Well done. You were leading and unflappable and that built up enough trust inside her to allow her to reveal her private thoughts. Again, well done.
My W has the same problem, twins and then a huge third son (I'm 6'9" afterall) has left her abdomen quite a mess (hernia down the middle, super wrinkly). It doesn't bother me, but she is very self-conscious about it.
The ladies are obviously a better source for "what next" than me. Maybe ask her what she needs to help her feel better about her body? Don't suggest anything outright, unless she sincerely asks (it could easily be twisted into an attack). And then if it is something within your power, do it ASAP. Like if she needs some exercise equipment, a club membership, wants to change the diet, even surgery. My W's abdomen will never look "normal" again unless she has surgery. I would never insist on that, but if she wanted it, I would find a way to budget it.
JMHO
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Well, I don't really know what YOU can DO, if anything, but be supportive of her, but that probably doesn't matter anyway. Not to be negative here, just letting you know the truth of it. We women just don't get that our H's still find us attractive for the most part no matter what. I've had 3 children also. Wasn't fat, but maybe a little flabby and, yes, it does affect us tremendously on how we feel about ourselves which flows over into our SL. I ended up losing a bunch of weight during the D bomb sitch and now feel really good about myself, etc. I know it may sound stupid to the guys, because like I said in most cases, you guys love your W no matter how they look, but our minds can't get that.
Anyway, like I said, I don't know what you can do to help her. She needs to decide to do something about it if it bothers her that much.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I thought about it a bit more after I posted and really feel I should stress to you that you stil have to TELL her how her rejection makes YOU FEEL. The fact that she FEELS unattractive doesn't really change your feelings when you are rejected constantly.
Have you ever made comments that to you may have seemed like teasing to you but hurtful to her?
My H after our 1st 2 kids were born used to make the remark to friends that I was twice the woman he'd married. He thought it was funny or teasing because I did go up 2 sizes like I said before but I was really thin and not obese in any way. Never been more than a size 12/14 or U.S. 8/10. One time he did it and I laughed and said yep and when I married you you had jet black hair now its mostly grey. I said it teasingly the way he did and he NEVER made that comment again!!!!
Sometimes a remark made in so called fun is really hurtful. As regards her body issues maybe she's got stretched down below to the point where she hates how she looks.
Being reassuring about how she looks is great but you've been doing that and nothing has improved so far. Thats why its so important you TELL her how the rejection makes you feel.
Keep pushing for answers like you just did. The fact you're being playful is brilliant but don't stop until you get results.
Lots of luck hope you get luckier soon LOL shmagic
I agree. The REJECTION issue is VERY IMPORTANT!!! I cannot stress enough that she probably DOES NOT GET THIS at all!!! When you are not on the "receiving end" of the rejection, you don't get it. You just don't want to have sex, period. You don't understand the emotions, etc. that the other person is feeling.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
For some reason women are more fixated on their own bodies sexually than men. Recent studies have shown that women with very high sex drives will usually demonstrate some tendencies towards bisexuality for this reason. When women walk into a room they generally check out the appearance of the other women first before looking at the men. Heterosexual men generally check out the women before the men too.
So, IMO, there are three ways around poor body image causing low sex drive in a woman. She either need to learn to love her body imperfect as it may be or she needs to learn to love your body by increasing her sexual object-orientation towards the male body or she needs to concentrate on sexual context or vibe rather than any visual arousal signals.
So, it's pretty obvious that in terms of getting her to love her own body you are limited to offering validation and encouraging her to take action that might help, like increasing physical activity or getting in touch with her body in a tactile way through massage. However, you can try to create a sexual vibe that will take the focus off her body as object and put it either on your body or your masculinity. For instance, to take it to a ridiculous extreme, you could make her a bowl of popcorn and while she sits in a chair fully dressed you could perform a Chippendale's routine for her. Any sort of assertive throwdown will also be helpful in distracting her from body image problems because she won't have time to think about them.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Have you ever made comments that to you may have seemed like teasing to you but hurtful to her?
Not at all. At least not that I can remember.
I wouldn't because I'm reasonably sensitive about stuff like that myself. I broke my arm and wrist a few years ago - a pretty bad break according to the docs, and apparently I was lucky to get full use of my wrist/hand back - which meant I couldn't go for a surf, I couldn't ride my bike, I couldn't play footie, etc, etc, for nearly a year.
Man, did I ever put on weight.
I pretty much lost it all again when I was able to get back out and get active all over again, but I can identify with the self-consciousness. Maybe not as much as a woman can, but hey ho.
Now, my wife was tall and super-slim when we met, and yes, she's not *exactly* how she was, but she's still slim, she's still tall at 5'10", and she's still gorgeous.
Only now she has a little more curve about her, which I find sexier than ever. Hmm...now how can I put *that* into words she'll respond positively to?
Yeah, I do realise I still need to tell her about the rejection issues, but I need a different way of doing it than that last letter!!
Maybe, maybe not. Regardless of what the bottom line issues are w/ her and no matter how great & wonderful your M is besides your SL, if this is bothering you as much as you say, YOU HAVE GOT TO TELL HER / GET IT ACROSS TO HER AND MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS HOW VERY SERIOUS THE CONSEQUENCES MAY BE IF IT DOESN'T CHANGE.
You need to decide whether you will stay or not if things don't change. If your answer is no, then you need to make sure she knows the seriousness of it.
Make sure you don't now just start focusing on helping her to change things and *hope* that things will change. I'm telling you very seriously that she needs to know how you are feeling, how it is affecting you and how very serious it is. I would bet a lot of money she has no clue!!!! I know she would not be hurting you w/ the rejection, etc. on purpose, but if you don't get it across to her, things WILL NOT change whether she loses tons of weight or not. She is comfortable NOT HAVING SEX AT ALL. She needs more than losing weight to make her want to change things.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Sorry, but I guess this is a very sensitive topic for me. H drops the D bomb and I seriously had NO CLUE about this stuff -- the rejection, etc. and it makes me kind of angry that he thought I should have known or that he clearly communicated it to me, which I don't feel he did.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I am curious about this subject. My wife has put on a ton of weight and does not like me to touch her tummy, as she has real problems with it. What I am curious about is you ladies get the body image issue, and apparently this makes you want to avoid being naked or being sexual. What do you expect from your husbands at this point?
No clue as to what we expect. I think my H could tell me until he was blue in the face that he still loved my body, but if I don't love it, that doesn't really matter although it SHOULD be all that matters. And why don't we just do something about it if we're so unhappy w/ our bodies? No clue. I'm not someone who HAD to work out when I was younger. Don't necessarily like to exercise and it's truly very hard (even if H says I'll watch the kids, you go) to actually get out there & do it. I've had to finally just force myself to do videos at home and sometimes even w/ the kids involved. It would be nice to go to the gym and actually have that time away, but it's really hard -- working full-time, get home, get everybody situated and do I want to go back out? Heck no!! Anyway, that's neither here nor there, but I guess that explains maybe WHY we don't actually do something about it if we are so unhappy w/ the way we look. That's my honest answer
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
