Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[ourcrisis]

love it, theoden. you are a great guy.

[Heartbroken]

OC,

H knows how much I love him - he just cannot love me anymore! I fear he messed himself up so good having an A he cannot recover from it - or that's what he believes. H is not willing to really try and reconnect...

Thanks Theo (eloquent as always),
H came to take the kids for ice cream - (yes, I called and asked him to since they were both having melt downs - crying and crabby and just out of sorts).

After they got back H said we need to talk - "what are we doing?" I said I thought we were doing a trial separation and we would re-eval at the end of his lease. He just feels he is not going to change his mind if that is what I am waiting for.

H said he's done trying (as if he really ever did - how can you try when you are with or still hung up on OW) and I said I am not done trying and that is why we are not on the same page. H has been thinking D since last August and he is tired of everyone (his best friend, his Mom, me, our neighbors) telling him he should keep trying. Funny - no one has told him well he tried his hardest and now he should just move on - no one has told him this....

He wants to help me find a house and start down the D path - we will probably use a mediator and just have lawyers review the final agreement. Guess I am slowly accepting this.

Theo - I know I am a great lady. I have tried my hardest and fought a good fight. Maybe God has better plans for me and the new direction my life is taking. I need to keep the faith and let be what is meant to be...

Still trying to stay in the PM and keep the PMA going. Day by day...it's all I can focus on now. Trying to keep the pain from taking over...

Baby steps - someday I will be happy and at peace once again!

HB

[theoden]

HB,

Ouch.....

God in heaven. Please hear us.

You know the desires of our hearts. They are to build, heal, reconcile and love.

Our desire is to have our children live in homes that not broken, that are filled with the love of both parents.

Our desire is to grow old with our spouses. To have our grandchildren play on our front porches.

Our desire is to forgive.

Our desire is to be loved by the person we promised to love till death separates us.

We do not think these desires are out of accord with your will.

We do not understand exactly how you run your universe. We know you love your children.

Please hear us Good Lord. Have Mercy.

Have mercy on HB.

Have mercy on me.


Ok I'm crying now. At my desk.

--Theoden

[runningoutoftime]

Oh Theo,
You have such a sensitive heart.

Heartbroken,
I think Old Timer is right. You need to LRT. Do you have a good lawyer? Can your husband afford to fully buy you out of the house? If he can't I wouldn't just give it to him. I thought about arranging things so my husband could stay in the house with the kids, but as one of my friend's pointed out. It's a chick magnet. So I figured... naw.

Is the house large enough that you could rent out a room or two? Maybe to some cute guy! I thought about doing this.

In my sitch, my husband's family (except for his mom) told him he had tried his best and it was time to move on. His sister even set him up on dates!

Obviously not agreeing with your husband on this point isn't helping (the cheeseless tunnel), maybe it's time you agree with him. He tried so hard, isn't happy and you want his happiness. This is not giving up. You can always agree, go with the flow, but still be cordial and friendly and still "leave the door open."

Read LRT over and over and over... just do it. Find your own place without your husband's help. If he happens to call say you have some friends helping you find a place so he doesn't need to bother.

Grrrrrr....

[theoden]

HB,

I think you might underestimate the security of your own home in being a stablizing factor.

I think the house should stay with you.

--Theoden

[KMFLA]

HB

I agree the house should stay with you. If you can't afford to keep it then you make the decision to move to a smaller place and find it on your own. Do not give your H any reason to feel good about what he is doing. You do not have to intentionally make him feel bad but by doing things on your own and in your best interest you will only helping yourself and not make it easy on him.

[Heartbroken]

Theo thanks for the prayer - it's exactly how I feel.

ROOT - he is just done and does not want to try and I cannot make him. I will use a lawyer to review our mediation papers - started researching this path - seems less volatile. I have my best friend looking at houses with me. H is not needed there - though he could be a good laborer and put in hardwood floors.

KMFLA - thanks for your input!

To all:

I had no intention of letting him help me find a place. I really do not WANT to stay in this home we built it together. Too many memories, over and acre wooded yard - way to much maintenance. I was looking at condos but with $229 a month in association fees I might as well get a house with some space around it for the kids.

I told him if he has to file he can but I am still not ready. My thoughts are that I want to give him his month alone without the kids or me at ALL (they are off to California for three weeks). If he still feels the same then we can start the process...though I did not clearly state this last part...I did not cry in front of him - just told him I am not done trying (but he says he is...)

I look foward to getting the peace I so desire. I have a great group of friends and they will continue to support me! Last week I had two teachers tell me what wonderful kids I have and that I am such a great mom - must have done something right in these last 16 years of marriage. Now if I can keep the kids on the right path for the next 8 years I will have done my job correctly!

[ourcrisis]

HB, I understand that there are reasons you want to move out. Give yourself sometime to think it over, though. I don't know how you are dividing up child living arrangement. But whoever has the kids more may want to stay in teh same house? On the psychological side, I think having him move out (for real this time) seems more like he is abandoning the family, rather than you leaving the family. That's how I would feel. Of course there are many other factors to consider. Good luck with this process.

Hang in there. Great that you have a good group of friends to support you. Sounds like his mind is set (for now). Which means you will have to go with the flow (but can do SLLLLLLOWWWLLY). You are doing great in not asking him for any help at all. Treat it like he is truly GONE.

[runningoutoftime]

I'm sorry, but you can create "new" memories in the house. Don't decide to leave on sappy sentimentality like that. Can he fully buy you out of the house at market value? Do NOT go with less. If he can't buy you out sell it and split the money. Also, you probably shouldn't buy anything until the divorce is final otherwise he'll have to do a quitclaim on your new place and he might seem really nice now, but things can change hugely during the divorce process. Almost every divorce I've seen gets super ugly over time... even when it starts off amicable. I know mine had some ugliness and eventually I did not trust my H at all!!! Money really changes people.

I understand when they are "done" they are "done." My husband was "done" too. Definitely DON'T hold any hope for your marriage. You do have to let go entirely. But that doesn't mean working on it and trying to save it wouldn't be your first choise. You can still start a new life while leaving the door open a crack. You just have to stop trying to look out that door at him, and convince him to walk in and give it a try. It's open, but he has to WANT to walk through it. It has to be HIS idea. You are not reaching your hand out to pull him in. You are too busy creating a new life for yourself. Focus on that. Definitely live your life like your marriage is over.

[Heartbroken]

Thanks ROOT,

Yes H is willing to give me more than market value - another reason to move. MI is hurting sooooo bad it is a buyer's market big time. If we had to sell we would take a huge hit and less to split. As long as he fully buys me out then I will let him have the house. To sell could take well over a year and at a much lower price...

Had a terrible dream this morning - woke up crying - he again was tossing me to the curb for OW. To tired of this sadness and I need to start moving on with my life... I have found several really good buys to go and look at in the housing dept. We have always been big 'do it yourselfers' guess I will try and tackle more on my own! I am willing to learn! I am not so scared to go it alone - getting stronger each day! If we do buy something now I will do it in my name alone!!

Thanks for your support - you help keep me strong!

HB