What's going on in her head? Anyone?

[MJontheMend]

I really wasn't trying to defend Cemar. He needs no defense. His arguments are circular and flawless.

I think your H is an *ss for cheating on you but that is something apart from the sex drive dilemma. Here is my minor problem with your "I didn't know how rejected he felt" defense. Let's suppose that he didn't actually feel rejected. Let's suppose he just plain wanted to get laid within the confines of his (theoretically) monogamous relationship with you. In a sense, you are arguing that his desire to have sex only becomes more important than your desire not to have sex if he has hurt feelings associated with sexual rejection. It is %100 true that HD spouses do have hurt feelings of rejection BUT why is the revelation of these feelings necessary as a motivation for sexual behavior from their spouse? I personally believe that in most cases revealing these feelings of rejection may help the relationship become closer but will do little to increase desire. If Cemar wants increased "desire" from his W as opposed to just increased sexual activity, he will only achieve that goal by dropping a "bomb". However, I do also believe that "desire" is a squishy kind of thing to want from somebody. It supposes some sort of absence of something to be desired, but it's not like you can just walk further and further away from somebody crying out "Do you desire me now?" and achieve that result. Unfortunately, it is often the absence of attention that creates the void in which desire can form. When the HD spouse no longer cares and feelings of rejection no longer exist, the LD spouse discovers desire.

What I'm trying to say is that to the extent that the HD spouse does feel rejection, the HD spouse will unconsciously project a desire to maintain the relationship and the LD spouse will feel secure in the relationship and therefore "desire" nothing further to promote that feeling of security.