Did you read my last post? Lack of desire on my part to answer your last silly question. Has nothing to do w/ anything here.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
GEL, why do you bother? Is it that you know cemar in another context and want desperately to see his marriage improve? You are in so many other ways a reasonable, insightful, and intelligent woman. Why do you take his bait time after time?
well, in Cemar's defense (again ) I will say that you can tell the LD person again and again, until you're blue in the face, how awful it is; they'll generally not hear you...until they do...which often only happens by way of the "bomb", like with cadesmom, and so many others. Hat on, suitcase in hand, on their way out the door. "see ya". "oh. NOW I get it..." too late. This other forum I used to frequent...mostly women, actually, who are overly-focused on mommy-dom, etc, etc...I'd see these stories all the time. they're actually quite proud of how dismissive they are of their stupid-h's "immature" needs. then they post about his "sudden" affair, or outright abandonment. everyone is always all "awww, there, there, sweety. its not your fault...". I just can't help but laugh. sorry. I shouldn't imply that its just women, though. this syndrome doesn't seem to know any gender, as yet another new person posted their story here today, w/ the LDH. you could easily change the genders around, and it would fit just as well.
anyway...
Luckily, it didn't quite work out that way for me, but I can say that I told my W many, many times over the years. She just didn't get it. I guess her seeing some of the posts that I've made here over the years is what finally got it to sink in. I don't know...I didn't really "do" anything. So I certainly don't have any suggestions of what anyone can "do" to get it to sink in to the LDS's head. But it seems that they typically only react to something big. hence the term, "bomb".
Cemar- See, you were wrong about what you said on my thread. There are many women on this BB who view you as a penis with a man attached.
Gel & CM- I feel for you guys trying to work in exercise around little kids. I remember my kids as toddlers throwing themselves at the wheel of my exercise bike like they would rather die as roadkill than do without my attention for 1/2 hour. I am recommending the Denise Austin BootCamp dvd to every woman I know. I did Curves for 3 years prior to using this DVD and the difference is huge. I am definitely someone who could stand to lose 14.5 lbs. but I wear a size smaller than usual at my current weight after doing this DVD for 4 monthes. My S18 actually asked me if I was sucking my stomach in when I wasn't. -lol
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Cemar Your choice to do nothing to improve your situation leads me to think you get some kind of strange pleasure out of being a martyr.
Its like a sad pity party like no one else on these boards. You ask for the truth cadesmom and others tell you the truth. You don't like it cos you think its ALL HER FAULT and know what it is every bit as much YOUR fault!!!!!!!
If you have actually sat down with your W and LOVINGLY explained how sad you are that she doesn't seem to want to ML with you and she has ignored you then fair enough I could see why that would P**** you off. But if you've said nothing then we've explained why she may have little or no desire.
Your wanting her to want you is fair but you have to do lots of work to get that point across. I think you are too lazy to do the work you prefer your pity party.
Cadesmom I could have written your post word for word saved me time. Really hope things work out for you (((hugs))))
By the way Cemar I became very HD having been much like cadesmom when my kids were small when I thought of bed I thought SLEEP I was so tired. My H if anything was the one turning me down as he had hang ups when the boys were teenagers in case they heard us. Actually I think he became quite LD and he now has ED problems.
So now I'm having to deal with his ED problems and an EA just ended. So should I go off and look for someone else to fulfill MY needs? Not a chance I'll WORK at my marriage unlike you!!!!
Well, in my defense, I don't feel as if H ever even tried to explain to me how the lack of S in our M was affecting him emotionally or the rejection issue. As I've said, I don't plan to go back to the way it was now that I have started getting A+'s on my lessons. Those comments kind of pissed me off, but like I said maybe this subject is very close to home and therefore I'm a bit more sensitive about it. If a guy won't sit down and talk to his wife about how he's feeling, then goes out and has numerous A's and says "I shouldn't have to tell my lifelong partner this stuff, she should just know" and then says he wants a divorce after having 3 beautiful little boys w/ this woman and she STILL wants to know how to make things better and does it and plans to keep doing it so that those things never happen again, I guess I don't appreciate the mention of my name along w/ the other comments made.
