The bottom line w/ both you and AC are that you either (1) need to tell your wives in exact terms how them not wanting or needing to have sex with you affects you emotionally & mentally OR (2) live w/ it b/c it most likely won't change -- she will have no reason to change if she doesn't know she needs to make changes.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Cadesmom34 I never realized how it was affecting my husband EMOTIONALLY!!! You cannot ASSume that they know or have any clue about it. You need to sit them down and be totally serious about it -- how horrible it is for you emotionally, how the rejection FEELS.
Cadesmom34 I am not expecting what Cemar expects from his W.
I wish what you suggest would work. I told my W several times what I miss and how I feel. She has her own reasons for not being into sex and only doing it on occasion.
To let her know how lonely/detached I felt, I said if I had a serious medical condition I wouldn't want her to visit me if I had to be in the hospital.
My W/BB talks a lot about what if some one had a stroke or something similar. She is sort of like you, she does something about our when I show signs of giving up.
As long as I am doing something, even if it is talking about what I want, she sticks to her POV.
What works for me is: 1. I can withdraw for long periods then BB gets friendly. 2. I can be the enforcer and get physical co-operation but mental resistance. 3. I can ignore the complaints and her version of our R and keep doing most of the things I want to do, but I want a partner, not an employee.
Help her to understand that it's not just that you aren't having sexual release; it's way more than that. BTDT. BB's answer is she doesn't have sexual feelings and she feels like I am using her.
Even though I explained the concept of sex by itself isn't what I want, BB has a difficult time accepting I want the emotional connection. She thinks the emotional connection can be achieved w/o having sex.
Well, maybe it is possible. Maybe a lion can like becoming a vegetarian.
BTW, I am glad you "got it." I think some W's and H's won't "get it" till someone moves out of the house.
I brought up that idea and have seen a few short-term changes.
Lou, don't know you, but do have some affection for you & BB all the same.
I wish she would be willing to make some changes and put some effort into your SL.
Unfortunately, if she's NOT willing to make any changes whatsoever, just like Cemar & AC, then there are decisions to make and I know you have chosen to stay and pray like mad
I still would have to wonder if she really "gets it." It broke my heart to hear my H say he actually felt rejected by me not wanting or not having sex w/ him. I never realized that's how he felt or that's how it made him feel.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
So how do you explain that to a ND person and do it in way that is not overwhelming, that is achievable, that is not NEEDY, that is not asking them to completely change who they are? In reality, what I would be asking (from her perspective) is OVERWHELMING, is NEEDY, is probably NOT achievable, and IS askig her to completely change.
So how do you explain that to a ND person and do it in way that is not overwhelming, that is achievable, that is not NEEDY, that is not asking them to completely change who they are? In reality, what I would be asking (from her perspective) is OVERWHELMING, is NEEDY, is probably NOT achievable, and IS askig her to completely change.
In reality, I would be asking her to be HD.
CeMar I didn't ask you what you want...I've asked you repeatedly what you've said.
You keep giving yourself excuses not to talk to your own wife. If you are concerned with "overwhelming an ND person" you are protecting her from her own reactions/feelings....don't do that. Tell her YOUR feelings, let her deal with her own...those are her responsibility not yours. YOUR responsibility is to tell her flat out how YOU feel...and I mean bare your feelings to her. TALK TO YOUR WIFE.
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So how do you explain that to a ND person and do it in way that is not overwhelming, that is achievable, that is not NEEDY, that is not asking them to completely change who they are?
Well, you start by opening YOUR mouth and saying "We need to talk, I have some things I need to say...I need you to listen to me." If for some reason you won't do that...you've got to stop blaming her for the problems....because IF you won't do that, you are as much a part of the problem as she is...there's no way getting around that. It is not your job to protect your W from her reactions to what you have to say...it is not your job to act as the buffer during difficult discussions either. Say what is on your mind, tell her how you FEEL.
You still aren't listening -- READ THIS: You DO NOT sit her down and tell her you want her to become HD. You DO sit her down and explain to her how her lack of desire for you and/or sex makes you feel rejected, how it makes you feel emotionally.
I would not categorize myself as ND or LD, probably not HD either, but what happens in some of us is that we get so carried away w/ all of the other things in life that we have to do, be it work, taking care of the kids, doing laundry, doing dishes, making dinner, giving the kids baths, that by the time the kids are in bed, we want to GO TO SLEEP. Sex is not high up on our list of priorities, but that doesn't necessarily make me any sort of ND or LD or whatever -- it's where we are in life and all of the obligations, expectations, etc. that we have tend to overwhelm.
Ok, enough of that, AGAIN READ THIS: You tell your W how her lack of desire for you and/or sex affects you emotionally and make sure you tell her about feeling rejected. PERIOD DOT.
It has nothing to do w/ you telling her that you want her to be HD, it's explaining how her not desiring sex MAKES YOU FEEL. NOT HOW YOU WANT HER TO ACT. She will need to decide what changes,if any, she will want to make once you have given her that information.
However, you seem quite argumentative to me so maybe she won't have any desire to make any changes, I don't know. Don't ask again what's going to happen when you tell your wife to be HD, because we don't know the answer to that question. that's not what we've suggested you do, however, if you want to find out the answer to that question, go ahead and ask her to become HD and see what she says or what happens.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Oh come on CeMar...address what's being said to you. Don't avoid it by taking it in another direction....and asking yet another generalized question. We ALL know what you are getting at and it's an avoidance tactic that you use to keep from answering questions and addressing what's been said to you. You are remaining in your tunnel vision state...focused on the end goal, and never looking at the process it takes to get to that end goal.
Your question to Cadesmom has NOTHING to do with talking to your W about your feelings...which is what she's talking to you about.
Do you want to improve your marriage or don't you?
