Confused after D

[i'llsurvive]

Hello all, I am a former poster who is back again looking for some insight and perspective. It's been awhile so I will try to find my old posts and link them on this thread (but if you want to look them up my name was sadmatt then it changed to happymatt)

RECAP:
Me: 29
XW: 28
One Daugher 5
Married: 2001
Bomb: March 2005
Divorce Final: December 2005

Where to start? Quick recap: Wife and I married for 3.5 years, she drops the bomb on me and things don't work out between us. I DB my butt off the entire year before the divorce is final but it didn't work out. Ends up she was with OM and they ended up marrying/ moving in together 2 months after D finalized. He was abusive and she divorced him six months later.

I myself have been through hell, loosing my family, suffering from depression and loosing my job in the process, loosing my house not having that second income, most of my friends deserting me. Yet through it all I tried to continue to "DB" so I could be a better person through this. I filed for and was granted an annulment during this time as well.

After loosing my house, I moved in with my best friend to save money - he just happens to be the XW's twin's husband. So I get to see her more now.

I ended up feeling as if I had gotten to the point where i was over XW and would be fine no matter what. I ended up dating a wonderful young woman I met through work for six months, but ended that earlier this year becuase I just didn't have anything to give her.

My XW had been interested in someone she works with but I guess he had commitment issues. I have been in contact with her for our daughter, and she calls me as a friend for things (like calling me about the abuse etc). I have been nice to her but do not go out of my way to interact with her or call her unless it involves our D. We havn't fought about anything i can remember even.

For the last month or so, my XW has been acting real nice to me all the time, a definite difference in her interaction with me as compared to before. There is a definite change in her tone of voice when talking with me (seems much happier or or upbeat). She has stopped calling me by name and now is using my nickname from college or daddy. She has even stepped up the physical contact when she comes around or I drop off D. She now will touch my arm alot when talking to me, etc.

For memorial day she invited me over to her house for the family bbq. Afterwards she texted that she had fun hanging out and I was always family. This weekend I helped har other sister move into her new house, and she was still the same way, cheery, more touchy, even asking if we could get certain toppings on the pizza (like it depended on my opinion).

I am wondering if she is changing somewhat or if she is just being nice for a reason. I ask this because she had an interview in another state and talked about moving there. But still with this she came back and told me how beautiful it was and how much I would love it. Then she made comments how I could move out there with her and finish school.

I have found that I still love her with all my heart and I don't think that will ever change, and not just because of these changes. Yet I don't want to make something out of nothing and break my heart again. On the other hand I don't want to act indiferent if there are real changes and possibilities.

How do I move on now and act? Or do I wait and do nothing hoping she initiates (if so what if she thinks I moved on?)

This weekend I know there is an event with a ship that she would love. But I don't know about asking her if she is interested in going, or if something like that would scare her away (if thats the case).

I don't know what I'm looking for here really, i'm just getting scared more than anything with these changes. Thanks to anyone who responds!

[Just_Me]

She's doing all the work right now and I think you should continue to let it go that way. She may be interested, but it doesn't sound like she's quite ready to take any kind of big step your way that would really let you know that. Touching your arm and vague references aren't enough, but I think it sounds positive so far. Don't ask her out yet, but if you get the opportunity to see her, make sure that you are interested in her life. You might also drop your own vague hint that you are interested if you want.

Me

[Jeff223]

Good input from Just_Me. Also check out Confused_in_AZ and Jet in this forum - they are going through similar events.

Good luck and protect yourself. Her decision process seems none too good at the moment. She must be emotionally drained and so is her self-esteem.

[i'llsurvive]

Yeah, thanks everyone, your right. I definitly don't want to read into more than it is and get hurt again!!! I think it is a fear of not knowing the middle ground between trying to protect myself and seeming like I'm not interested.

What would you suggest as a vague hint? I don't want to push her or seem desperate either.

I guess as far as this weekend i'll just tell her about the event, not ask her if she wants to go.

[Confused_in_AZ]

Hey buddy....sorry and glad to see you here. Bad about the D, good that things seem to be turning around.

I don't know if I can offer much other than support and what I have tried to do thus far. As Jeff said, I think I am where you are at in this process. You can catch my threads all over the boards. I try to stay with one but bounce a bit.

My XW is, what I and others believe in that feeling out stage. That the D was supposed to solve all of her problems, but when it really comes down to it, it didn't. That the problems lie with her. Now she is starting to wake up to what she has done and maybe thinking about returning to try again. Not sure, but that is what it seems is going on with yours. Feeling you out.

Here is my advice, or at least the game plan that I am going to follow. As I have done for almost the past year now (D was final Aug 06), I have created a life for myself. We don't have any kids so I don't have to see her. For the past year, she has been the one to initiate. Due to my recent developments, I plan on asking her out on a date this weekend. Probably will call tomorrow. My plan is to take it slow. Again, using DB principles, act as if.....go out, have a good time. Act like it is a first or second date. Certainly not bringing up a relationship or anything like that.

I think that would be a good step for you. Not only does it show her your interest, but it also will give you a chance to feel her out too. My fear is getting hurt again too. But part of relationship is putting your heart at risk. You know her well.....if you if things are going well or not....if you are pushing or not.

This board is a great place to get some feedback too! We have a pretty close group here right now that are always willing to give something.

Sorry for going long, but wanted to give you background.

Let us know if there is anything that we can do!

[i'llsurvive]

Thanks AZ,

I can see so many similarities in your sitch (although not as much 1-1 time). I didn't get mean or bitter from the D, I just was nice (though alot of that was for my daughters sake!. Still, I listened and was there when she needed me, and now she tells alot of people that were best friends (although I don't see it quite like that yet).