As for Cemar, you can defend him, but obviously he just likes to start crap around here. If he was truly dedicated to making his M better, if he really is even married, he would have taken some of the advice given to him long ago and may all ready have been in a better place in his M by now.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
cac4 I will say that you can tell the LD person again and again, until you're blue in the face, how awful it is; they'll generally not hear you...until they do...which often only happens by way of the "bomb", like with cadesmom, and so many others. Hat on, suitcase in hand, on their way out the door. "see ya". "oh. NOW I get it..." too late. So true Cac4.
This other forum I used to frequent...mostly women, actually, who are overly-focused on mommy-dom, etc, etc...I'd see these stories all the time. they're actually quite proud of how dismissive they are of their stupid-h's "immature" needs. then they post about his "sudden" affair, or outright abandonment. everyone is always all "awww, there, there, sweety. its not your fault...". I just can't help but laugh. sorry “of their stupid-h's "immature" needs” LOL, that is too much.
cac4 was the other forum MLC? Where ever it is, I would like to read some of the posts from there. Post the web add if you don’t mind.
I post on a forum where several of the H walked away. According to some W, everything was fine, but the OW took her man. I tell them, no she didn't The LBS, and there are LBH's too, ask me for information about how men think. Why a H would just leave.
I got flamed for 6 months over some answers. For a while I quit posting. I say other WAH post. They got flamed severely, till one day some LBW's said "yup they withheld some things because they were not interested, thought it wasn't important, were in mommy mode and H could take care of himself.
I found if a person stuck around long enough, the LBW's started to ask questions about what they could do differently. They dropped some of their defensive stuff. They were defensive because they were really hurting inside. I saw, a person has to get past the hurt and anger before the good work starts.
Now, instead of getting flamed, men are selfish pigs and think with their little head, some LBS's me what their WAH might have been feeling when he left.
Maybe with practice I can get BB to see my point better. I can be good guy, uncle Lou to someone else. I should be able to make the jump at home.
Yes/no?
Cadesmom34 Well, in my defense, I don't feel as if H ever even tried to explain to me how the lack of S in our M was affecting him emotionally or the rejection issue. As I've said, I don't plan to go back to the way it was now that I have started getting A+'s on my lessons. CDM34 I am not saying you fit the description I posted above. I am explaining how it is in some circles. I give you high marks for seeing the light and doing what you have done to keep your M together. ^5.
I think it all goes back to the bottom line being communication. If we had actually truly communicated how we were feeling, his feelings about the lack of sex and of course other things and my feelings of thinking I had to be a "mommy" and was very angry/resentful of this because that wasn't who I really was, etc., a lot of our cr*p could have been eliminated.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I really wasn't trying to defend Cemar. He needs no defense. His arguments are circular and flawless.
I think your H is an *ss for cheating on you but that is something apart from the sex drive dilemma. Here is my minor problem with your "I didn't know how rejected he felt" defense. Let's suppose that he didn't actually feel rejected. Let's suppose he just plain wanted to get laid within the confines of his (theoretically) monogamous relationship with you. In a sense, you are arguing that his desire to have sex only becomes more important than your desire not to have sex if he has hurt feelings associated with sexual rejection. It is %100 true that HD spouses do have hurt feelings of rejection BUT why is the revelation of these feelings necessary as a motivation for sexual behavior from their spouse? I personally believe that in most cases revealing these feelings of rejection may help the relationship become closer but will do little to increase desire. If Cemar wants increased "desire" from his W as opposed to just increased sexual activity, he will only achieve that goal by dropping a "bomb". However, I do also believe that "desire" is a squishy kind of thing to want from somebody. It supposes some sort of absence of something to be desired, but it's not like you can just walk further and further away from somebody crying out "Do you desire me now?" and achieve that result. Unfortunately, it is often the absence of attention that creates the void in which desire can form. When the HD spouse no longer cares and feelings of rejection no longer exist, the LD spouse discovers desire.
What I'm trying to say is that to the extent that the HD spouse does feel rejection, the HD spouse will unconsciously project a desire to maintain the relationship and the LD spouse will feel secure in the relationship and therefore "desire" nothing further to promote that feeling of security.
Last edited by MJontheMend; 06/11/0709:39 PM.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
) I will say that you can tell the LD person again and again, until you're blue in the face, how awful it is; they'll generally not hear you...until they do...which often only happens by way of the "bomb", like with cadesmom, and so many others. Hat on, suitcase in hand, on their way out the door. "see ya".