When's it my turn?

[Rob1231]

Hi SD,

Thanks for everything you posted. I understand how you feel - to vent with you a little: Our spouses worked themselves into their horrid MLCs and they bombed us and they said they didn't want the old relationship anymore. We agreed, we didn't want it either - and then we worked our A$$ES off to improve ourselves and grow, with the expectation that the R will get better. We end up New and Improved, DBified, amazing - and then we see our spouses relax because the crisis is over in their minds, and even start slipping back into their old behaviors. ARRGH. OK, rant finished.

Here's my suggestion for you dealing with H. He's said he wants to do better. He's asked you what you want from him. He's promised to try - and then he's backslid repeatedly.

OK, so you've dropped the "little bomb" on him in MC. At this point, it seems like fair game to "keep him honest." Is there any way that you can gently, humorously even, remind him on a regular, possibly daily basis, of what you are wanting? Try to keep it friendly and upbeat. Maybe little comments like "Gee, I sure could stand to hear some nice Words of Affirmation (or whatever fits) today." Or post-it notes on his bathroom mirror, "Have you hugged your beautiful wife today?" Shoot for baby steps at first, and help him keep working on this for you on the front burner.

Also, you originally posted this over on my thread, bringing that discussion over here...

Hey Rob---

I'm wondering if you have any tips on dealing with the OP. Have you dealt with the OM? Does it still bother you? I'm wondering b/c that's a huge problem for ME. I can't figure out how to let it go...to H's credit, he's been wonderful. He's completely open about everything, and I have no reason to suspect anything. However, on days like today, when he's working on a project for work (where that stupid ho snatch no good LW works as well) and I see a picture of her for a presentation he's working on (her department), it just brings it all back to me.

I know it's my problem, but I don't know what to do. I'd like to be able to not let her bother me, but she does.

Advice from Rob the Amazing?

SD

As I said on my thread, I've been fortunate that I have not had to see or deal with OM at all. My take on this is that you still view LW as a threat. And that's not really about what H is doing (you say he's on the straight and narrow) or what she is doing. It's about how you feel - vulnerable and not in control. Did I get that right?

Because, the sad truth is - there are always temptations and opportunities to stray out there, if our spouses chose to do so. LW could move to Alaska and that wouldn't make your M "safe", would it? So, it's really about building up your own self-confidence and security more than anything she does or doesn't do. Work on that, and the more you believe in yourself, the less worried you will be about her.

Make any sense?