in just the past 30 days is:
1. I have confronted her, after 5 years of passivity on my part(the attempt 3 years ago was pretty hackneyed), and have told her that "I will no longer live in a sexless, affectionless marriage."
2. I have confronted her on an inappropriate relationship, an affair, with another man, and I have never wavered in my insistence of "This is disprespectful of me, it is disrespectful of our marriage, and it is disrespectful of our family, and it needs to stop -- NOW." And she has stopped it (which I will verify).
3. I have shown her my willingness to expose that to those that she cares about the most, and to generally do "whatever it takes" when it comes to our marriage and our family. I may have wavered in my emotionalism with her twice in the 30 days, but ONLY twice, and I have NEVER wavered in either speech or actions in this matter.
4. I have shown her that while I do not WANT divorce, it is an option for me if she tries to "cake-eat" again, and place anyone before her husband.
5. I have shown her, with ony a few fall-of-the-wagon angry/hurtful moments, an ability to love and forgive, WHILE NOT WAVERING IN MY INSISTENCE, and to show genuine care for her.
6. I have shown her that I am willing to "call her on her B.S.," a phrase that I actually used with her last night.
7. I have shown her that I am no longer willing to provide things for her that we cannot afford, and she has agreed to put EVERYTHING on the table, including her beloved Beemer.
8. I have shown her a strong Christian faith and profession, and have prayed with her during this -- something we hadn't done in years.
9. I have insisted that she get counseling this time, and she has agreed and has set up the appointment. I'm hoping that I can help her locate someone with a strong pro-marriage approach, and one consistent with SSM and Harley.
10. I have confessed to her my own faults and sins in this. My pridefulness, my physical and emotional neglect, and my cowardice for not facing our problems more head-on in the past. I did NOT merely beat her over the head with all of her own shortcomings, but I did live up to mine.
11. Finally, I have shown her that I'm willing -- and able -- to let her "wallow in her own chit" if necessary for her to deal with her issues, and to stop RESCUING her all the time from the consequences of her actions.
That's where we are at, guys. A huge, LONG row to hoe ahead of us, but at least now squarely pointed in the right direction, and both determined to work at it TOGETHER.
I will continue to monitor all home phone, cellphone, keylogger and occasional visual surveillance for the next 30 days or so, to verify the "no personal contact" thing. She told me that "you may see just a few calls today and tomorrow as I tell him that I can't train with him anymore," and I told her that that should only take ONE call, and a brief one at that. I could hold super-firm to that, but I do kinda think the little pimple is gonna melt down and go all nasty/needy/grabby with her over this, I really do. hee hee
Her mood last night was totally despondent/depressed, which is script, and thankfully NOP prepared me for that, or I might have freaked out. In fact, there have been a LOT of things that he has prepared me for that would have otherwise knocked me off my Plan, and I am so thankful for the help that he has given me, and the support and encouragement from all of you.
