Sorry if I offended. I didn't mean to lump you in with that other group that I mentioned. There a special bunch, let me tell ya. To generalize, I'd say that the typical story over there has a couple of key differences from yours. yes, your sitch is quite common, mommy-stuff and all...but you didn't "get it" before...then you did. THEY got it all along, and refused to change. They are steadfast in their righteousness..."H isn't worthy". I know they "got it" because of their earlier rants (and this is typical...same story, over and over), about dh "whining" about how hurt he is, and "boo freakin' hoo; I got dishes to do" is all they could say. Then, they're *shocked* when something bad happens. And I don't mean to "excuse" affairs..(I don't). .that isn't always the ending; often, he just "suddenly" files for divorce. "whatever". doesn't matter. its the "suddenly" part that I laugh at. Because no, you can't tell me that you can withold all affection for years on end, and not "just know". They "knew"; they simply refuse to acknowledge the need for physical affection as legitimate. "selfish", "childish", "immature", even "deviant" are words they use to describe a healthy, normal, male sex drive. (its all right out of Dr. Laura, btw )
all true about poor old Cemar. But I can imagine that he's tried, and felt like he's talking to a brick wall, because I've felt like that myself. as have many others here.
Well, on someone else's thread (can't remember who) we were kind of discussing how we were "taught" to look at and perceive sex as we grew up.
So the scenerio kind of goes (as for how I saw my parents/my mom and therefore what my role was) was I was the mom, I took care of the household, the children, etc., but sex was not something discussed, it was something that was almost perceived as dirty, it was something that I was not brought up to realize was such a fundamental and big part of a marriage. I didn't realize truly until recently how much deeper and more emotional sex is than just the physical part. Does that make sense? It wasn't that I felt my not wanting to have sex was more important than H's wanting sex. Also, once you get into a routine or a way of life almost, which was going to bed, not taking the time to have sex, etc., and your H seems almost acceptable of that because he in hind-sight has just maybe given up trying, why would you change that?
I think you can increase desire by changing your way of thinking and acting. Like I said before, I'm more of the type that the more S in my R, then I want it more. The more time that tends to go in between times or whatever, then my interest wanes.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
You know I LOVE YOU don't you LOL. You've helped me understand way more from my H's POV about just about everything.
Honestly my H NEVER at any time ever tried the way you have with BB to tell me anything he felt. Now I KNOW if he had I would have listened and done like cadesmom changed my own thinking and would have loved him to show me the desire you've shown BB.
I think from BB's POV she's past the age she really thinks sex is as important and the fact you've been together so long makes her feel secure that no matter how much you tell her YOUR needs she feels validated in her own POV.
You've never cheated in the past so she feels safe that no matter how much you complain you'll never actually follow through either with an A or leave.
I wish she could see that age doesn't have to be a barrier to enjoying sex. Know all the health problems don't help.
Until you pointed out that men want the emotional connetion when they ML I honestly thought it was more just women that needed that. Thought it was enough for a man just to have the orgasm so they could do that alone. Mind you I can do that alone too LOL and it isn't the same. You were spot on so 100% marks.
Don't know if BB will ever see the light and unless you really do drop the "bomb" maybe she never will.
Lou, I posted to you earlier up above too, not sure if you saw it or not.
I guess for a long time I felt like shmagic about only women needing the emotional connection. I had no idea that guys needed/wanted it to.
Sorry, I've been a bit defensive here today guys. Sore subject. I'm still dealing w/ my issues as far as not being the only dummy in my M, but seemingly the only one who will step up and do anything to keep it together. He just kind of "decided" to stay -- really don't even know what changed his mind. So, yeah, feeling it a bit today. Hope I didn't offend anyone.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Cadesmom While I was typing my response 3 other posts popped up including yours I was just as blind as you as sex was never discussed openly the way it is now.
I had so many stupid ideas about what was important in a M. I thought being a good housewife keeping the house clean and tidy was the most important aspect of being a good wife. Sex was never entered into the equation.
I enjoyed sex but placed less importance on that than the house being tidy and the dinner made etc.
Now I know from a mans POV great sex means who gives a s*** if the house is untidy but from my POV at the time I honestly thought being a good wife was doing all the housework stuff.
Knowing what I know now I wish I could relive my life and things would be soooo different.
In so saying great sex doesn't always mean great relationship. Lots of guys still cheat when they have great sex at home so not the only factor in affairs.
Cadesmom don't worry about offending anyone we're all pretty thick skinned around here.
I don't think you ever offended me. Not even close. I see something that I think/feel needs a push in a slightly different direction, so I blow on it and try to get it to go in what "I" see as a correct path.
If you want to, you can blow the conversation in a path you see as correct.
Now I am winded I also have to go on a service call.
Hairdog, I say things to CeMar...knowing full well, he's not going to listen...so sometimes I just say it for the benefit of other posters who may be reading.
I've for the most part given up on actually trying to get through to HIM. That's why I still respond to some of his stuff...believe me, I don't post even a minute portion of what goes through my brain.
Luckily, it didn't quite work out that way for me, but I can say that I told my W many, many times over the years. She just didn't get it. I guess her seeing some of the posts that I've made here over the years is what finally got it to sink in. I don't know...I didn't really "do" anything. So I certainly don't have any suggestions of what anyone can "do" to get it to sink in to the LDS's head. But it seems that they typically only react to something big. hence the term, "bomb".
Ummm....wellll...I don't agree. You probably thought you were telling me in a way that I understood, but I did not understand. You are, in fact, a self-professed dismissive-avoidant and we've discussed here that your typical method of communication was sarcasm. I can say that you never sat me down, looked me in the eyes, and told me in plain English (with no sarcasm) heart-to-heart fashion that you felt that way. Nor did you ever write me a letter as some of the HD men here on this board have to their wives.
Only when I started lurking on your boards and got a glimpse of your thoughts did I get it. Your posts were still quite sarcastic a lot of the time, but I still was able to see the pain behind the sarcasm, which just was not possible when I heard those painful words face to face, and yes, those words were EXTREMELY painful to me. If Cemar is speaking to his wife in this fashion, then that could explain why she isn't getting it either. Perhaps she needs to start lurking here.
Thank you, Mrs.Cac, finally another woman who will *validate* what I have been trying to say. My H felt he had tried to tell me, but in a way or ways that weren't getting through.
It's got to be a sit down, look me in the eye, type of conversation where the man tells his wife how he is feeling. Now, granted, I'm not going to say she isn't going to get angry or defensive at first, but if he goes about it the right way, with the "I feel blah blah blah" stuff not "you don't blah blah blah" maybe when she has time to digest it and it sinks in (and this is the important part) HOW VERY SERIOUS the sitch is, hopefully she will want to make changes. Once she makes those changes, I believe she will be happier too. When she realizes the intimacy and closeness she's been missing as well, the changes should be lasting because she wants it this "new" way.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
) 
I also have to go on a service call.