I'm kind of in the same boat as you too as far as game plan. I never initiated unless it was about our Daughter. I also focused on GAL. My change in personality, physique and availibility was really noticed by her I think.

I think I will ask if she wants to go check out this event on the weekend and see what she says. I am afraid of getting hurt, but also of looking desperate to her, and I guess a little bit scared of scaring her off if there is even a glimmer of hope. But I would rather know than always be wondering and torturing myself that way.

One other thing about her recently. She was in 2 car accidents around 8 and 5 months before she dropped the bomb on me. Over the last month or two she has been saying that those caused her to have a real personality change and thats why she picked her 2nd husband who was completely opposite of me. She never says sorry, or that she wishes she hadn't, but at the same time, I wonder why she brings that up unless she is testing the water to some extent.

Thanks again to everyone, and I hope I can become a part of this close knit family once again!!

[ShesGreat]

Hey Survive,

I hate to see you go through something like this as I will soon be D'ed. But she left you because she was looking for greener grass. She though she found that and married him only to find out that the grass was/is not greener!

Not to be mean or anything, but why does the WAS always think the door will always be open, when they have crapped all over the LBS? And the WAS did it once and what make us so sure that they won't do it again? I know that you should forgive, you can and not go through that again. They can run around and do what and who ever they want and the LBS is suppose to be waiting with open arms.

Look at your case, she even married someone else! Marriage is sacred and not something that you just jump into, but that's our instant gratification society, be happy and do what you want. But only a few people do the right thing and the right thing is to honor the commitment and the vows that you made! (I know that there are some circumstances that prevent that and D is warranted) But the reasons and the things that people get D’ed over these days are purely selfish and totally self-serving. Guys we all heard the excuses when our WAS left.

My STBXW to this day is still blaming me for everything that went wrong in the M. I believed her at first, after beating myself up for 4 months, I found a journal of hers. I never knew the internal struggles and issues that she was dealing with until I read that! Wow, she really has some issues of her own and now I know that it’s not me and not my fault, she never shared them with her H.

I have several friends who went through the same as you and neither of their XW’s has apologized for what they have done. They think that thy can come back and all is well or pick up where they left off, to me that’s insanity. leaving a wake of destruction and expect every thing to be just fine. Why be accountable for our actions, were just a higher form of Monkeys, we’re just mammals and lets do like they do on the Discovery Channel.


Sorry for the long read but, I just want you to be careful in dealing with the XW, I don’t want you to go through that hell again, tearing you family apart looking for the bigger better deal that didn’t happen.

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

This is the way of an adulterous woman: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, “I’ve done nothing wrong” (Proverbs 30:20)

[glamgirl]

Hey Survive,

I really don't have much advice for you, since I am still in the separated stage with NO talk of divorce yet. Sometimes I feel like pulling that card because H just walked away, but then I want to try to make this M work.

It sounds like your XW is realizing the grass was not greener on the otherside. Maybe she is just waking up from all the destruction she has caused. Stop waiting for the apology. I believe if our WAS's have to say they are sorry it just makes them realize how at fault they are and causes them to really look inside as to who they really are. Do we really think they can do this? This is my perspective. I don't think my H will ever apologize for all the wrong. It's kinda like just shove it under a rug and move on. I don't agree with their perspective, but have come to terms with him probably never coming forward and admitting wrong.

In your situation, I probably would just invite her to the event. If she turns you down can you handle the rejection? If you can't don't put yourself out there. Keep it on the friends for now basis and see what happens.

[i'llsurvive]

thanks glam and Shes,

My heart goes out to both of you while you are still in the middle of your sitchs! Stay strong and be true to yourself. DB, GAL and take care of yourself. That truly helped me make it through the hell I had to endure (that and the great people you meet here ) Just remember that you can't control or change them (no matter how hard you want to or try).

I guess I have been thinking the last day or so and I don't know if I will ask her or not. I think I will just let her know about the event if she is interested she can ask me. It's not because I'm afraid of the rejection, more that I think I got way too excited about some little things that I was hopeful about. I don't need to put myself through that hell again, I just need to stick to my DB and GAL course I have been living and put the rest in God's hands. He helped me through the trials I faced the first time, and only he knows what he has in store for me. If it is in his plans and she is truly having a change of heart she will come back, if not, her loss.

But thats the hard part, I still love her and always will, although it will never be the same after what she did. Even after she did the worst things she could ever possible do to hurt me. I think the WAS will almost never say they are sorry, but who knows. More than likely it would be excuse after excuse of why they left, why we were to blame etc. But then again, I can't imagine being in their shoes and what they must be going through or thinking.

Yes I agree, with you both, they expect our door to be open forever, yet they still send those flaming bags of crap our way constantly.

[RMG77739]

But thats the hard part, I still love her and always will, although it will never be the same after what she did. Even after she did the worst things she could ever possible do to hurt me. I think the WAS will almost never say they are sorry, but who knows. More than likely it would be excuse after excuse of why they left, why we were to blame etc. But then again, I can't imagine being in their shoes and what they must be going through or thinking.

Yes I agree, with you both, they expect our door to be open forever, yet they still send those flaming bags of crap our way constantly.

i'llsurvive,

That is a REALLY tough one. How do you handle that love for her? Do you put your nuts on the line again to perhaps have them chopped off? I honestly believe God can and does change people. However, you take the same risk in any relationship – any woman can always leave. Just because she is not your exW does not mean she cannot. The tough part is if you do NOT give it another chance, you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Now, for the crazy part; in my sitch, I firmly believe God is working on my exW. He has told me to continue working on myself – getting in even better shape, getting closer to Him, finishing my second BS and CPA. He has shown me over and over again I will have the opportunity to be with her in the future. What will I do if this comes to pass? If it happens, it happens. I will cross that bridge if/when I come to it. Anyway, in the meantime, I am moving on with my life.

RMG