All that sounds about right to me. I've spent some of today getting our bikes sorted for the weekend, and shhh... don't tell her, but I'm gonna book us on a ballroom dancing course, too. She's wanted to do that for a little while now...
I can understand the whole body image issue, it greatly impacts my wife. What I have a problem with is why women lose their sex drive due to this issue, and yet expect their husbands to remain faithful and to be happy to be married to them. Deep down, you have to know that this will KILL your marriage, and yet, for the most part, they do nothing.
I can so relate to that. I need to work out more often than I do in order to lose the remainder of the weight I'm trying to lose...but with a full-time job, and a 4yr old son and husband at home to look after in the evenings it gets difficult/tiresome. I too have an H who will look after my son while I workout, and I try to do it before I ever go home...but my H also works shifts, so every 4-weeks he's on days, every 4-weeks nights...so I have to pick up my son by a certain time...which means I barely get a workout in (if I don't have other errands I need to run). Then of course there's dinner I have to take care of, because I don't want my son eating very late...and his bedtime is 8pm, his bath, our nightly routine for him, at least one horse each evening to work with, laundry, housework, etc, etc, etc. Yeah, I can BARELY get everything done in a day (often I don't get it all done)...but sometimes, I get so tired of feeling like I'm ALWAYS running....so the workout goes by the wayside....then of course I feel guilty because I didn't get THAT done.
I think all that we do (your list above) should be enough for us to stay slim & trim!!! Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Then also, here in TX, during the spring/summer months it gets so dang hot that you can't just go for a walk or a run.
I honestly think that men & women just see things so very differently and it's hard for the other to even *get* where the other is coming from.
We women allow ourselves to stress over the children, laundry, house, etc. in totally different ways than men do. We want to be perfect and that's not possible & it pisses us off.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, like I said, he needs to make sure she's getting the REJECTION thing.
With some women, sex is not important. It may not be just the body image thing. That just adds fuel. They can live without it. But keep in mind, if something is not necessarily important to one person, they may not necessarily know that it could kill their marriage unless the other person communicates that to them. Depending on how people are brought up, sex may not be what they think is an integral part of keeping an M together, it's the other stuff -- being the wife by keeping the house clean, the kids are ok, etc. If they weren't brought up to think or know that sex is a big part of intimacy, etc., etc. and not just an act that we do to feel good or whatever, that person isn't going to just KNOW that it's going to kill the M.
Then after awhile if the other person quits nagging or just "accepts" it, like AC's wife and maybe like me, you just go on your merry way. No one is saying anything about it, you can live without it so that's that. YOU HAVE GOT TO COMMUNICATE HOW VERY SERIOUS THIS ISSUE IS.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Ok, AC, all your plans sound great, but you had better listen up to me that at some point you are going to have to do the deed and talk to her about your SL or accept what you don't have & move on.
Doing the bikes & the ballroom dancing, etc. is great & wonderful, but it's not going to do anything for you in the bedroom. She is not going to necessarily all of a sudden discover an interest in sex with you just because you are doing all these nice things for her. Like I said to Cemar, she is ok w/ not having sex, you guys have gone a long time not having sex and she's fine w/ that. She has no reason to change that!!!!! I know that you want to keep things happy, happy, but your sex life IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE unless you have the nasty discussion with her that YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR MARRIAGE LIKE THIS ANY LONGER. Or, if that's not the case, you choose to live like you have been. Obviously, you aren't happy w/ that, but don't expect anything to change until you bite the bullet and get down & dirty w/ her on the lack of sex in your M.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
How exactly do you ask someone to sexually fulfill us? Lack of sex is not the problem, it is the RESULT of the problem. So addressing the sex does not fix the problme in any way. So what should us guys "ask"?
You don't ASK anything !!! You sit her down and let her know exactly how the lack of sex AFFECTS YOU. The rejection, the lack of intimacy, etc. I did not understand the whole REJECTION thing. Your wives probably do not understand, no let me rephrase that, they don't know that that is how it affects you. They don't know that by them not wanting to have sex that you feel rejected by them. I had no clue. Honestly. No clue. To me, like I said, it wasn't something I thought about. I was always tired, etc. and could live w/o it. I honestly didn't want to put the time in to having sex because by the end of the day, I just wanted to go to sleep. I never realized how it was affecting my husband EMOTIONALLY!!! You cannot ASSume that they know or have any clue about it. You need to sit them down and be totally serious about it -- how horrible it is for you emotionally, how the rejection FEELS. Help her to understand that it's not just that you aren't having sexual release, it's way more than that.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
OK, lets say that we sit down and tell our wives what we want, we want them to be HD. (Effectively that is the end goal). So you are a LD woman. Now what? How are you going to achieve this?
You aren't listening. I did not say, sit her down and tell her you want her to be HD. I said you need to sit her down and let her know how her not wanting to have sex makes you feel and how seriously it affects you.
Now, I can't reassure you that your W will react the way I did and I'm also not saying you need to say if things don't change I want a divorce, but when my H said he wanted a divorce and finally got around to telling me about how he felt rejected when I didn't want to have sex, I made some very positive changes. In fact I was initiating almost every night or every other night. For me, I just had to decide to put some effort into my M and that included having sex w/ my H. Once you start having sex reguarly, you are most likely going to want to keep having sex regularly. That's how it is for me anyway. When you realize what you're missing (and it can be anything, not just sex), you make more of an effort to keep doing whatever it was you were missing out on.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
